


Maybe You Are Fireproof

by velvethood (orphan_account)



Category: 5 Seconds of Summer (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst, Ashton is a bit of a prick, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff, Fluff and Angst, M/M, Pining, Rejection, Soul-Searching, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates, Unrequited Love, and Luke wants to be loved
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-02-10
Updated: 2015-07-13
Packaged: 2018-03-11 12:35:02
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 20
Words: 53,689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3327233
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/velvethood
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>
  <i>Luke has to watch everyone he knows with their soulmates. His parents, his brothers, Michael and Calum, his friends from school. He even sees co-workers at the coffee shop come in one morning and leave the same evening with a soulmate. He’ll throw up if he sees another ink engraved imprint as he hands a customer their coffee cup.</i>
</p><p>Or the one where Luke meets Ashton, who thinks he's illustrious and all Luke wants is his attention.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue: I’ve got a feeling deep inside.

**Author's Note:**

>   
>   
>  Courtsey of [allthosewordsunspoken](http://allthosewordsunspoken.tumblr.com/) ♡
> 
> My (first) chapter fic is finally here!
> 
> First I want to say thank you for all the nice kudos and comments on all my other stuff so far, it's so lovely cause I feel like a newbie <3
> 
> This is incredibly inspired by the album Four (surprise) and my desire to write a soulmate fic since forever. I hope I do both justice :) Also, after the Lashton surfing keek we were blessed with earlier I felt like this needed to be uploaded so enjoy!
> 
> Title from Fireproof by One Direction. 
> 
> Disclaimer: I don't know or own any of the boys in this fic, and it's all a work of my imagination :)
> 
> [rebloggable tumblr post](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/post/128500915235/maybe-you-are-fireproof)

_I’ve got a feeling deep inside  
And it’s taking, it’s taking all I’ve got_

Luke Hemmings is tired of waking up with a cold sweat against burning skin. He’s tired of not being able to sleep afterwards.

He’s tired because the source is one recurring dream, and before he didn’t really care about it. He always thought it was his brain being reminiscent. But now it makes him wake up with prickly hot skin that’s sensitive to touch, and as much as he hates to say it the dream makes him feel like he’s wading through a nightmare. 

Every single time he’s in it he wants to wake up, and it probably makes him heartless, a bad friend, but he can’t take being reminded of his loneliness. He lets his tense body fall back against the sheets and tries to even his breathing, tries but fails not to think about what woke him up in the first place.

_Calum, Michael and Luke are sitting in Michael’s room. The aim was to watch a film but it’s long since been abandoned in favour of Luke playing guitar, and Michael and Calum play fighting again. And what is up with that, because Luke can’t get his head around why the two boys cannot keep their hands to themselves lately. They’ve always been touchy, and Calum is definitely the cuddly type but even Luke’s noticed that something odd is up._

_Michael pulls out of Calum’s soft chokehold, his smile gentle and gets up towards the door. “Do you want a beer Cal?”_

_“Yes please!”_

_“Hey, can what about me?” Luke pouts, because can they leave him out anymore? He’s in the same room._

_“You’re only 15 Luke.”_

_“Cal’s only just turned 16!”_

_“Old enough for a beer then.”_

_“Fuck off.” Luke’s already sick of this age discrimination game they’ve got going and it’s only been two weeks._

_“You can have a bit of mine,” Calum offers as a compromise, and Luke’s still not happy but it’ll do._

_They don’t even drink the beer, Luke whines inwardly, leaving the bottles more than half full as they start a tickling match and what the hell?_

_“Can you guys not touch each other for two seconds?”_

_“I don’t know, can we?” Calum teases and like, they’re not even denying it._

_“Luke’s just jealous.” Michael almost whispers to Calum, who turns to look at the blonde fringed boy._

_“Jealous?” Both Luke and Calum reply, and Michael goes red to the tips of his ears like he didn’t know he said it. Luke is more scandalised while Calum is more questioning, and Luke holds his breath because something in the air has definitely changed._

_“What do you mean jealous?” Calum repeats, and Luke thinks Michael’s head is two seconds from imploding because his blush is furious._

_“I don’t know? I don’t know.”_

_“Yeah, you do.” And Calum’s never been one for beating around the bush, always likes things plain, and Luke knows Michael can't outtalk his way from this one._

_“Like, jealous. That you’re mine? I don’t know, I’ve always seen you as mine Cal.”_

_“I’m yours?” And Calum says it like he’s testing it on his tongue._

_“Yeah, always. No one else’s.” And Luke definitely sees Calum mouth ‘yours’ at Michael before tentatively kissing him, and it’s not the first time he’s seen this. Sometimes when Michael is sad or Calum’s had a bad day a football practice, they kiss, for comfort and familiarity, and Luke’s never allowed himself to think much of it._

_It’s definitely the first time he’s seen their kiss mean something else, and Luke not only feels the tension break but something like his heart. He doesn’t really know why._

__

Luke is tired of his brain taking him back to the moment Michael and Calum and Luke became _MichaelCalum_ and Luke, the moment the two boys realised they were soulmates. Most of the time he dreams of that moment. More rarely he dreams of weeks later when Calum and Michael came over at 8am to show him their imprint, and sometimes it’s the promise rings.

Luke was, is and always will be happy for them; his best friends since infancy are together, and he never has to worry about their happiness. But he still can’t help sometimes wishing he wasn’t there to see it happen because it makes him feel so alone.

Especially since he turned 18, Luke has become very aware of himself and others. He has to watch everyone he knows with their soulmates. His parents, his brothers, Michael and Calum, his friends from school. He even sees co-workers at the coffee shop come in one morning and leave the same evening with a soulmate. He’ll throw up if he sees another ink engraved imprint as he hands a customer their coffee cup.

Luke only wants to belong to someone, and he’s so overwhelmed by it.

The decision is made by Luke that he’s going to get out of Sydney for a bit (what Michael and Calum will definitely call the easy way out). Luke’s going to run away from his problems because it’s all he knows how to do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hmu on [tumblr](http://cashtens.tumblr.com) and also I'm updating my Cashton fic in a few hours so please kudos and subscribe to both, ily <3


	2. One: Cause I'm not being me.

_Cause I’m not being me  
And it’s getting me down_

Luke knows that he’s been moping around for weeks. He knows that everyone is sick of his snapping, and honestly he’s sick of it too. It’s not like he enjoys feeling defensive and irritated, especially about the whole soulmate situation. He needs the feeling to stop more than anyone else, and he’s wearing thin. He’s completely done with his current state of _everything_.

Luke also knows that Liz Hemmings, ever the sensitive and aware mother she’s always been, recognizes something’s coming before Luke’s even sat down. She’s sitting on a stool in the kitchen, two cups of breakfast tea made for herself and for Luke, and it’s weird because Luke feels like she knew he was coming.

“Hey mum,” he sits down next to her, takes the tea and sips blissfully because no one makes it like she does.

“Hey baby.”

“Um, wanted to talk about something before I go to work.”

“Okay. What’s up?” And Luke appreciates that his mother is so understanding of him, knows he finds it hard to get his words out sometimes. He tries to get his ideas sorted in his head, and he knows he’s taking a while but his mum sits patiently. It helps calm his mind, and he kind of feels like he’s got a grasp on himself when he speaks.

“I, well, um, want to go away for a bit.”

“Okay. With Calum and Michael?”

“No. Um, no, on my own.” She raises an eyebrow and Luke knows how weird this sounds to any mother, let alone his own who knows him so well, knows he hates being alone.

“I don’t know how I feel about that Luke.”

“Mum, please.” And Luke can feel the desperation that’s been crawling under his skin start to rise to the surface.

“And go where?”

“I don’t know? I need to get out of here mum.” And it only makes his mum sigh more. Luke doesn’t know where here is.

“Well, I understand baby. I understand you’re old enough and at an age where you feel a little bit confused-”

“Don’t belittle me mum.” Luke mumbles, rapidly feeling like he’s getting a lecture.

“I’m not, watch it. I’m only saying I understand. And if you want to go away for a while, that’s okay. But I’m not sending you away on your own. It’s not happening.”

“So what, do I have to go with Mike and Cal?” And Luke really didn’t want to take his friends with him, so they can be all over each other while he’s trying to run away from the soulmate thing. Cause that’s what he’s doing. Running away.

“No, I can tell you don’t want them there.” The sentence alone has so many undertones, and while he hasn’t spoken to his mum about the _lonely_ thing he realises she gets it. Luke shrugs. “Okay, let me sort something for you, okay? You can go on your own if you give me some time to think, and we can come to some sort of compromise, yeah?”

To be honest, she doesn’t make a huge fuss like he expects. He expected her to outright say no at first so he nods contently before she changes her mind, because this is more progress than he thought. He doesn’t even care. He needs to go.

Luke does very little for a few hours before he says his goodbye in a cheerful daze, feeling lighter knowing that the dead weight in his chest is close to being lifted. He drives to work with the radio up loud, windows down and feels normal for the first time in forever.

\---

Luke’s only 2 hours in when he’s officially done. And since he’s closing up he still has 7 hours to go.

He’s not really done; he’s just tired of petty customers complaining about absolutely everything on a day where he’s actually feeling pretty good about life. All he wants is for everybody to be happy with him. He currently feels like he’s asking for too much.

Honestly, he’ll give the girl a new muffin, but only if she stops _whining_. Yes, she bit into something hard, yes, she’s sure it wasn’t chocolate chip, and no, she’s not sure what it was. Luke’s so ready to give her the whole shop if she stops holding up the line and takes his apologies. What else does she want from him? 

Luke can’t help the sigh of relief when she takes the new one with a smug smile, and struts back to her seat in her six inch stilettos. ‘Where the hell is she going in those’ Luke questions to himself as she walks away, it’s 2 in the afternoon in a Sydney suburb. Nothing here is important enough to put those weapons on. Luke watches as she hands the new muffin to her probable boyfriend, a tall, model like man who snatches it with no thanks and Luke rolls his eyes because that’s not cute. 

The blonde boy hears the door to the backroom swing open, and he already knows who it is from the weight of the footsteps. He feels arms snake round his waist and rolls his eyes.

“Hello Harry.”

“Hi. Missed you.” It’s muffled in his shoulder and Luke rolls his eyes again.

“You saw me yesterday.”

“Too long.”

“Get to work Styles.” Harry chuckles into Luke’s neck, and even though Harry is kind of Luke’s boss he loves that they’re so comfortable now. Sometimes Luke wishes Harry was his soulmate because things would be so much easier. They get along so well, and Harry took to Luke like it was nothing, showing him the ropes when he started working at the coffee shop over a year ago. Usually Luke is such a wreck around new people, but Harry is always kind and never made him nervous once. 

However, he looks down as Harry pulls his arms away and catches a glimpse of the pretty black ink that wraps around his left arm, delicately fitting around the tattoos Harry already had. He closes his eyes, takes a deep breath, and remembers the getaway that lies ahead. He figures there’s no time like the present to bring it up.

“Hey, Harry.” The curly haired boy looks up from where he’s cleaning out the espresso machine with hot steam, and Luke thinks maybe he shouldn’t distract him; if there’s anyone more clumsy than Luke Hemmings it’s Harry Styles.

“Yeah Luke?”

“I, um, need to take some time off? I’m thinking of using that holiday time I built up.” Since Luke finished high school and decided college wasn’t for him just yet, he’s had so much time to spare that he’s been working full time hours for a part time job. It means that he’s built up a ridiculous amount of overtime pay and off days that he could probably retire.

“That’s cool. How long for?”

“A month.” 

“A month?!” Harry nearly yells and spins to face him, and Luke really needs him to step away from the machine. “Where are you going for that long?”

“Maybe even two months?” He’s not sure but Luke thinks that is definitely the wrong answer, and Harry is seconds away from heart palpitations.

“Ug- Luke! I need you here!”

“I know but, I need to go away for a bit.”

“Go away? Are you okay? Are you sick? Oh Luke you’re coming back right? Is this your way of quitting?” Luke laughs and pulls a distressed looking Harry into an embrace, glad that the shop has come to an early afternoon standstill. 

Luke understands how much Harry loves Coffee At Harry's; it’s quaint and quirky and everything that Harry knows and _is_. He knows Harry is quietly nervous about who he hires and has behind the counter, because he wants the shop to stay exactly how it is; a calm and warm escape. Harry’s built this whole new life in a shop in Sydney, thousands of miles from his home in Cheshire as Luke’s been told, and Luke understands that Harry trusts him with his home away from home.

Luke also trusts Harry, and trusts that Harry will understand why he needs to go. “I’m fine, I um, remember that time I talked to you about that thing?” 

Luke knows he’s being vague, but Harry’s also picked up on Luke’s tendency to not explain things well, and has learnt to read his face more than his words. It’s clear when Harry realises exactly what he’s talking about because he pulls Luke in closer with a comforting squeeze, recognizes that Harry remembers the drunken rant the younger boy released months ago at the seasonal staff party. 

“Well, I don’t know, it’s getting worse, and I need t- I need to go. Somewhere. I don’t know where yet, but, yeah.”

“What do you mean it’s getting worse?” And Luke closes his eyes because he knows what Harry is doing. Harry is all about being zen and understanding yourself, and Luke is the polar opposite. Harry is constantly trying to get Luke out of his comfort zone and look at things from an objective point of view, and Luke knows that Harry wants him to come to terms with what’s going on in his own head. He knows Luke will never do it on his own, because Luke is the guy who runs away.

“I don’t know. Like my head is a mess of thoughts and I can’t sleep and I hate it. I hate how it’s making me feel.”

“How is it making you feel?” And Luke breathes out harshly because this is the first time he’s saying this out loud.

“It’s making me feel like, like I don’t belong anywhere. I feel like I’m constantly burning up with how alone it feels. Feels like I’m on fire.” And Luke whispers the last part so quietly he’s not sure Harry heard, and Luke is overwhelmed by how hot he feels. Hot with embarrassment, hot with realisation, hot with _longing_. He longs for so much of something he’s never had. He feels like a crowd of people are watching him, knows they aren’t because barely anyone is in the shop, and he feels so light with the pressure of it all he’s almost positive he’s going to pass out.

Harry’s still holding onto him, but a customer walks through the sliding glass door and Harry steps away but grabs Luke’s hands. He squeezes so hard on his pulse point it grounds Luke and the younger boy looks up, sees satisfaction and pride in Harry’s eyes and can’t help but look away because Harry’s always been too intense for him.

Harry serves the customer, shoos Luke away when he goes to make the drink the customer ordered, and when she’s served he turns back around.

“So proud of you Luke. I know that must have been hard for you.” He pulls him in again quickly. “Take a break now. I think you need to sit down.” Luke doesn’t want to think about how blushed and shaken he must look. “And take as long as you need to when you go. One month, five, or one year. As long as you come back and you’re happy. There’s always a place for you here, okay? Always.” And Luke smiles, properly, because he does belong. He doesn’t know why he ever questions it, knows the prickling on his skin sometimes makes him feel lost but he knows Harry will always be there.

He takes his break but finds he doesn’t benefit from sitting in the kitchen, even though he feels so much freer after his realisation. He’s so comfortable in his skin suddenly that he doesn’t even mind when hours later, Harry turns to jelly at the sight of a light haired, blonde boy with pretty blue eyes, and that when they touch Harry melts into the floor and clearly can’t wait to fling off his apron and leave. 

Harry’s had his imprint for a while, probably 4 or so months, but Luke can tell he’s still in honeymoon phase. When they kiss slowly over the counter, he doesn’t even need to suppress the urge to puke for once. One, because Harry’s helped him so much, helped him see that the feelings haven’t gone but saying them out loud and understanding how they make him feel is a start. But also because Niall is a really nice boy who brings him cool guitar picks and charms his soul with boisterous laughter.

Niall has also come along with Liam, a brown haired boy with soft eyes and a soft voice and soft everything. He is always so kind to Luke too, and Luke is so blessed to have good friends. Liam also works in the shop and Harry wastes no time taking off with Niall, entwining their imprinted hands but not before pressing a comforting kiss to Luke’s temple.

Luke drives Liam home after locking up the shop that night, and weaves the quiet streets alone before he heads to bed himself. He sleeps through the whole night for the first time in months.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for all the lovely words so far, I always appreciate feedback <3


	3. Two: There's something happening here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This week has been so hectic and I'm getting sick :( I wrote this to make me feel better, it took a while to get started but I love it so enjoy <3

_Am I the only, only believer?  
There’s something happening here_

It takes Luke a while to realise he hasn’t seen Michael and Calum in nearly a week. He’s been so busy, taking extra shifts for Harry because he’ll be away soon and Harry keeps making these ridiculous faces at him. He enjoys working so much now, loves how at home he feels surrounded by coffee beans and fairy lights.

But it comes as a surprise how much Luke misses his friends. He’s always messaging them, even if it’s about nothing but it’s rare he goes long periods of time without seeing them. How is he going to manage going away if he can’t even handle a week? And despite feeling better in his skin, he still has this weird weight. It’s softer now, and isn’t quite as sharp as before but he recognises it’s not about himself but about his friends. It doesn’t take him long realise it’s guilt.

He feels guilty because he’s blatantly avoiding them. Avoiding the talk they’ll need to have, because he knows they’ll try and make him stay, or come with him. Because while Calum and Michael are a two, they’ll always be a three at heart.

When he makes the phone call his pulse is slightly racing, and Luke doesn’t know why he’s nervous calling Calum. His best friend since _forever_. If there’s anyone on this planet who shouldn’t make him feel nervous it’s his best friends.

“Luke! Where are you?” Calum yells but it sounds far away. He’s probably playing some video game and put Luke on speakerphone, and Luke shakes his head fondly because nothing comes before video games for Calum and Michael.

“At home, where are you?”

“You’re finally not at work! Please come over to mine. We were just talking about you.” He sounds a lot closer now and Luke can hear the edge in his voice like he knows something’s wrong, and he can imagine him and Michael sharing their _look_. He wonders if his mum has spoken to them behind his back and rolls his eyes.

“Yeah, saying what?” 

“How sad we are you’ve abandoned us for Harry Styles.” 

“Shut up, I’d never.”

“And how much we miss you. The list goes on.” Luke silently pretends he’s not blushing. It always makes his heart flutter that people think of him when he’s not there.

“You have not.”

“Yes, we have. Come over now. We want to see your pretty face.” And Calum hangs up after that. Luke pretends his blush doesn’t get deeper and his heart doesn’t get heavier.

\---

Luke doesn’t say anything about going away for hours. He doesn’t want to ruin the mood. 

When he arrived after their phone call, he was met at the door by a long limbed and purple haired Michael. He wouldn’t let him go, and if there’s anything that Luke hates to love it’s attention. He’s all over his friends, and for once it’s okay because they’re all over him too. They play Fifa and fuck around on their guitars, and it’s the nicest Luke’s felt outside the coffee shop in a while. 

It’s getting late though, and they’re tired after a large pizza each and too many beers and Luke kind of wants his bed. They’re way too tall to share Calum’s double, plus Luke is not being a third wheel on a bed that’s been used to do god knows what kind of activity. He spends 15 minutes raking up the courage to speak, but they’ve always known him well and he knows they can see his deliberation from miles away.

“Lukey,” is all Michael says and it’s all the prompt he needs.

“I, um, think I’m going to take some time and like, leave Sydney for a bit.”

“Why?” Calum doesn’t even sound surprised and his mum has definitely called.

“Because. I need to breathe for a bit.”

“There’s oxygen here.” Michael retorts harshly and Luke knew this would happen, he knew they wouldn’t understand what he needs.

“Mikey stop it.” Calum returns seriously, and Michael slumps in his seat but Luke knows it’s less because he’s sulking and more because he doesn’t understand. He’s not alone; Luke doesn’t understand any of it either.

“I’m not like, moving away. I’m coming back.”

“Yeah, but we’ve hardly spent any time away from each other. You understand this is weird for us right? It’s not like you’re going on a family holiday or a school trip. You’re going away. On your own.”

“I’m not some vulnerable kid.” 

“Yeah but we’ve known you for so long and nothing you’ve ever said suggested you were thinking about this. We’re worried.” Michael says softly.

“It’s nothing for you to worry about.” Luke whispers. All of a sudden he feels like he’s being targeted. 

“How can we not be worried? Have you seriously thought about this, going away _alone_? You’re barely 18! What if something happens? Do you even know where you want to go?” Luke shrugs at Calum’s words.

“Do you understand how ridiculous that sounds?” Luke shrugs again. He’s lost all his words.

“It’s-” Michael starts, and Luke knows Michael’s trying to be sincere by the squeeze of his eyes. “We _promised_ we were going to start the band, you know? Summer was supposed to be for us to get serious.”

“Mikey-”

“I was so ready to jam with you and Calum. Wanted us to write songs and actually be a band, and not just fuck around on our guitars. We didn’t go to college Luke. We were going to find a drummer and… whatever. Doesn’t matter anymore does it?” Luke’s positive his heart is in his stomach; of course his friends would find a way to make him feel shit. He knows how hard it was when all three of them told their parents they weren’t going to college, knows they promised everyone and each other it would be worth it.

“We can still do that.” He tries, but he already knows it’s not enough.

“No, we can’t, not when you’re going to be fuck knows where for fuck knows how long and you won’t even tell us why!”

“Please don’t get mad at me Mikey,” and Luke hates himself for letting his voice break. He hates himself for letting everything get to him, for always being so emotional. Calum can see he’s fighting off losing it and grabs his hand while glaring at a now sulking Michael.

“We only want to understand, Luke. Fair enough you don’t want us there but we can’t let you go or help you if you don’t tell us what’s wrong. It’s weird to hear this so suddenly. We don’t like the thought of you in some random place on your own.”

Luke wants to try and explain. After all they’re his best friends and he’s always told them everything. But how can he explain they’re part of the problem, or that he feels like no one can help him? 

“I can’t breathe here. It’s claustrophobic. Everything is so in my face and I need to step back. To be on my own for a bit. Feel a little lost.” He mutters, and Calum nods despite Luke’s vague explanation, doesn’t ask for anymore. But the crease in his brow suggests that he still doesn’t understand. And Luke doesn’t blame them, doesn’t blame him or Michael one bit because they’ve never had anything to look for.

“Look, I’m going to go. I’m a bit worn out.”

“Okay.” Calum doesn’t even try and stop Luke and Michael leaves the room before he does. It hurts his heart that he’s upset his friends, but for once in his life Luke needs to put himself first, and he walks out of the house without another word. 

He drives around again, past the coffee shop and wonders if Harry would mind if he slept on the couch out back. Instead he goes home, but he doesn’t dare sleep because he knows what he’ll dream about.

\---

On the occasions when Luke and his brothers would come down to the kitchen and see their parents sat at the island, they’d know something was about to go down. It hasn’t happened in a while, primarily because they’re older and Luke’s brothers are in the midst of moving so they’re never home. Ben is around though, loitering somewhere in the house but Luke knows when he sees his parents they’re waiting for him. He mutters a ‘morning’, grabs a banana and sits opposite them where a cup of tea is still steaming, and waits for them to speak.

“So, your dad and I have been talking-“ and it’s at that exact moment that Ben comes shuffling into the kitchen, and doesn’t realise he’s interrupted serious talk until he’s finished clacking about looking for a bowl. He looks up, a bit sheepish, and tries to be quieter but Luke knows he’s being deliberately slow so he can stay to hear the conversation.

“And we’ve decided, I mean we don’t particularly want to, but we’re going to let you go. Obviously with compromise.” Luke nods, enthused. He’ll do anything.

“Well, you remember Isa, right?” And the name sounds familiar but he knows he hasn’t heard it in a while. “My cousin Isabel? Very young, a bit wild?” 

And _oh_. He does remember Isa. He hasn’t seen her in a long time, close to 10 years potentially, but he does remember her having thick, dyed black hair and piercing blue eyes like his own. He remembers he was young enough to have to call her Aunty but she’d only been about 22, and she’d always whisper ‘Isa is fine, Lucas’. He remembers his mum always trying to look out for her, and he wonders if she still has the tongue piercing that made his grandma screech.

“Yeah, kind of. I remember her a bit.”

“You were very young, I can imagine it’s hard.” His dad scoffs; Luke laughs because he obviously remembers her as crazy too. His dad tries to cover it up as a cough but his mum is giving him the unimpressed side eye, and Luke loves that his parents never change.

“Well I spoke to her recently and she asked about you. I told her you were looking for somewhere to… go, and well, she’s offered her home.” And when Luke said he’d compromise he didn’t think he was going to be shipped off to another family member. He grips his teacup tighter, tries to think of a way to say ‘no thank you’ but his mum beats him to speaking.

“She lives in New Zealand.” And okay, that was unexpected.

“New Zealand?” Luke likes the way it rolls off his tongue. It’s not too far away but it’s far away enough for it to feel like an escape. He nods because this is the first time it feels like something is happening. Before, it had been decided but there was still deliberation and the possibility of it all falling through, but now he’s got a destination and _shit_.

“At least then I know that there’s someone there looking out for you, and if I can’t get through there’s someone who can tell me where you are, or if something happens. You’re my baby boy Luke, I need to know you’ll be safe.”

“Yeah,” he nods. “I can handle that.”

“That’s okay?” And Luke accepts; he can deal. As long as he’s not down the road where he’ll bump into someone he knows while walking to the shop or driving to the beach. It’s even more of an escape than he expected but he likes the anticipation of being on a plane and in a place he’s never been to before. It makes his skin tingle in a pleasant way it hasn’t done for a while.

“Good!” His dad exclaims cheerfully. “We’ll tell them you’ve agreed. Then we can book your ticket!” Luke’s face squeezes in confusion because wait?

“Them?”

“Yeah, her and her partner. I’ve spoken to him once or twice, lovely boy.” And Luke stares at his mum because he can obviously not have a single fucking break.

“I can’t intrude on a couple!?”

“She said it’s fine! She hasn’t seen you for a while and I’m sure she’d love to catch up.” Luke shakes his head because of course there would be a catch.

“Are they soulmates?” And Luke can see his parents try and mask their confusion because ‘why would it matter’, but Luke needs to know what he’s in for.

“I don’t know if they have their imprint yet. I never asked.”

“Okay. Um, doesn’t matter. Don’t ask.” He doesn’t want to sound anymore strange than he does already.

“If it makes you feel any better, they’ve got a tiny beach house. That’s what she’s offering. You won’t be in the house all the time if you don’t want to be.” And Luke kind of feels himself deflate like a balloon, because he would not have been able to handle more soulmates in his face. He has enough of those.

“Yeah, let them know. That’ll be great.” And Luke goes round the island, hugs and kisses his parents cheeks because he’s grateful they’ve been so understanding. As he’s going up the stairs, his mum calls down.

“Oh Lukey!” It’s the kind of voice she uses when she knows she’s about to say something Luke’s going to moan about.

“Please don’t think you’re staying there on the house. I’ve asked her how you can help out and she said she’ll get back to me. Keep that in mind.” Luke shrugs as he hops up the stairs. He thinks he can deal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I want to get another chapter out by Sunday but life is so busy? I love Luke in this and all I want to do it write!


	4. Three: This time I'm ready to run.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm sorry for how rubbish and filler-esque this is... It doesn't flow quite right and I probably should have proof read again. I've had the longest weekend so I'm getting into bed despite the fact it's Monday afternoon! Enjoy anyway :)

_This time I’m ready to run  
Escape from the city and follow the sun_

Luke figures it’s common manners to ring up Isa and thank her for letting him stay. He hasn’t spoken to her for years, and honestly he doesn’t know what to expect. He’d taken the number from his mum hours earlier, but he’s staring at it hopelessly trying to pluck up the courage to make the call.

The thing is, Luke hadn’t really thought this far ahead. He didn’t even think his parents would agree to it let alone help him plan. But now he’s as far as having a destination and a place to stay, the entire situation is daunting. He’d never been away from home longer than a week or two, and even then he was always with at least one person he was familiar and more importantly comfortable with. The thought of being in New Zealand with long lost family is blowing his mind, and not in a good way. He looks down at his phone in a daze and presses the call button before his thoughts get the better of him.

“Hello?” It’s immediately strange to him that the answering voice is still familiar, hasn’t changed at all since he last heard it. Luke slumps against his headboard, comforted by the familiarity of it.

“Hi, um, it’s Luke.”

“Luke? Luke Hemmings Luke? Is that you? Oh my god you sound so grown!” And Luke knows his voice got very deep very quickly, and can imagine he probably sounds very far from 11 or 12 year old Luke who she spoke to last.

“Yeah it’s me.”

“Oh my. Oh, you must be so cute now.” And Luke is so not red.

“I am not. I’m a man.” He mutters in attempt to redeem himself even though she can’t see his blush.

“Oh hush! I bet you definitely are.” Luke laughs; he’s surprised by how easy conversation is with Isa. “How are you dear? Can I help you with anything?”

“I, you know, wanted to say thank you. You really didn’t have to help so I thought I’d say thanks.”

“No worries Luke! You’re family. Your mum told me you needed to get away and I knew exactly what you meant, felt it was my duty to help you.” Luke can’t explain it but he feels like he can hear wisdom in her voice that reminds him of Harry. “I knew I had to get out of Sydney before I moved here, knew I’d suffocate if I didn’t.”

“That’s kind of how I feel. No one really gets it.”

“Oh Luke, it’s fine. We’re the same, me and you. I’ve got your back.” There’s something in her voice that makes Luke feel like she’s always one step ahead of him, but not in a competitive way, just a way that surprises him every time she speaks because she already gets it.

“Still, thanks.” 

“It’s okay, you were always my favourite. I win too.” Luke feels his cheeks tinge pink with happiness knowing that someone has always appreciated him. He perks up hearing Isa’s voice. “When were you planning on coming?”

“I thought I’d check in with you first?”

“Well, if you come on Sunday I’ll pick you up from the airport.”

“Sunday?” Luke hopes she misses the squeak in his voice.

“Not this one, breathe Luke, the next. I think that’s a little short notice.” Luke agrees considering it’s Friday afternoon, because he doesn’t think a day and a half is quite enough time to prepare mentally not to mention physically.

“Yeah, yeah that sounds great.”

“Good! Well I’m excited to see you again. Your mum says you’re a giant!”

“You too. Thanks again.” Luke laughs in reply, and he’s genuinely eager to see her again. For the first time Luke finds he’s wishing time away. As he’s about to hang up he hears her speak again.

“Oh wait, Luke. Do you still play guitar?”

“Yeah, why?” Luke’s clearly puzzled; he must have only been starting seriously when he last saw her, he’s surprised she remembers.

“How does teaching guitar sound to you?”

Luke thinks it sounds like his type of hell but he remembers what his mum said to him. “I think I can do that. But um, what’s the alternative?”

“There’s isn’t really one.” He nods even though she can’t see him and accepts his defeat. It could be worse.

“Um, okay. Guitar lessons. Why not?”

\---

Luke hasn’t spoken to Calum or Michael at all in five days. They haven’t fallen out like this in years. It’s been the longest five days of his life because he’s barely been at work either; he’s just been in his room alone. He has other friends he could call but he doesn’t want them, he wants Calum and Michael. He doesn’t feel like it’s his place to call them, thinks they’ll still be angry at him and he doesn’t want to be rejected. He’d rather pretend that none of them has plucked up the courage than to try to call and be denied.

However it’s Saturday afternoon and Luke needs to book his plane tickets now, he’s sat in front his laptop with his one way flight chosen but he can’t do it knowing he hasn’t spoken to his friends.

This time, he calls Michael, and when the phone rings his pulse beats even faster. He looks at the screen really hard, like if he concentrates enough it’ll pull him through and he won’t have to deal with this. 

It goes for a while and Luke’s heart is sinking lower and lower with each ring but just as he’s about to hang up Michael answers. He doesn’t say anything, and Luke knows it’s his place to make the first move. Michael is always so stubborn and it makes him want to laugh despite their situation.

“Mikey, hey.”

“Hello Luke.” And it’s definitely his stubborn voice. Luke hasn’t had this directed at him for a long time, and he’s almost forgotten how to manage it. However he’s known Michael for too long now, and knows that he’s a sucker for a little bit of sweet talk. 

“Missed you.”

“Shut up.”

“Mikeyyyy,” Luke whines continuously, and he knows he’s won when Mikey lets out this deflated sigh.

“Missed you too.” And Luke loves how they can’t fight, not really, not when they’ve been through so much together.

“Is Cal with you?”

“He’s not.” Luke’s kind of surprised. They’re always together. “We, um, haven’t spoken that much.” And fuck, Luke realises that they probably haven’t spoken since their spat and he really has messed up everything.

“Fuck, Mikey, I didn’t mean to- like, was it because of me? I’m really sorry. I swear-”

“Luke, calm down, it wasn’t you. I wasn’t very sympathetic and Calum wasn’t very happy about it, we needed some time. We’re fine. I think the whole night was a shock for all of us. If anything I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to make you upset.”

“I didn’t mean to make you upset either. Can you come over now? And tell Calum to come too?”

“Course Lukey.”

When they arrive they hug at the front door for a while, and Luke feels the love he has for them to the tips of his toes. They pull back, and Luke can see by the redness in their cheeks and sore mouths that they definitely made up before they got here. Luke goes to the freezer to get a tub of mint chocolate chip ice cream and picks up three spoons. It’s getting ridiculously hot, so they settle upstairs on Luke’s bed and start to eat it straight away before it melts.

Luke pulls his laptop in front of them, doesn’t really want to say anything but allows them to see the ticket he plans on purchasing so they can put two and two together themselves. Michael clocks on first; Luke can tell by his spoon hovering mid air.

“New fucking Zealand?” And Calum’s face scrunches before he realises too and his eyebrows shoot up, more in excitement than surprise.

“No way! Luke I’m so jealous! I haven’t been in so long.” He looks a bit sad suddenly and Luke feels the guilt in his chest rise again for not bringing them with him. “Say hi to the homeland for me, it’s so sweet there.” They chuckle quietly before it settles to silence again.

“That’s, wow, Luke.” Michael sounds awed and Luke thinks it’s hit them both that this is actually happening. “So you’re actually going on your own?” And when Luke shakes his head they both look surprised.

“Well, I’m going on my own but I’m staying out with my mum’s cousin. She’s like 29 but she’s really cool.” Luke shrugs and they nod, and maybe they look a bit more accepting now.

“So you’re not like, wandering forestland on your own looking for spiritual healing then.” Luke laughs and shakes his head, pulls his friends in on either side of him with long arms. He likes that they’ve come to a bit more of an agreement now.

“Going to miss you guys so much, don’t think you understand.”

“Of course we do. You’re not going to be here, it’s going to be so weird. You’re going next _weekend_.” Luke nods because that’s true. He keeps forgetting he’s going away too, that his parents and his brothers and friends all have to watch him go. He eats more ice cream, which is quickly turning liquid in the heat of his room, and clicks to buy the ticket. His parents had been adamant that they help him pay but it’s not that expensive from Sydney to Auckland and he has so much saved up. He feels the need to do it for himself.

“Wait, Luke. Why is it one way?” Calum asks, and he feels Michael tense at his side.

“I don’t really know when I’m coming back.” He says, and he knows it’s not the answer his best friends want to hear.

“Luke, that’s ridiculous, you can’t stay there forever.”

“I don’t plan to! But what if I hate it and I want to come home immediately, but I have a ticket for like, a month later? Or what if I book it but want to stay a little longer?”

“Stay a little longer?” Michael sounds absolutely incredulous. “It’s a holiday Luke? You know, when you go away to enjoy life a bit then come home? You’re not migrating!”

“Mikey,” Luke says, because he can’t have him be angry again.

“No, I’m not mad at you I promise, but I just don’t get it.” Silence overcomes the room quickly, and it’s almost suffocating before Calum speaks in a gentle voice.

“He needs to go away Michael. You know when we talk about escaping?” And Luke watches as Calum plays with Michael’s hair, and he sinks into the touch like Calum’s his gravity. He didn’t really expect Calum to get it but he thinks he finally does, and it makes Luke’s heart soar.

“Yeah, I know, I get that feeling. I always want to escape too.”

“Well, Luke’s doing something about that feeling.” And Michael looks at Luke, really looks at him for a minute and pulls him into a hug so hard Luke thinks he’s going to be sick. And Calum joins them, only pulls back because Luke’s about to time out for the ticket he wants to purchase, and Luke fills out his details and clicks buy.

They sit for the rest of the afternoon, feeling grounded and inspired and manage to record a riff for a song on Michael’s phone, and Calum sings lyrics Luke’s never heard before but sound like success.

“Will you drive me to the airport?” Luke asks while they’re getting the words down in scratchy handwriting in an old notebook, and they look up at him gratefully.

“Of course.” Michael replies, and when Calum agrees with a nod Luke can’t stop beaming.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll update before Friday, definitely! I just need to sort out my life haha. Please leave feedback it makes me happy <3


	5. Four: We made a start.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The last week has been a mess, uni is a mess, I have an essay due tomorrow and all I have is a blank page but I had to get this up! Hope it's worth the wait, sorry <3

_We made a start  
Be it a false one, I know_

It’s not until Luke’s luggage and guitar are packed away in Calum’s mum’s car (he borrowed it after _a lot_ of begging) and his mum pulls him into a hug that Luke breaks down. He was fine in the morning with Michael and Calum, and even when his brother’s and Harry all drove down to say goodbye. His dad pats his back and squeezes his arm hard as his mum wipes his tears, holding in her own. He didn’t expect the goodbye to be such a sentimental process, but he thinks they all understand how big of a deal this is. None of them know when he’ll be back, and it’s a little scary to take in.

Calum and Michael however wouldn’t let it go the entire drive to the airport.

“Oh Lukey, are you okay? Do you need my shoulder to cry on?” Michael’s voice is teasing but Luke can hear the undertone, his way of saying ‘I’m joking but I’m being serious, my shoulder is actually here if you need it’. But at this point Luke is still in the heat of his embarrassment, and sinks lower and lower into the backseat he has to himself and his guitar.

“Fuck off.” Luke’s voice has no bite to it, he’d rather like to forget the whole thing, thank you.

“You didn’t cry when we said our goodbyes. Didn’t cry for your brothers’ either. Aren’t we worth your sweet tears Luke?” Calum joins in, and Luke would punch his arm dead if he wasn’t driving. 

“You didn’t give birth to me!” Both the boys in the front snicker together.

“Mummy’s boy,” they whisper in unison, and Luke’s so glad the drive to the airport is short; he’s 2 seconds from causing an accident.

Their goodbye once Luke reaches his gate is fond and effortless; they’d already spent the entire morning together, looking online at things Luke could spend his time doing while away in New Zealand. Luke decided he definitely wanted to try surfing, and the boys all agreed that if the funds were there they would come down for Michael’s birthday. It made Luke sad that he would miss his best friend’s birthday for the first time ever, but he didn’t expect to be back within the three weeks before Michael turned 19. Luke promises himself he’ll do everything he can to make it up to him.

“Going to miss you guys so fucking much,” he murmurs into their necks as they hug, and the two boys nod in agreement.

“We’re going to miss you too. So so much. Please be safe Lukey.” Calum breathes, and Luke gives him a shy smile.

“And please come back. Don’t decide New Zealand is better than here. It’s not.” Michael adds, and they all laugh despite the seriousness of Michael’s statement. But Luke knows no matter what he’ll come home, because home is where his family and his friends are. He could find everything he ever wants in New Zealand but it would never equate to playing music in Calum’s bedroom or sitting in his mother’s arms.

“I’ll be back before you know it,” Luke whispers, pulling them both in for one last hug before reaching security.

The flight from Sydney to Auckland is an easy one and Luke crashes almost immediately, realising how emotionally shot he is. He finds he settles quickly on the plane, though his cheeks are still tinged pink with embarrassment every time he thinks of the fact he cried saying goodbye. But he falls into slumber soon after take off, and sleeps for the entire flight. 

He wakes up as the hostess is giving instructions, and Luke tries to shake the sleep out of his system because he has to meet Isa at his arrivals gate. He’s nervous, even more so now that he’s awake and aware he’s _actually_ out of Australia, on his own and away from home and his friends and what possessed him to think this was a good idea? 

He tries to breathe because having a breakdown while a plane is landing is probably not the best idea, but the turbulence is far from comforting and Luke is definitely going to be sick. Just as his stomach is about to lurch the plane stabilises, and Luke releases the vice grip he has on the hand rests and allows blood to flow back to his fingertips. He closes his eyes in hopes to steady his breathing; people are already getting their things together and prepping themselves to get off but Luke can’t seem to orientate himself.

When he eventually gets off the plane he’s in a complete daze, following the crowd to find his luggage. He doesn’t know how he manages to find his things. To top it off, he doesn’t really know what to look for anymore, remembers Isa told him she’d be standing near _something_ , but he can’t remember what it was. His confusion must be clear though, because after a while of aimless walking he feels soft hands brace his arm gently, and he whips around to face the culprit.

The first thing Luke notes is that her face hasn’t changed at all, and she’s still very beautiful. Her features are petite and cute and Luke also notes that they have a lot of the same features, thinks they could probably pass for siblings even. The other thing he notes is that she’s blonde, which is a lot different from the dark locks she used to have when Luke was younger. He knows he should probably stop staring.

“Hi,” Luke realises this probably isn’t the best first impression, but he feels so lost in his head. He’s clouded by doubt and fear in a somewhat foreign place and no one he’d usually go to for comfort is there to console him. 

“Luke? Are you okay? Look at me.” And Luke does, properly, and her eyes remind him of his mum’s. They’re a warm, kind blue and he immediately sinks into her touch, allows her to take his luggage and pulls him to a bench. She pulls out a bottle of water from her bag and forces him to drink, and it helps make him feel a little less light headed. He clutches his guitar, likes how familiar it feels in his arms.

“Sorry.” He apologises, trying to shake the prickly feeling off his skin. He’s weak at the knees, grateful that he’s sitting down now. He’s exhausted and desperately needs to sleep again. 

“It’s okay, it’s probably shock. Everything’s actually happening, huh?” She rubs his back, links their fingers together to ground him. He still kind of feels like he’s on the plane.

“Yeah.” He nods, and he squeezes her back as soon as their hands are linked.

“Let’s get you home.” She pulls him up, allows him to balance himself before wrapping an arm around his waist and pulls his luggage while guiding them out to the airport car park. Luke, unsurprisingly, follows her lead. He doesn’t have a clue what’s going on.

“Your mum wasn’t lying when she’d you were tall Luke, wow.” She cranes her neck to look up at him, and Luke moves his hanging arm so it rests on her shoulder. He laughs shyly, turning his head away as he flushes red. 

“I don’t have a clue how it happened.” He pretends to look around the car park but he doesn’t want to meet her eyes, knows she’s probably laughing at his blush. She tugs on his arm with her free hand to get his attention, and he peaks at her from the corner of his eyes, tugging on his lip ring.

“I told you you’d be cute! Look at you, you’ll be breaking hearts all over NZ.” He shakes his head profusely; he could only wish.

In the car home, classical music is playing softly in the back and it’s such a change to the angry metal Luke always used to hear coming from her headphones. She’s changed a lot; she’s softer, more maternal and Luke can’t believe how calm he feels with her already.

“I was planning to get the first kid to come in for you to teach tomorrow but if you need some time to relax I’ll tell them next week?”

“No no, tomorrow is good. Don’t want to be unoccupied or like, wallow in my loneliness.” He tries to laugh it off, but Luke can tell it hasn’t slipped past her.

“You won’t be lonely Luke, New Zealand is more than friendly, you’ll meet so many people I’m sure.” He nods, tries to seem convinced rather than pale, tired and unsure he knows he looks. “Are you sure tomorrow is good?”

“Definitely.”

It’s nearly 10pm when they reach Isa’s home, and from what Luke can see it’s a beautiful place. But he’s drained to his core, so tired he can barely walk. As soon as she shows Luke through to the modest but pretty beach house behind the garden, Luke finds his room and crawls into bed. He barely manages to take off his clothes and falls asleep as soon as his head hits the pillow.

\---

The first student is a boy called Harry. Luke reckons he’s about 12, but he’s bright and funny and picks up everything Luke teaches him quickly, and it makes for an easy two hours. He finds that he’s enjoying this, loves sitting in the sun with a guitar in his hand. Harry is constantly complimenting him too, saying he wants to be that good one day, and Luke can’t remember feeling more peaceful.

Luke’s first morning in NZ was a bit of a blur, but a nice one all the same. He woke up, slightly confused on his whereabouts but loved the way the sun shone in through the blinds into the pale blue room. He wandered aimlessly through the beach house, getting acquainted with everything before having a long shower to clear his head. He got dressed and strolled across the heat of the garden, wet hair and barefoot while following the smell of what he desperately hoped were pancakes. 

Isa made him a stack enough to feed a family, and after thanking her endlessly he spent the rest of the morning and early afternoon in the sun calling everyone at home. Talking to everyone at home left him inspired and _free_ enough to write and fiddle with his guitar for hours. Luke found it was nice having no distractions, no one to answer to. He knew if he needed anything Isa was just indoors, and that was comfort enough.

Luke is teaching Harry a new chord when they realise time is up. The 4pm sun is still beating down on them despite finding shade under a tree in the corner of the garden, and Harry claims his brother should be here soon. 

“Mum says he has to pick me up because she’s at work.” Harry explains and Luke nods, figures they can keep going until he arrives, so they’re in the middle of learning the transition from a C to an F chord when Harry and Luke hear the younger boy’s name being called. 

Luke can’t tear his eyes away from the owner of the voice.

The boy standing at the top of the garden is more than beautiful, even from afar. He’s tan, a nice kind of tan that you get from long days at the beach, and the sliding glass patio door is reflecting sunlight onto his golden curls. Luke can’t imagine how strong he must be, tall and broad underneath his oversized shirt and tight black jeans. Still, he can tell the boy would stand a few inches below him, and fuck if Luke isn’t infatuated. His hair is tousled but contained underneath a navy bandana and yeah, he needs to stop staring.

"Time to go!" The boy calls out, and his voice is pretty, higher than Luke’s own but still authoritative, and Luke wants to listen forever.

"That's my brother Ashton," Harry says excitedly, turning back around to Luke after waving animatedly, "can I go?"

"Of course, help me take the guitars in?" Harry nods, happily willing to help and he and Luke walk together towards the figure standing half in half out of the house, leaning against the frame. Luke doesn't really know what to do with himself, so he follows them inside. 

"Hey rockstar" Ashton says, high fiving Harry when he sets the guitar down against the couch. "You have a good time?"

"Awesome time! Luke is amazing, you have to hear him play!" And Luke is not blushing over a compliment from a 12 year old boy, no way.

"I'd hope so, we want you to get better not worse," the two laugh as Ashton ruffles his brother’s hair, and Luke feels like an intruder even though he's meant to be there. The older boy hasn't acknowledged him once.

"Shall we go?" Ashton says, leading his brother by the top of his back, and what, Luke can't let him go when all he's done is stand there like a stick.

"Um, you were great Harry! You should be quite proud of him, um, he's definitely a natural, caught on quickly." And even though they halt only Harry turns around, pride and gratefulness etched on his face. But he obviously hasn't caught on to the awkward air that's settled around them. Luke can't do awkward, always tries to say something to get the balance right again because he knows it's usually his fault. 

"Ashton, is it?" And the boy finally turns around; his brows furrowed and looks directly at Luke. His eyes are a soft hazel, a pretty colour that could melt anyone. Luke's definitely made things more awkward but all the same he’s seconds away from becoming a human puddle. The boy is _beautiful._ "Harry said," he squeaks, and Luke's never been more embarrassed.

“Um, I’m Luke.” And he’s about to offer a hand but doesn’t get the chance before Ashton steps back like he knew it was coming.

"Right." He still doesn’t answer the question, turns back around with a curt nod and leads Harry round the corridor and out of the front door. Luke hears when the engine of a car roars up, hears it get quieter and further away within seconds.

Luke sets both the guitars safely against the wall before he falls into the soft, marble brown couch and groans, rubbing the heels of his hands into his eyes. Talk about solid first impression.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yay hey Ash <3
> 
> Also I've moved tumblrs in case you haven't seen, I'm no longer a sideblog so I can follow everyone back :) Follow me [cashtens](http://cashtens.tumblr.com) for updates and just be my friend please. Subscribe too it means a lot!


	6. Five: Another non stop will it ever end?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of loved writing this one!
> 
> Small warning, I guess there's a slight referral to drink driving (i.e. Luke has a sip of drink when he’s supposed to drive later). It’s literally nothing but I’m still warning cause it might occur next chapter too <3

_Here we go again  
Another non stop will it ever end?_

Luke doesn’t think he could look anymore sad right now. He’s sitting in a Starbucks not far from his current home, and he feels like he’s betraying Coffee At Harry’s by drinking corporate coffee beans. He’s also alone, and despite the fact he’s sitting at a table in the corner he’s positive everyone’s aware of his lonesomeness. 

The last three days have been Luke attempting to occupy his time by being a traveller and trying not to think about _Ashton_. But he has. A lot. Luke thinks about his pretty face and his nice hair and long, strong legs. He’s been outside quite a lot, seen New Zealand for the beautiful place it is, but he can’t get his racing thoughts of hazel eyes to rest for two seconds.

He’s spent the morning wandering through the city still trying not to look like a lost tourist, and today Calum and Michael have received tons of pictures of things he’s immediately loved. He sends bright street art and cool comic shops he hopes they’ll all be able to visit one day. A particular music shop catches his eye, large but independent judging by the quirky furniture and mismatched wood everywhere, and he sneakily takes pictures of guitars he could only dream of having. Michael and Calum send heart eye emojis and exclamation marks that make Luke tingle.

It takes Luke another two hours before he leaves the shop. He reckons it’s because the man out front (John, he learns) can’t stand his puppy dog eyes at the sleek acoustic guitars; he hands him one and rolls his eyes playfully at Luke’s wide ones. He sits down on a bright red couch and places it on his lap like a child.

“You’re good.” John says after a solid hour of Luke fiddling around, smiles and winks as he walks away to help a customer.

Luke left more because he was so embarrassingly in his element and he didn’t want John to get exasperated. He proclaims his thanks, promises he’ll come back when John says he’s welcome to. 

The new human contact makes his senses strung out, surprised but happy, and he desperately wants to write down the lyrics running through his head about new beginnings. He honestly doesn’t mean to jump when someone puts a bright green leaflet on top of his table with a rose tattoo perfectly placed on the front of their hand. He tries to chuckle it off but he knows it sounds strained because lovely, another soulmate stamp stuck right in his face. He doesn’t look up at the culprit.

“Hey, excuse me?” Luke cringes to himself – he didn’t think the guy wanted to talk.

“Um, hi?” He doesn’t know why it sounds like a question and Luke hopes he doesn’t make the rest of this conversation hopeless. He meets the person’s eyes; he’s dark haired, a fringe to compete with Michael’s and warm eyes that remind him of Calum’s. He’s got a nice smile and a skull behind his ear and Luke automatically thinks he’s too cool for him, subconsciously shies away a bit. 

“I know this is really, really weird, but I saw you in the music shop earlier? You’re really talented. And like, I’ve seen you’re wearing a Green Day shirt so you’re already awesome.”

“Oh.” Luke tries not to look like a deer in headlights. “Yeah, I love them, and thank you.” He’s grateful someone has taken notice of him, but he’s still unsure this is proper social etiquette; he might still have the ‘don’t talk to strangers’ mentality locked in. He tries to relax his posture, because this guy is possibly going to make Luke look less _lonely_ , and that can only be a good thing.

“So, right, I was wondering, these guys I know are doing a gig today, and they want a crowd of more than, like, me,” he laughs nervously, and Luke feels a bit more at ease knowing that this guys nervous too. “So.”

“Um, shit, I don’t know.” And Luke doesn’t. It’s not like he’ll know anyone there, except this guy whose name he hasn’t even learned yet. He doesn’t want to be an outsider in a city that’s not even home. But what better opportunity to meet people, especially like-minded music lovers? And who knows what might happen, maybe he’ll find that drummer they’ve always wanted.

“Come on, it’ll be good. They’re awesome. Even if you like, drop in and leave, they’d be grateful to you for showing.” And Luke can’t see why not.

“Yeah, alright. I’ll come. Sure.” 

“Can I sit down?” Luke realises that Alex’s other hand has a drink in it, and he nods. He considers the possibility that this could be a friendship in the making.

“Of course.”

Luke finds out that Alex Gaskarth is from Maryland on the east coast of America, or more importantly very far away. He can’t imagine being thousands and thousands of miles from home, but it’s quite clear Alex is a few years older than him. He hopes one day he’ll be able to travel more than a country away and not feel like the world is caving in. Luke also learns Alex’s travels are due his constant desire to get away, kind of like Luke but for a lot longer and with a lot less shelter.

“I mostly stay in hostels or on people’s couches.” Luke definitely wouldn’t be able to manage having to find somewhere to sleep every other night. “It’s weird living. It’s like not belonging anywhere.” He hums as Alex speaks but knows that feeling too well to ever willingly add onto it.

“That must be fun.” Luke responds, and it sounds so deadpan he at least has the nerve to blush in apology. Alex doesn’t seem to notice or purposely ignores it.

“It is. I could find a hostel or something to stay in all the time but I’d much rather buy other things. I’ve met a nice crowd of people here though. You’ll meet a couple of them tonight, they’ve been good to me and my friends.” Luke nods in understanding. Tonight. He’s excited but nervous all the same. New people always make him feel tetchy, but he’s a people pleaser and everyone he knows always tells him that strangers like him easily. 

Well, some strangers. Luke tries not to let his thoughts trail back to curly hair and sweet smiles.

And even though Alex has told Luke quite a bit about himself, Luke still finds himself omitting certain parts of his own story. He tells Alex about his amazing friends and family back home, but leaves out the whole _soulmate_ thing that he’s been desperately trying to forget, and succeeded to an extent before he saw Alex’s own. He was (guiltily) glad to see the day after his arrival that Isa’s own had not appeared, too out of it to notice at the airport, but he also hasn’t seen this partner she apparently has. He’s starting to wonder if he even exists.

Eventually conversation dies down and a comfortable silence falls over them, but Luke isn’t too good with silences even when both parties seem willing to commit. His eyes are continuously drawn to Alex’s rose tattoo, and it’s like something he’s never seen before. The more he looks at it the more unsure he is it’s an imprint. He can’t tell because Alex is wearing long sleeves, and Luke’s filter for acceptable conversation has never worked that well.

“Hey, can I ask, is that your imprint?” And Alex looks up, perfectly curved eyebrow raised before he looks down at his hand.

“Yes. And no. But yes.”

“Oh.” Luke somehow supposes nothing’s been answered.

“Well, it was just a tattoo before but when I got my imprint it kind of got added to, and like, continues up?” He sounds unsure, or maybe it’s fond. He hasn’t known Alex long enough to tell, but he doesn’t ask anymore questions, isn’t sure he cares. He hums again and drinks from his cup even though his coffee’s gone cold.

Luke’s starting to think that he’s destined to know the world’s most people who have found their soulmates. It’s a shit achievement.

\---

Isa lets him take the car, promises she won’t need it because she’s spending the night in with Spencer. Luke thinks it’s plausible to ask why he hasn’t seen this Spencer yet and it’s Thursday. 

“Oh, he’s been away on business, back tonight.” Luke nods, hopes his face doesn’t betray him on the fact that he thinks that’s such a movie line. Away on _business._

When he reaches the beach house Luke instantly trips over something the moment he steps inside. He hasn’t made the residence his own in any way, he didn’t bring anything to do so, but he feels like little things are starting to look different. Moving furniture around to get the perfect TV lounging set up, the stuffed penguin sat in the middle of the couch, shoes littered on the floor. It’s comforting having all the space.

He makes his way to one of the two rooms, the other of which he never goes in. He picked the larger, blue toned one with the nice bay windows, and he immediately goes over to open the blinds and dive into the wardrobe. 

His guitar is leaning against one of the doors, and he perfectly places it in the centre of the bed because that’s a whole lot of saving in one instrument. It’s an expensive, quality acoustic, not as good as the ones he’d been playing with earlier but Luke still feels like his entire being rests in the wood of that guitar.

There’s only an hour or so before he has to leave, but Luke finds himself playing again; he needs a second to breathe. He’d decided to take a little walk to clear his mind and the prickly skin that had returned after his earlier conversation with Alex, but a little walk had turned into a huge walk in a park that he couldn’t get out of for 40 minutes. Luke would have found it a little funny if he hadn’t suddenly had the image of never getting out and missing his one opportunity to make ‘friends’, so he called Isa to come and get him, shy and red when she tells him she’s surprised it hadn’t happened already. He doesn’t know if that’s a stab at him or Auckland’s endless green.

It doesn’t take him long to get ready. He changes his black hoodie for a dark denim jacket and quiffs his hair after ridding it of his snapback, thinks he might as well make the effort. 

He scoffs down the large but ridiculously good bolognaise dinner Isa’s made, still fiery hot from the pot and Luke thinks this Spencer guy might actually be real. His suspicions are in fact confirmed as he heads back from the bathroom after one last look over and fix of his hair, and there’s another tallish man in the kitchen. With his tongue down his cousin’s throat. He squeaks a ‘I’ll be back late’, figures they can make acquaintances at a more appropriate date and heads out the front door.

The drive is easier than he thought; he looks at the green leaflet he’d thrown in his back pocket earlier and inserts the address into the navigation system. He’s unsure there’ll be anywhere to park, he didn’t bother to ask but it’s too late to get Isa to drive him there. 

It’s only a 20 minute journey, and Luke finds a spot halfway down the road to the venue. He knows he’s there because he can already hear a thumping baseline, and he’s suddenly so excited having not been to a proper gig in, well, ever. He, Calum and Michael had never really known other people interested in the music thing apart from Luke’s friends at the coffee shop, so the extent of their gigs were acoustics sessions after his shift. This was real, and judging from the dingy look outside very underground. He walks toward the man guarding the door.

“Hey, ID. And $7.” And fuck, Luke doesn’t think he’s got cash, he spent the last of it on his Starbucks. He’s about to be a nuisance and ask if they take card or the Australian dollars he hasn’t converted yet when Alex comes bumbling out of the double doors, beer in hand. 

“No no, he’s with me! No money!” And Luke’s not sure if he’s happy or drunk. Potentially a bit of both. Luke tries not to judge him over the fact it’s only half 8.

“Hey Luke! Luke, can I call you Lukey?” And yeah, definitely drunk. Luke sees a figure follow behind Alex, but Alex has already got Luke in a headlock. He tries to manoeuvre his head so his quiff stays intact, and giggles when Alex tries to feed him beer.

“Noo, I can’t drink I’m driving home later!”

“Please, just a bit?” And Luke takes a quick gulp in hopes it’ll make Alex let him go. It does, and he pulls back but keeps close to Alex who has gripped his wrist.

“Ashton, Ashton look this is Luke I was just telling you about!” And _what?_ Luke wants to turn his head, kind of doesn’t at the same time but knows he needs to. Alex saves him the effort and thrusts him into Ashton’s chest, and he looks the least bit affected, hazel eyes boring straight into Luke’s. Luke’s mouth opens like a fish, stays like that while he gets his words out.

“Hey, again.” And fuck, Luke thinks he’d rather have stayed home third wheeling Isa than deal with Ashton’s blank face. Ashton nods, the exact same one he gave him at the end of Harry’s guitar lesson, and turns around to go back inside. Alex doesn’t seem to notice again, traipsing inside after Ashton and Luke wishes he was as blissfully ignorant as everyone else.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All I do is [tumblr](http://cashtens.tumblr.com) so come say hey, please kudos and subscribe too ♡


	7. Six: Falling for your fool's gold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a bit shit :( My laptop has died on me with all of my fics including my Cashton part 2 and this is what I had of this chapter in my email. I couldn't really edit but I'll probs will next week! Love me anyway I'm sorry <3

_Yeah I let you use me from the day that we first met  
But I'm not done yet, falling for your fool's gold_

“Hey, watch it!” Ashton yells, throwing a glare at the guy scuttling off now covered in beer that had bumped him a little too hard, and Luke can’t help the giggle that slips out. Luke can tell Ashton’s a bit drunk now; he’s judging by the pitch of his voice plus the slurring every other word, and the music in the background is making things worse because he has to shout too. Ashton’s eyes meet Luke’s for another fleeting second, probably after hearing his laugh before he looks back to his friends and it’s been like this _all night._ Luke might as well be a ghost because other than the occasional glance he’s positive Ashton can’t see him.

The rest of Ashton and Alex’s friends had taken to Luke straight away, and Luke’s surprised that even though most people are drinking he’s having such a good time. To Luke everyone seems so down to earth, and it’s so different from Sydney where 90% listen to top 40 or weird underground rap; he thinks this might be his scene. There’s no pressure to be anything, and Luke likes how easy he feels surrounded by good music and even better people.

As Luke looks to the stage, another band setting up, he doesn’t know why Alex was so worried about the turnout. The venue is packed to the brim. Luke can barely breathe but it’s a nice kind of claustrophobic, the kind where it’s intimate and harmless. He wants to call Michael and Calum, tell them how much he loves them but he much he loves this, fly them over so he can share this with them.

The conversation is still flowing despite Luke’s straying train of thought, and he tries to tune back into the stream. Ashton’s talking, which Luke’s learned in the last few hours is not unusual.

“I really want to be in a proper band! But like, not a band that’s recognized, cause I feel like once those dynamics have been made it’s hard, you know? You’ll make a suggestion and they’ll shut you down cause you’re the new guy.” Ashton reels out, and Luke’s stomach kind of flutters in interest when he realises what he’s talking about.

“I want to be in a band too. I’m starting one, but like, with my friends at home in Sydney.” Ashton looks at him like he’s analyzing, and for a second Luke is sure Ashton’s going to tell him to like, butt out of the conversation, but he replies with an air of something Luke can’t decipher.

“Sydney?” Luke nods, is about to ask him if he’s been before, finally instigate some sort of conversation, but Ashton just hums in response and angles his body away from Luke like he’s done with the topic, with _him_ , and Luke knows he shouldn’t be but he’s shocked. He’s bordering on a little embarrassed because Ashton wasn’t even subtle about it, and he’s talking to his friends like Luke doesn’t exist again.

“I’m going to, um, get a drink.” He doesn’t wait for a response, isn’t even talking at anyone particular as he heads towards the bar.

“I thought you weren’t drinking!” Alex calls out but Luke doesn’t reply; it’s easy to pretend he doesn’t hear when it’s so loud.

Luke gets a small beer, sits at the stool at the bar and sips slowly. One beer won’t get him drunk in the least, but he does need to drive home soon and he’d rather be safe. He’s taking baby sips and watching the new band from his seat. They’re alright, not as good as the other two that have played tonight, but to Luke it’s incredible that they’re even up there. He’d do anything for that to be him.

He doesn’t notice when Alex turns up by his side, stealing his beer to drink before putting it down on the bar.

“Stop me if I’m jumping the gun, but,” Alex looks contemplative as he hops on the empty stool next to Luke, and it’s only now that Luke realises the place is emptying out a bit. He assumes that the band is nearly done and that people are avoiding the rush to the exit. He should probably head out himself soon so he doesn’t get lost in the crowd, he needs to find his car. “I apologise if any of the guys are like, being a bit of a dick to you.”

And Luke hopes the dimness of the room hides his flush because is it that obvious? Luke doesn’t know what he’s done to make Ashton so averse to him, but if it’s enough to make even a drunk Alex notice then maybe he needs to stop trying. Luke’s a terrible liar but he doesn’t want Alex to make a big deal of it.

“No, no. You’re definitely jumping the gun. Everyone’s good.”

“Okay, well, I’m here. If anything is like, bothering you. I know how weird it feels to be a stranger among familiars.” And Luke nods, is genuinely grateful that Alex is being so good to him, but he feels shot with tiredness suddenly.

“I’m gonna head off now, I think.” Luke looks up and a crowd is already starting to gather at the exit, and Luke really doesn’t want to be caught up in that, especially if there’s a potential it’ll be with Ashton.

“Gotta say bye to the guys, come on!” Alex drags him, again, and Luke can’t believe how comfortable he is dragging people he’s known for like, 10 hours. He announces Luke’s departure with sad eyes and everyone moans accept Ashton, but for once he’s actually looking at Luke. Straight in the eyes but his face is expressionless. Luke doesn’t know how he manages to get it so blank.

The rest high five, even hug him and make Luke laugh out a promise they’ll all hang again. Ashton doesn’t move, doesn’t even flinch and Luke tries not to look at him as he says his last goodbyes. He takes his lip in his mouth out of nervous habit, playing with his lip ring as he hazards one last look at Ashton. He’s staring at Luke still, but his eyes have dropped to his mouth, and Luke hates how that makes his stomach flip. It’s only for a couple of seconds but it’s long enough, and when Ashton looks back up Luke doesn’t risk seeing what his face does next. He shoots off towards the exit trying to convince himself that no, Ashton wasn’t staring at his mouth and yes, get a grip Luke.

\---

Luke doesn’t know how he manages to sleep until midday. He’d gotten home after 1 in the morning with little trouble, and he’d stayed up watching rubbish late night TV drinking a beer or two that he’d really needed before and even more so when he got home. His mind was racing to the point it broke him down, and he fell asleep on the couch with the TV on.

He gets up with achy limbs and legs with no circulation, slips off his jeans and shirt and pads down to his room to get back into bed. Before he does, he grabs his laptop from the desk and gets comfortable with his back to the headboard. He opens it up, logs into Skype before calling Michael and making himself more comfortable as it rings.

It takes a while before the boy answers, but when he does it’s a pale face with a toothy grin too close to the screen, but Luke laughs because he hasn’t see this face for well, four days but Luke this it’s long enough to miss it as much as he does.

“Hey Mikey. Why you so close?”

“Using my phone. Can’t be bothered to get the laptop, it’s all the way across the room.”

“Get Calum to get it.” Luke already knows Calum is there, can always tell by Michael’s behaviour and the way he speaks like he’s always hinting something else he wants Calum to catch onto.

“I’m not your slave. I’m not anyone’s slave.”

“Please baby, then Luke can see both of us.” Luke can hear Calum huff and mutter under his breath, knows he’s gone to get it so he cuts off the video and waits for them to call him back.

“Hey guys,”

“Lukey! How’s New Zealand? I mean apart from what you’ve already told us,” Calum questions, and watching him eat a bowl of cereal reminds him of how hungry he is.

“It’s so cool. It’s really similar but at the same time so different to Sydney. Wish you were here to see it too.”

“So do we.”

“I really do miss you, you know.” Luke doesn't want them to think he doesn't, because he does. Especially after last night, he's reminded of how lucky he is to have the friends he does.

“We do. Don’t worry about that.”

“I know, it's like, I love it, but it’s not home you know? I miss the familiarity. Feel like a stranger or lost or both every where I go.”

“It’ll be worth it though. You sound a lot brighter already.” Luke shrugs and tucks in on himself a bit more. He does feel it but at the same time he doesn’t. He moves on before he thinks too hard about the reason why.

“I went to this really cool music thing last night.”

“Shit really? What was it?”

“It was like this underground gig with a couple of bands playing. Was really cool, this guy called Alex invited me and his friends were, they were all, great.”

“Friends, eh?” And Luke doesn't know whether they catch something in his voice that gives him away or if they just know him too well.

“Hot friends?”

“Guys. Do you ever chill?” They furiously shake their heads, laughing gently.

“Nope. Tell us Luke, any friends catch your eye?”

“No.”

“Luke.”

“There’s nothing going on.” There’s a finality to Luke’s voice he knows his friends pick up on, but they’ve never been ones to back down from a thorough questioning, especially to Luke. He knows they’ll start up again in approximately 6 minutes.

He’s not wrong, because after they’ve both filled him in on their schedules and lives at home, Michael tries to be sly and coax an answer out of Luke again. It’s clear to Luke that sometimes he forgets how long they’ve known each other.

“So, why won’t you tell us about whoever this guy is.”

“How can you be so positive that there is a guy?”

“So there is?” Luke genuinely can't win.

“No, it was just a question! I haven’t even said anything of the sort.”

“Hesitation Luke, you only hesitate when you’re keeping secrets or lying. Both of which we suspect you’re doing right now.”

“Seriously, guys. I’d tell you if there was. I’d have given up by now.” Michael narrows his eyes in contemplation.

“Promise you’ll tell us if you get laid?”

Luke wants to scream because what the fuck? “Michael, what are the chances?”

“Don't behave like it's not your kinda thing.” And Luke can't deny it, because he's shy and he's a little awkward but he has had his fair share of flings.

“Please shut up.”

“Promise Luke!” Calum yells and they all break out into giggles.

“I promise.”

“Okay, well we have to go now,” Michael cuts in, shuffling around. “I’m going to work and I don’t want you to Skype without me, so bye.”

“Hey,” Luke and Calum state at the same time, but it cuts off before he can get another word in. Michael’s always been a jealous boy but Luke's too fond to care, and it makes him forget about boys with curly hair.

Luke spends the rest of his day eating all the food in Isa’s fridge and watching silly rom-com’s. He tells himself that this is the good movie love and treatment he deserves, not the attitude of a boy who thinks he holds the world and never says Luke goodbye.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm cashtens on tumblr and I love you all so follow me :)


	8. Seven: The dangerous tricks.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this has taken so long! Excuses but, my laptop breathed it's last breath and everything fic related has been lost including the entire plot for this and the second part of my Cashton! So I was a little disheartened because now I have to kind of plan everything from scratch but I'm on break from uni so I'm going to get as much out as I can! Thank you for being so patient <3 ngl I didn't proof read at all I'm really sorry
> 
> Things are finally starting to pick up in this!

_And the dangerous tricks  
People play on the eyes of the innocent_

The next few days aren't spent moping, Luke will insist, but he does spend them alone. It's not that he doesn't want to see anyone, but he feels like he needs to be on his own for a while, reminds himself that's why he came out to New Zealand in the first place. He wills himself to believe that he's not in a bad mood. This is him reflecting on his trip in general so far, and not specifics like situations or _people_. 

Sometimes he takes the bus into town to grab some coffee or new music from John then goes back home, just to get some air in his lungs. He finds himself making small talk with strangers he meets on his journeys. It's nice; he doesn't feel any obligation to be anything but himself with the knowledge he'll never see them again. 

The strangest thing Luke finds is that he's picked up a habit of video recording himself. He writes songs about feeling far away from home, and feeling further away from things within reach; he records little 30 second voice clips and sends them to Michael and Calum but deletes their replies. After a few days, he gets the idea of sending a video, and sends his two friends one over Skype. This time, he reads their messages of encouragement and praise, blushes even though they aren't there. After another two videos, they send their own reply, Calum adding gravely bassline and Michael singing pretty harmonies. It makes Luke feel productive for the first time in a while. 

As the days pass Luke feels more and more relaxed, the air around him gets lighter and he finds himself coming out of whatever funk he's put himself in. He starts answering everyone's texts and messages immediately rather than hours later, and finds himself making plans to meet Alex for a drink later that evening. He's feeling good and the buzzing under his skin has disappeared again. 

This time, Luke doesn't drive. He gets the bus in, much more familiar with his surroundings after a week in Auckland, and he gets to the little bar they’re meeting at in the middle of town with time to spare. He orders two beers, figures it can sit while he waits for Alex who comes in no more than a few minutes later. He spots the blonde right away, eyes lighting up as he sees there’s a beer already waiting for him.

“A man after my own heart.” Alex smiles and brushes dark hair from his eyes. Luke spots the dark rose on his hand again; he’d almost forgotten Alex was taken, but he smiles back anyway. He feels at ease with Alex, already sinking further into his chair.

The two spend time catching up on the last few days. Alex has been doing a few songs everyday at different open mics across the city, and although he had invited Luke to one he had declined. Luke kind of wishes he hadn’t now, would love to see Alex playing because he already knows how talented he must be.

“I promise I’ll invite you to the next one. I reckon it’ll be in the next few days.”

“I’m holding you to it!” Luke says, finishing the last of his beer. Alex gets the next rounds, and there’s a lull in conversation as they play around with their phones and don’t discuss anything in particular.

“So.” Alex starts, and he shifts in his seat. Luke thinks he’s almost nervous. “Ashton asked about you.” And the blonde scrunches his face in confusion because _what?_ He doesn’t really know how to reply so he lets his silence cue Alex to continue.

“Well, he asked if ‘anyone else is coming’ last night, and even from that I knew he was talking about you? He was being so shifty. So I kind of tried to prompt him and he asked if ‘my friend’ was coming. Which was obviously you. Anyone else he could have like, asked himself.”

“What?” Luke says again because there’s no sense to what he’s saying. “How was that me Alex? He could have been talking about anyone?” 

“It was definitely you.” But Luke doesn’t want to get his hopes up, because even if Ashton was asking about him, referring to Luke as Alex’s ‘friend’ was not cool; he definitely knew Luke’s name. 

“I don’t know, like, how do you know?.”

“Luke, I asked if he meant you and he said yes.” Luke knows he still doesn’t look convinced. “I said your name Luke. You’re the only Luke. It was you.”

“But why would he ask about me? To be a prick a little bit more?” He couldn’t have sounded anymore pathetic, and Luke knows all he needed to do was cross his arms and stamp his foot to complete the petulant child look.

Alex looks regretful. “Luke I asked if anyone was giving you grief-”

“He wasn’t giving me grief. He just wasn’t as nice as the rest of you.” Luke shrugs, and tries to sit up so he doesn’t look as baffled as he feels. Ashton asking if he was coming doesn’t make any sense to him. They sit in a silence for a while before Alex speaks. Luke wishes he didn’t.

“Don’t quote me on this, but I think he’s got a thing for you.” And Luke snorts because he’s never heard anything more absurd.

“Alex-”

“I do.”

“Alex, I don’t need this.” And Luke means for it to sound like a joke, but the moment he’s spoken he knows he’s let it slip in his voice that this is serious.

“Luke, it’s not a bi-”

“Don’t tell me it’s not a big deal Alex cause it is. It’s massive.” He doesn’t care anymore about putting up front. He’s not putting his heart on his sleeve, he’s been that guy too many times, and he’s certainly not doing it for Ashton. The guy has just about made eye contact with him.

“Why?”

“I just don’t like getting my hopes up.” Luke doesn't say anything else, though Alex knows there's a lot more to it. Alex debates his reply in his head for a while; Luke can see the number of times he’s about to speak but decides against it.

“You got a thing for him too?” Luke doesn’t even bother trying to cover up.

“Isn’t it obvious?”

Alex shrugs. “Maybe I’m just oblivious.”

“Well I don’t have a chance so I’d rather not get the thought into my head.” Alex pulls on Luke’s shoulder to bring him closer, shakes his head when they make eye contact.

“Of course you have a chance Luke, don’t be fucking stupid.” Luke thinks he’s a bit too in his head at that moment to find it in himself to blush.

“Have you seen him?”

“Have you seen you?” This time Luke blushes, hard, and Alex laughs gently in a way Luke knows is fond, so he’s not offended. He waves his arms around, trying to find the right words.

“I’m just saying, I don’t want to be dismissed. The first time I met him he was exactly the same.”

“Shit, you’ve met before?” And of course Alex doesn’t know, Luke never told him.

“Yeah. I teach his little brother guitar. Came by to pick him up and just, I don’t know, flat out ignored me.”

“Okay, I guess that explains some.” Alex nods, continues to pull on Luke arms and tug at his sleeve. “Still though, he wouldn’t have asked about you if he wasn’t at least interested in being friends. I know he hasn’t shown this while you’re around but I can promise you Luke he’s a good guy.”

“He’s a good guy to you.” The blonde retorts, and tries to brush it off by sipping his beer. Alex looks soft when he looks back over to him, and Luke sinks in on himself. There’s no point putting up anything with Alex.

“Give him the benefit of the doubt.”

“I don’t know Alex. I think I’d rather just stay away from him.” And it’s true. Over the last few days Luke’s spent on his own, he’s decided that maybe it’s best to just keep clear of Ashton if he can. Even if they’re in the same group of friends that doesn’t necessarily mean they have to be friends too. Luke knows a lot of people that work the same way.

“If he picks up Harry again, just be like hey I heard you were at the open mic thing, how was it. And see if he’s anymore responsive. Maybe him asking about you shows he’s had a change of heart, okay?”

“Okay.” They share a smile, and Luke looks down but he knows Alex is still looking at him.

“Did you know he plays drums?” And Luke looks up, eyebrows raised in surprise because no he didn’t?

“No? I knew he wanted to be in a band but that’s about it.” The more he thinks about it the more it makes sense, of course he plays an instrument. He realises he can’t imagine Ashton anywhere else but behind a drum kit.

“Yeah, he’s a drummer. He hasn’t been in the city for very long, lived in Australia for ages like you. But he’s built serious cred around here since. He’s incredible.” 

“Oh.” And fuck, if Luke doesn’t think he’s 500 times hotter.

“Yeah. Maybe ask about that too.” And Alex doesn’t mention it again. They get another two rounds of beers in, it’s a Sunday evening and they don’t have much else to do.

The rest of the time they spend together is light hearted and full of laughter, and Luke is happy their conversation didn’t ruin the mood even a little bit. If anything, it made him relax even more knowing Alex has got his back already. 

The bus ride home is quiet so the buzz in his head is welcomed, makes him feel a little less alone. And when Luke gets back to be greeted with the sound of squealing, it's so high and shocked that he immediately thinks something is wrong. He doesn't hear the excited, complete tone that lies underneath Isa’s cries. So if he doesn't control when his face falls as he's met with an intricate ink covered arm that's thrust between his eyebrows, Luke thinks he should be let off. 

“I have my imprint!” She shrieks, like Luke maybe missed it, and he has to do everything he can to not roll his eyes because he knows his expression is probably a little sour already. He doesn't even know why he feels like this, fire running under his skin, she's _family_.

“I can see.” Luke's voice is strained, and her face drops a bit like she’s finally noticed his own expression. He feels like a dick, because he can't ruin this for her, not the most important day of her life. This is her soulmate. “I’m sorry, I'm just tired, honestly I'm so happy for you Isa. For you both.” The whole time he avoids eye contact but he pulls her in by her shoulders and kisses her cheek. Despite whether or not he's tired of the whole soulmate thing, tired of watching everyone else find happiness, she's happy and she's done so much for Luke. He’ll be the happiest he can be for her in return. 

Luke refuses to take that happiness away by being sour or even jealous, he doesn’t want to be that guy. Isa’s had to wait a lot longer than most to find her soulmate, but now she’s found hers it’s clearly been worth it as he sees the sparkle in her eyes. Why can’t he wait for his? So he shakes hands with Spencer after he’s let Isa go, makes a joke or two because he doesn't get on too badly with him and knows he’s good for her. He stays when they ask him to share a glass or two of bubbly with them. 

In hopes they don't notice his dampened mood, he tries to drink slowly when in truth all he wants to do is knock them both back. He still ends up drinking too fast though, and after the third glass he’s offered he retreats to his safety in the beach house. On top of the drinks he’s already had, Luke is definitely on his way to being drunk, and seeing the two so wrapped up in each other is going to make him sick if he watches anymore.

He takes his clothes off and crawls into bed, buries his face in the pillow. He already knows what he’s going to dream about before sleep takes over, but he figures the dreams are no worse than being awake. Even then, he goes to bed with the knowledge that tomorrow might be a good day; Harry’s coming for his second lesson and Luke drifts to sleep with hopes to see the curly blonde boy again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Follow me on tumblr (cashtens) <3


	9. Eight: Keep you far away from me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hopefully have another up in the next day or two cause uni is over <3

_And I found myself reminded  
To keep you far away from me_

It’s 4pm on the dot when Ashton appears at the sliding door of the garden to pick up Harry. Luke doesn’t think about why he’s so efficient, tries to convince himself it’s because he’s eager to leave rather than anything silly and implausible like he’s eager to see _him_. This time, Harry carries his guitar in without Luke asking, immediately racing into conversation with Ashton who talks back just as animatedly, and Luke doesn’t think he’s seen anyone who is as good with their younger sibling as Ashton is with Harry. He doesn’t interrupt their conversation, waits for it to lull as he follows a few steps behind.

“Hey Luke, where should I put this guitar?”

“Um, just lie it on the sofa, thanks Harry.” He beams like Luke complimented him, and Luke’s so fond of Harry already because he’s so smart for his age but he’s so talented too. “You did great this week Harry, nice to see that you’ve been practicing.”

“Yeah, Ashton helped me out loads. He can’t play guitar that well but he listened and told me when it sounded wrong and stuff.”

“That’s nice of him.” Luke says, and for the first time since he walked into sight Luke looks the golden boy dead in the eye. “It’s good of you to do that, it does help.” He hates how his heart is racing so hard because of stupid eye contact and looks away to place the guitar on the couch, pretends to look busy to buy some time to steady his breathing. He doesn’t know why he spoke in the first place, of course Ashton isn’t going to reply.

“Yeah.” Harry says again, like he’s just caught onto what Luke said. “He plays drums. Don’t you Ash?” He pulls on the hem of the overly shredded Nirvana shirt Ashton is sporting, and Luke hears one of the holes tear further. He wants to look and see if there’s a larger patch of skin now on show but he keeps his eyes trained on the guitars, hoping he doesn’t look like he’s waiting for a reply when he really is.

“Yes I do, Harry.” Luke thinks it’s impossible to feel anymore ignored. “We have to go now, I’ve got things to do.”

“Oh yeah! You’ve got that gig! Invite Luke, Ash he should see how good you are!”

“Um!” Luke squeaks, because he’s mortified that Ashton’s little brother is trying to instigate friendship for him. Is he that much of a loser? “That’s okay Harry. I’m sure I’ll see him some other time.” Luke hopes it sounds nonchalant, but at this point his face is red raw and he doesn’t think anything he squeaks out can sound nonchalant.

“Right.” Ashton says, tone flat but amused. There’s a slightly long silence that follows, and when Luke looks up Ashton’s giving him these eyes that he can’t quite read. It changes quickly the longer they make eye contact, and Luke can see now it’s a look laced with _pity_. Luke doesn’t need Ashton looking at him like he’s pathetic, thank you, and he’s had enough.

“Well, like you said you’ve got things to do.” And even Luke is surprised by the malicious tone that lies underneath his own voice. Ashton’s face drops a little, surprised, and Luke thinks he’s feeling something a little like victory. “I’m going to go now. You can leave when you’re ready.”

“Wait.” And Luke doesn’t possibly know what Ashton needs to say now that he couldn’t have said before, but he looks at him anyway to continue.

“I’ve got a gig tonight. Come.”

“Um.” Luke is speechless and more than a little apprehensive; he doesn’t know what’s changed Ashton’s mind.

“You haven’t got anything else to do.” And Luke wouldn’t have been that offended if Ashton didn’t sound so sure, so positive that Luke would be alone.

“I might.” He knows he sounds petulant but he’d sound even more lame if he’d just agreed. Ashton gives him this fixed look like he knows that Luke is talking trash, and he smiles a little knowingly. Luke can feel his body heat up more and more every second.

“Well, when you decide you don’t have any plans, come down. I know you liked the other gig so you’ll definitely like this.” If Luke was angry before he’s absolutely seething now, and he doesn’t even get another chance to get a word in before Ashton steers Harry out the room and house. Luke can’t believe how arrogant Ashton is, how positively sure he is that he knows Luke when they haven’t even held proper conversation before.

He’s pacing the house half an hour later, still completely baffled that someone can have such an unattractive personality, when he gets a text from Alex.

_**Alex** – Ash said ur coming tonight? Are u going to hook up? _

_**Alex** – Sorry didn’t think that thru before I sent_

_**Alex** – But we’re picking u up at 6.30! B ready!_

Luke throws his phone across the room, purposefully soft to land on his bed but enough to let his anger out. Ashton is successfully ruining his day. Instead of replying, Luke goes back across into the house and attempts to distract himself by making some lunch. He refuses to get anymore worked up about this, and he certainly isn’t going anywhere tonight.

\---

Alex Gaskarth is a bully. Luke is nothing but sure of that as he sits in the back of the car, hair pushed back into his snapback and sulky glare on his face. Alex wasted no time forcing Luke into clean clothes when he saw over an hour later that Luke had come to the front door in nothing but pyjama bottoms. He’d only rolled him eyes, let Luke direct him through the garden to his room and fought him until he’d thrown on a white top with black long sleeves, and his usual black jeans torn at the knees. Lacing up his converse as slow as he could, Alex pushed Luke off the bed in annoyance.

“Stop being annoying, hurry up!”

“What’s the rush?”

“Don’t you want to catch Ash play? He’s one of the first acts!” Luke tries to hide his scoff under a cough but Alex clearly notices. The blonde boy shrugs, unsure of what to say.

“Not really.”

“He invited you though. I thought things went well?”

“No he didn’t, and no it didn’t.”

“What?” Alex is momentarily confused, sits down beside Luke and the younger boy sinks further into himself.

“He doesn’t want me there, I don’t know why he told you to invite me.”

The older boy is clearly starting to get exasperated at this point, and Luke can feel the tingle under his skin start to return. “Of course he wants you there otherwise he wouldn’t have begged me to make you to come.”

“He didn’t beg.”

“It was begging Luke.”

Luke stands up, suddenly detesting the thought of being still. He picks up his wallet and phone from the desk and starts pacing the room, looking for something to do. “Well he hasn’t really earned my presence.”

“Earned?” It’s obvious they’re both more than a little done with this conversation, and Luke tries to shut it down. He doesn’t want Alex to know that yet again Ashton has got under his skin.

“It doesn’t matter.”

“It does matter Luke, I can’t read into your cryptic shit. You gotta tell me what’s wrong.”

Luke sighs, sad that Alex has barely known him a week and has already seen him so flustered and agitated. Over a _boy_. “He was just, a bit of a dick earlier that’s all.” Luke hates that he sounds so whiny.

“I don’t know why he’s being like th-”

“Yes. I know Alex, he’s a ‘really nice guy’ I should ‘give him a chance’.” Alex shrugs, because Luke knew that was exactly what he was going to say. “Well I tried to give him the benefit of the doubt earlier and he threw it in my face, so.”

“Look, I don’t want to force you to come if you don’t want to. But it’d be cool if you were there. If not for Ash for me. There’s going to be hundreds of people there you don’t even have to talk to him if you don’t want to.”

And that’s how Luke finds himself glowering at the back of Alex’s head as they drive out of Luke’s front drive and towards the beach. In the car with them is a loud, loud boy who Luke has definitely never met before.

“Luke! Hi Luke. I’ve heard about you!” The boy says as he drives, a little too recklessly for Luke, but he smiles in reply anyway.

“Good things I hope.” Alex turns around from the front and Luke blushes under the attention as he reaches to shake his shoulder.

“Always, Lucas!”

“I’m Jack. I know Alex probably hasn’t told you about me but he’s still in denial so.” 

“Shut up Jack.”

“Denial?” And it’s only then that he notices the soulmate mark on Jack’s hand, trailing up underneath his short sleeve, almost identical to Alex’s. His eyebrows shoot up underneath his snapback because, oh, that was unexpected.

“I’m not in denial Jack. You need to stop telling everyone this story.”

“Well they’re eventually going to wonder when they notice we have matching imprints and when they see the way you can’t keep your hands off me.”

“You wish Barakat.”

“It’s true! Little Luke,” Jack starts, turns to face him even though he’s driving and what the fuck, Luke doesn’t appreciate that at all. He turns back around when Alex flicks his ear as he pulls up to a red light. “You see, Alex and I go way back. We’re travelling together you see. I bet he didn’t tell you that.” Luke knows Alex wasn’t travelling alone but he hadn’t met anyone who he was travelling with, and now that he thinks about it doesn’t know how he never realised how weird that was.

“I did mention you. In passing,” and Alex has the decency to look a little shy.

“Well, he’s my best friend. I’m his best friend. Best buds since we were in high school. But you know, soulmate marks kind of made things a lil awkward. So by default of course Alex stopped talking to me.”

“I didn’t stop talking to you I just needed space, you’re such a drama queen.”

“Gotta dramatise the story Alex! What’s the point? Anyway, well we were still travelling together but obviously Alex found new friends who he thought were cooler than me, and we did our own thing for a bit. I mean, we still spoke every day and saw each other all the time but for three weeks he was basically avoiding me. Sleeping on their couches and I was just the lonely boy-“ Alex smacks Jack and rolls his eyes, but it’s fond. Luke’s seen that look before. On Calum, on Michael, on his _mum_. It makes his stomach turn a little.

“Basically, we’re friends again and all is good between us but I think it’s best if we stay friends. The end.” Alex finishes the story as the pull up to a beach Luke’s never been to before, beautiful with white sand and clear water, but Luke doesn’t notice because they’ve told him such a personal, potentially heartbreaking story like a children’s rhyme. Jack is pulling Alex into a headlock and it’s comfortable, easy despite the situation. Luke is so confused as to how they’re _okay_.

He wouldn’t be.

“That’s it?” He asks, because he definitely needs clarification. “You’re each other’s soulmates but you’re just going to be friends?”

“Yup. It’s not a big deal, Luke.” Alex says, and it’s gentle but Luke feels a bit scolded. 

“Well I’m still trying to get Alex to give it a shot but he thinks I just want to sleep with him.” Jack laughs, and Luke joins in but he can hear it’s stilted.

“You do. You’ve been asking for years Jack, long before this.”

“Well it’s obviously a sign.”

Alex ignores his best friend and continues, opening the car door. “Jack and I go too far back for this to be a thing to break us apart, you know? He’s my best bud. Trust him with my life.”

“Aww.” Jack says, tries to grab at Alex who flings himself out the car before he gets a chance.

“Anyway! Let’s go have a party.” He follows silently behind the two who are bickering like they’re in love, and Luke thinks it’s stupid. He’s too busy thinking about the ‘just-friends-with-your-soulmate’ situation to even think about why he’s there in the first place.

Minutes later, drink in hand he’s slapped with a reminder when he sees even from metres away familiar curly hair walk on stage, twirling a stick over his fingers.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ngl this was not what I had planned but I saw the sweetest jalex post on tumblr and so I had to! But I just wanted them to be buds idk I hope it was okay 
> 
> alsooo i'm cashtens on tumblr :)


	10. Nine: Nothing is better than you.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've been trying to write this forever? I've decided what I'm doing with the rest of this because I want to round it up soon, I'm not sure when I'll update next because I have exams but I hope you like it<3

_'Cause I can't face the fact  
That nothing is better than you_

Luke is not drunk. 

He will tell you like he’s told his friends multiple times over slurred words, “I am not drunk, just having a good time, thank you”, and in his attempt to sound sober and polite Luke only manages to sound ridiculous. Alex and Jack laugh at him repeatedly in their own drunken state; Luke doesn’t mind.

What Luke minds is that from the moment Ashton stepped into the stage, his entire resolve for the boy collapsed. Everything he’d told himself - Ashton wasn’t worth it, his feelings for the boy were non-existent - completely caved in at the sight of the boy sitting behind his drum kit. Luke doesn’t even want to remember how he felt when Ashton actually started playing. He hopes the alcohol completely erases that part of his memory.

There’s a point at which he literally couldn’t bear to watch anymore, and Luke’s not even sure what kind of frustration he’s feeling anymore. That was the point he had dragged the two boys to the little hut on the beach serving drinks. It had taken no longer than half an hour for Luke to be heading towards his current state. He wasn’t entirely sure what he had been drinking, but it didn’t matter anymore because Luke is living his life, and now that they’d met up with all of the guys from the gig last week, Luke feels a lot less uneasy than he did before.

They watch a couple more bands from where they are seated towards the shore of the beach, clutching at beers and bottles of liquor, and they all talk animatedly watching the sunset. Luke finds himself getting along ridiculously well with a soft brown haired boy named Will, who he had only met briefly before. He seemed quiet, similar to Luke in a lot of aspects. Luke wishes he was a bit more sober so that they could hold better conversation than his constant response of throaty laughter, but the other boy is barely in better shape and Luke could get used to this.

That completely goes to shit when he hears a voice, too familiar even in his state, and his entire body goes rigid. Will notices, cracks a lopsided confused smile at him, but Luke just looks out into the oceans they’re sat next to in attempt to seem nonchalant. He knows it does work.

When he feels a body flop down beside him with little grace, golden curls in the corner of his eye, what Luke really wants to do is roll his eyes and move away. But what he does instead, probably alcohol induced, is look directly at the culprit with worried eyes, biting at his lip ring. Will clearly notices something in the air because he rolls onto his stomach, away from the two boys and Luke feels a bit betrayed. 

Even though they’re sitting next to the group Luke still somehow feels secluded, and it’s definitely been at least a minute of intense staring before Ashton smiles. It’s gentle, a smile that Luke’s never received from the boy before and he cannot deny he’s smitten. He’s confused, but he’s still more smitten and Luke knows in the back of his mind that’s only a recipe for something bad.

“You came” is all Ashton says, and Luke finds himself shuffling closer. The boy smiles more, and it’s beautifully lopsided in a way Will’s paled in comparison to. It’s only now looking harder that Luke realises Ashton’s drunk too, his pupils are wide despite the sun still peaking over the horizon, and he’s kind of glazed over and soft in a way Luke finds he really, really likes.

“Well, Alex didn’t really give me a choice.” Luke means for it to sound smartass, but it comes out a little helpless sounding and Ashton lets out a chuckle.

“Yeah, told him to make sure you came.”

“Why’d you do that?”

“Cause, I wanted you here.” Luke hopes the look on his face is as cheeky and disbelieving as he needs it to be.

“Did you?”

“Yeah. You don’t believe me?” Biting his lip again, Luke looks away to fight the warmth spreading through his body.

“Not really, no.”

“Why?” The younger boy doesn’t really know how to answer the question without sounding like a loser, so he tries to divert.

“You were pretty good up there.” Ashton’s mouth twitches in a way that tells Luke’s he’s noticed the diversion but won’t say anything. Luke’s more than a little grateful.

“Only pretty good?”

“Well you were amazing but I can’t tell you that.” Luke doesn’t know where his ability to flirt with Ashton has suddenly appeared from, and the other boy looks just as surprised as Luke feels.

“You can tell me that.” Luke blushes and the other boy plays with the sand between his fingers, and Luke thinks he sees a blush spread from his neck but he says nothing. “Thanks, though. I’m happy you were here to see it.” There’s a lull in conversation, more because Luke doesn’t know how to reply to that. The tide is getting a little stronger and that fills up the empty space in a way Luke finds comforting. The younger boy is picking at the hole in his knee, trying not to let himself blush over the situation of Ashton actually talking, FLIRTING with him, because he doesn’t know what the hell this means and he can’t get his hopes up.

“Going to take a walk down the shore and stuff. It’s pretty loud here.” Luke tries not to look disappointed when Ashton gets up and brushes himself off, looks away at the sea surrounding them.

“Okay.”

“I want you to come with, silly.” And Ashton giggles, this high frequency _schoolgirl_ thing that has Luke wailing inside with fondness, and he lets himself take the hand that Ashton offers. He ignores the fact Ashton squeezes his hand softly before he lets go.

“Okay.” He repeats, follows the boy away from the curious gazes they leave behind.

\---

Funnily enough Luke finds himself telling Ashton about his life back home in Sydney. The waves and the alcohol calm him, and give him the little push he needs to feel confident enough to tell the older boy about his fiery need to get out of his town. He doesn’t go into the soulmate thing, but he tells Ashton even more than he told Alex, and Luke thinks he’s going to get whiplash from the back and forth feelings the curly haired boy is throwing at him.

Ashton asks him questions, pries in a way that isn’t intrusive and questions him about Michael and Calum, his family, and other little things Luke wouldn’t have thought in a million years Ashton would be interested in. Luke knows not to get his hopes up, as Ashton is probably only being nice because Alex mentioned something or the alcohol in his veins as tripped something in his brain. But Luke relishes in the whole thing, Ashton being so nice and humming interestedly, and Luke feels like this is how it was supposed to be from the start with him and Ashton bonding rapidly.

Before they know it, they’ve reached the end of the stretch of beach, and Luke realises he’s spent a solid half an hour talking about himself, silly things he’s done that makes Ashton giggle for minutes straight. He loves it, loves the sound and wants to hear it forever. 

The conversation lulls, and he blushes because Ashton hasn’t really said much about himself apart from an odd fact here and there. But Luke doesn’t want to force anything, so he lets the air between them go quiet as they stroll back towards the crowd. 

Their hands brush constantly, and after a while Ashton grabs Luke’s pinky with his own, swings their hands for a couple of seconds before he lets go. The moment is quick, but it makes Luke’s insides turn for long after. The older boy smiles at Luke, moves closer to the water and lets the tide roll over his feet. He looks like he wants to say something but Luke stays quiet, watches the last of the sun disappear. The lights of the stage are bright now, leading the way back for the two boys and the smaller fairy lights remind Luke of fireflies in the summer.

“I think I know what you mean about the whole getting out thing.” Luke looks at the speaking boy, willing him to continue. “I don’t know, I moved to New Zealand with my mum and siblings because Australia kind of held bad memories for us,” he shrugs like it isn’t important but Luke can tell, even through his still slurred words that it is. “But there’s nothing keeping me here you know? I still feel like Australia is home. I feel like I’m going to find what I need there.”

There’s something about the way he says it that makes Luke really look at the other boy, and Ashton’s eyes look brown in the dark of the beach but are sparkling in a way Luke has to look away from. He doesn’t know what Ashton means, doesn’t want to start taking hints that might not exist. Luke’s starting to sober up, and despite the perfect hour they’ve spent together he feels like he can’t forget that Ashton’s been nothing like this prior today, and that their interaction shouldn’t change anything.

Luke knows it’s changed everything.

“What about your friends? Family? And drumming?” He questions, looking back at the lights growing closer. He can hear the music clearly now, can make out each word and he hates that their time is about to end.

“I can always visit them. And I can drum back in Australia. There’s nothing I have here that I can’t take with me. I feel kind of pointless here sometimes.” And Luke nods because he gets it, of course he gets it because he knows what it’s like to look for something. He looks down at their brushing hands again, looks at the plainness of their skin lacking their imprint marks and closes his eyes because he really doesn’t need to start thinking, _hoping_ for something. He can feel himself rapidly approaching sobriety and Luke is definitely getting another drink, there’s no way he’s going to bed tonight without being completely smashed.

“I understand.” He says, feeling like he needs to fill in the silence, and Ashton turns to him with a pointed smile that’s grateful but sad.

“Hey, look, Luke. Give me your phone.” And Luke does, not questioning a thing until he sees the boy putting in a number and saving it.

“If you need to talk or want to hang out or anything.” Luke knows his facial expression must be completely disbelieving, even more so than earlier when Ashton first spoke to him.

“Oh.”

“Look I’m s-” Luke knows Ashton is about to apologise, he’s positive of it, but someone calls out his name and Ashton stops, realising they’ve reached the group. Luke watches right before his eyes something flicker in Ashton’s face, and it’s as if any pretence is gone because Ashton turns right around, calls out to the voice that he’ll be right there. He looks back at Luke, no smile, no brush of their hands, and follows the voice away from Luke. The blonde boy narrows his eyes, completely bewildered because what the fuck? He feels like any semblance of their short time together has been shattered, and Luke’s not even sure it really happened anymore. Maybe he was just so drunk he imagined the whole thing.

He knows he didn’t, because he can still feel where Ashton’s hand brushed his the entire time, and Luke’s not sure if he’s about to be sick from the alcohol or the feeling of humiliation that’s filling him up. He knows there’s nothing to feel ashamed about, no one is looking at him, no one knows that they’ve somewhat poured their hearts out to each other, but Ashton knows and that’s enough. He sits down in space next to Alex, snatches his drink and downs it before he lets his head rest in the crook of his neck. No one asks any questions and Luke’s more than grateful.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [cashtens](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/) is my tumblr if you want to talk about anything! thank you for all the kudos and comments so far i appreciate it, and pls subscribe :)


	11. Ten; You were mine for a night.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know a lot of you have been asking for this and I've been saying I'll have to done soon but it kind of took me forever to write :( I don't want to keep making promises so updates will be a bit sporadic while I write my exams <3 Doesn't mean I won't update at all I just don't know when! Enjoy though, ily all :) 
> 
> Also I didn't proof read at all so all mistakes are mine :)

_You were mine for a night  
I don't know how to say goodbye_

It’s a nearly a week of endless contemplation before Luke plucks up the courage to message Ashton. It only consists of a _hey ash, it’s luke :) how’s it going?_ , and even then Luke deliberated, wondering to himself ‘should he take out the question? But then what if Ashton doesn’t think it’s worth the reply without it? Is the smiley face too much?’ His thumb circles the send button for several minutes, lips pouted. He hates himself for making this such a bit deal but he can’t help it, can’t help the flutter in his heart when he sees the name at the top of the screen.

It had taken a Luke a few days to quiet the rage inside his heart at Ashton, because that’s what it was now, just _anger_. He couldn’t believe Ashton could be so easily insincere. He’d made no effort to talk to Luke again that night, even after he had returned from wherever it was he and his friends went, and Luke made it is job to bury himself further and further into Alex until the boy decided it was time for him to go home. At this point Luke was potentially more drunk than before, and Alex hastily called Luke a cab to take him home. He isn’t particularly sure how he made it into the house but he knows that when he woke up he was on the couch in the main house, didn’t even manage to make it to his bed. 

When he’d finally dragged himself across the yard and into his room, the feeling of complete fury with Ashton took over, almost enough the dull the throbbing in his head. Luke felt like at that particular moment he could blame everything on Ashton. His aching head as well as his aching heart. He was so sick of Ashton and the games he was trying to play, because more than anything it wasn’t _fair._ Luke had done nothing to deserve it, and he’d had more than enough.

It took a few days of angry song writing and coffee dates with some of the boys including Jack and Alex to relieve the tingling sensation under his skin. Once it had disappeared, Luke could finally see that his feelings were welcomed but unnecessary; Ashton was just a guy. A beautiful, talented and charming guy but just a guy all the same. Luke could want more but he couldn’t _expect_ it.

Despite this Luke can’t stop thinking about it, can’t stop thinking about their brushing hands and soft smiles and whispered words, and he wants it still, wants more. He knows it’s only going to make things worse even if Ashton does reply to the text, because at some point in time Ashton is going to decide _again_ that he’s tired of Luke, and that Luke’s not really worth it. And it’s kind of sad for Luke, more because he knows this but is still willing to try. He doesn’t know when it became okay.

Luke occupies himself with dinner and watching a few movies in the lounge area of the beach house, tries to ignore the fact that one, two, _five_ hours pass since he sent the text. He tries to tell himself that it doesn’t mean anything; there’s no way Luke can know what Ashton is doing. He could be asleep, he could be out with friends. Luke can’t really expect an instant reply. But nothing Luke does seems to really take his mind away, so he figures that maybe a call to Calum and Michael will do the trick.

He heads to his room and grabs his laptop to Skype call Michael who answered almost immediately. Michael’s already talking before Luke’s situated himself on the bed and turned the bedside lamp on. He’s barely illuminated but he knows Michael doesn’t really need to see him to talk.

“Luke you dick it’s been like 4 days! You could have died! How would we know?”

“Michael, I’m not dead.”

“Yeah but it’s been radio silence, and I can’t remember the last time I hadn’t heard from you in this long.” Luke blushes slightly, tries to ignore that he’s happy Michael was worried about him.

“Sorry Mike.”

“It’s okay.”

“Where’s Calum?” It’s only now that Luke’s noticed that Calum isn’t there as he would usually be, and for a split second Luke’s worried they’ve had a spat again.

“He’s at home, he’s got training for a potential new job tomorrow!” And Luke almost has to look away because Michael looks so damn fond, so proud, and Luke feels a little queasy watching it. He also feels really bad because how did he not know about Calum applying for a new job? He’s so out of the loop, and for a while he’d forgotten that life in Sydney is continuing without him.

“Fuck, that’s amazing.”

“Yeah, he’s really excited. It’s at this huge gym centre thing in town, he seems to love it so.” Michael nods, then yawns, and Luke forgot how late it actually is even though Michael never sleeps.

“What’s up though? You must have been occupied these last few days if you haven’t so much as text? What’s New Zealand got that we don’t?” Michael laughs a bit, and Luke would join but the question Michael asked seems to have hit a nerve in Luke. 

“Luke? What aren’t you telling me?” Luke sighs. He wants to talk about it but he can’t get the right words out, and he doesn’t want to sound like an idiot to Michael. Calum maybe, but not to Michael because while he’s always willing to comfort Luke he’s blunt and straightforward in the way that Calum is logical but gentle, and Luke doesn’t think he can handle Michael’s sharp words right now.

“I- it’s nothing.”

“It’s not nothing. Just because we let you get away with it last time doesn’t mean it’ll happen again. Calum will let that stuff slide but I won’t Luke, cause I know how you get when you keep things to yourself. You don’t send texts and you sit on your own and write lame songs.” That encourages a laugh out of the both of them, and Luke sighs as he makes himself more comfortable on his bed.

“Is it this boy?”

“Why are you so convinced there’s a boy?”

“Because you didn’t do a good job last time of convincing Calum and I that there wasn’t.” Luke doesn’t see much of a point in lying anymore.

“There is a boy.”

“Ha! I knew it! Calum is going to lose his shit!”

“Mikey.” Michael stops and lets go of his phone that he was seconds away from texting Calum with; maybe he hears that tone Luke gets in his voice, the one when he’s vibrating under his skin with a desperate kind of feeling, and Michael just waits for Luke to start.

“I- His name is Ashton.” Michael nods, knows this isn’t the time to interrupt. “He’s really fucking pretty. I’ve never seen anyone like him before. He’s got this smile for days and these hazel eyes that change colour depending on the time of day, and he’s so charming Michael? I don’t even know how he does it but he’s got this amazing air of cool that just floats around him.”

“So what’s the problem?” The lamp beside Luke is illuminating his face but he kind of wishes he could turn it off now.

“He’s a massive fucking dick is what the problem is.” Michael nods, understandingly. Luke can tell he’s deliberating, wants to say the right thing more for Luke than himself. Calum would usually step in here, but Luke knows Michael is doing his best.

“Like, dick in general or dick to you?”

“Dick to me. Only me. Literally only me.” And Luke has to breathe in slowly to remind himself that Ashton is only a guy and not worth getting worked up over. 

“But why?”

“I don’t know Mikey. He’s just so on and off? I teach his brother guitar, that’s how I met him the first time but he completely ignored me when I tried to talk to him, and then I met him at the gig that I went to and he was exactly the same, completely disregarded everything I said. But then he came to the house the other day and invited me out and we actually had a really good time, we walked on the beach for like an hour and we just had a talk about everything and it was… I’ve never felt like this about anyone. Especially not this quickly and it just sucks that even after spending that time together he’s decided to ignore me again.”

“Again?”

“Well after our walk on the beach he literally ditched me in front of everyone and like, I tried to text him a few hours ago but I’ve got no reply? I know that I should be patient but I can’t help but feel that he’s never going to reply.”

“Luke, from what you’ve told me he doesn’t sound like a good guy.”

“But he can be so sweet Michael, that’s what I don’t get. If he was just a prick I’d be like fine, but then he’s so nice and kindhearted to me too. God I sound so fucking lame.”

“Shut up Luke. Do you think he actually cares though?”

“He’s shown interest? Why would he show interest if he didn’t at least kind-”

“Luke. Luke you’re coming to me with an answer you want to hear.” The younger boy isn’t sure how to reply to that. “You want me to tell you that this Ashton guy will reply to you, that he will give you the time of day eventually, that he does care. I can’t do that though Luke. I want to, believe me I do because I can hear how you talk about him already, but I can’t tell you what you want to hear.” Luke knows this, of course he does.

“I know.”

“The truth is, he sounds like a massive dick who I already don’t fucking like. He’s playing you around and it’s not fair. He might reply, he might not reply, I don’t know. But even if he does Luke, you’ve got to promise me not to wear your heart on your sleeve with him. Not yet.”

Luke thinks it’s a bit too late.

“Okay.”

“Good.” Michael stares right at the screen and Luke feels like he’s looking deep into his soul even though the camera. “You okay?”

Luke shrugs. “Yeah. Just wish it could be easy for once. Trust me to pick the fuckboy.”

Michael laughs, head thrown back and eyes squeezed shut, and Luke would do anything in that moment to be home and curled up in Michael’s lap. “I know Luke, I know.”

\---

Ashton doesn’t reply, and Luke can’t even be surprised. It’s only been three days but it’s long enough for Luke to know that him getting a reply now is non-existent, and this would all be okay if it wasn’t for the fact that it was Monday and Luke is currently teaching Harry how to play a set of chord progressions. As much as Luke would like to say he’s concentrating he’s not, because all he can think about is the fact that he’s going to see Ashton and he's about to come through those glass doors.

He’s thinking about it so hard that he doesn’t even notice when the boy turns up until Harry’s moving, and he tries to disguise his jump with a cough. Harry looks at him weirdly, but takes up his guitar and runs towards Ashton already telling him about all the new chords he’s picked up. Luke keeps his head down the entire time, doesn’t look up even when he’s in the house and puts the guitars down in the corner, certainly does look up when he hears his name.

“Luke.”

“I’ll see you next week Harry.” And Luke slides the glass door back open with gentle ease, doesn’t want Ashton to think he’s worked up, and slides it closed behind him. 

He knows by leaving so abruptly that Ashton will pick up that Luke’s been upset by the whole thing. Hell Luke knows that him getting absolutely plastered the other night in plain sight of Ashton was probably enough to seal the deal. But he can’t let himself even look at Ashton because he doesn’t know what he’ll do. So he leaves them to show themselves out and sits in the garden with the sun on his face wishing desperately to be home.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> come talk to me at [cashtens](http://cashtens.tumblr.com) you guys have been sending me really lovely messages and the support means the world, honestly. please subscribe, kudos and comment :) <3


	12. Eleven: Let's split the night wide open.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this is so delayed but exams are done now! I think this will be complete by the end of next week so expect updates every few days now. I hope it's worth the wait :) I've already started the next chapter I'm so ready to write this omf

_So pour me a drink, oh, love,  
Let’s split the night wide open_

Luke spends the next week in a daze, doesn’t really do much apart from see Alex, Jack and the rest of the boys to hang out. He also (much to her surprise) asks Isa to send a few more students his way to teach guitar. She gives him a few worried looks when they’re around the house together; Luke knows how subdued he seems apart from when he’s with the kids, and even then there’s something missing. His students don’t notice and are always so eager to learn in a way that gives him at least something to smile about. He loves it, sees in them what he saw in himself, the dream to live and play big. It’s nice to watch, grounds him in a different way and takes his mind off the thrumming in his head.

The other thing that's keeping him grounded or rather person is Will from the beach. They met again with the group earlier in the week where they easily exchanged numbers, and since then it’s been constant texting back and forth. 

Luke likes it, because it’s completely different to the way he talks to Alex which is like an old friend, more like the way he’d talk to Michael and Calum. The way he talks to Will is new, different to what he’s had in a long, long time. It’s the air of learning about someone, but there’s a thrum of something impending to it, the way you’d learn about someone you could have potential with. Luke knows this is dangerous waters to be treading, again, especially since he can’t even think of Ashton without tugging on his heart. But Luke knows Will is different. He doesn’t know if that’s good or bad.

As new and as pleasant as talking to Will is, Luke still feels the tingling under his skin and it’s frustrating because isn’t that what he’s tried to get away from? He hates that it’s followed him here to New Zealand, hates even more that he’s letting it get the best of him. He needs a break. He needs a drink.

Which is why it’s more than welcome when Alex invites him to a house party the following night, Luke doesn’t even need to think twice.

_**Alex** \- So some kid is having a party tomorrow, you up for it?_

Luke replies with a smiley face knowing Alex will understand. He falls back against his bed, climbing under the sheets and pulling it over his head. In his makeshift cave he looks at the time and realises it’s gone midnight. He’d never usually go to bed at this time but lately all he’s been feeling is exhaustion, and to Luke nothing sounds better at that moment than sleep. However, he looks at his phone again, narrows his eyes at the date before he realises, fuck, it’s Michael’s birthday. How could he have forgotten? He was thinking of sending something back home but there’s little chance that it’d get there even in the next few days, and Luke’s never felt like a worse, more selfish friend. 

He dials the number he’s called more times than he can count but finds that it rings through and goes straight to voicemail. He’s confused, because Michael always answers his phone especially on his birthday, and Luke tries again a few minutes later but is met with voicemail again. He decides to leave it, thinking maybe he’s busy with Calum or his parents, and sends a soppy 10 line long birthday message for him to see later. He’s positive he’ll have a reply when he wakes up, and Luke falls asleep with his phone on his face still buried in his cave.

\---

Luke does not have a reply when he wakes up, in fact none of his messages are returned throughout the day. Even Calum isn’t answering his phone, and after 10am both their phones switch off completely, and Luke’s starting to feel like maybe it’s something he’s done wrong. He knows it’s irrational but doesn’t have a clue as to why _both_ his best friends are ignoring him, have even turned off their phones. It’s the worst feeling in the world because he’d already been down for the entire week. All he needs is the voice of reason from his boys to tell him he’s being silly, he deserves to be happy, but he can’t even have that. In return Luke spends the entire Saturday in bed eating junk he knows his mother would scold him for because that’s the only thing that feels good right now.

It gets to about 6pm and Luke wonders if it’s acceptable to start drinking yet, knows he’s not going to head to this party for at least another few hours but nothing on TV is keeping his attention. To be honest, Luke can’t bear the thought of anything at this moment sober. He goes to grab a beer from the fridge before making his way across the garden, and dials Michael’s number again because he can’t have had his phone off for that long even if Luke had done something wrong. He nearly jumps out of his skin when he hears breathing on the other side, a stifled laugh and a giggle in the background that’s undeniably Calum. He goes from shock to happy to _raging_ all the space of a second, and Luke’s about to explode.

“What the fuck? I’ve been calling you all day? Why has your phone been off?” Michael continues to laugh and it sounds windy behind all of his breathing. Luke wonders if he’s accidentally answered the call while out with Calum.

“Sorry. A lil busy. Hi Luke.”

“Fuck you,” is all Luke can think to say, but there’s no heat behind it because he’s just so happy that Michael isn’t angry with him, and so neither is Calum, and god Michael is 19 today and Luke is so excited for him. “Happy birthday Michael. Happy birthday, love you, wish you were here.” Luke’s speaking really fast, suddenly so overwhelmed. Michael laughs again, more clearly this time because his heavy breathing has subsided. 

“Thank you Lukey. I got your message earlier, you’re a sap. Miss you so much.”

“I know. Miss you too.”

“You feeling better? You know, after we spoke.” Luke shrugs even though Michael can’t see him, knows Michael takes his silence as an answer and sighs. 

“Never mind. You’ll be happy again soon.”

“I don’t know.” Luke sighs in return, and Michael laughs softly, and it seems to be all he can do today. Luke’s glad one of them is happy, glad Michael’s having such a beautiful day to laugh so much.

“No seriously, you’ll be happy again soon. I have to go Luke.” And Luke realises that what he thought was wind was actually just noise, people noise, and Luke doesn’t even know what Michael’s been doing today.

“No wait, where are you? What are you doing? I have questions!”

“Goodbye Luke!” The phone cuts off just like that, and Luke is left on his own again. He’s not sure how he feels about the abrupt end, but at least Michael’s birthday hasn’t been boring for him even though Luke’s not there. Luke takes solace in that, decides to wait it out before drinking the beer he grabbed and falls onto the sofa with hopes something better is on TV.

Luke manages to find a soap he’s never seen before that’s on rerun’s finds himself engrossed in minutes, watches some until he looks up and realises more than an hour’s passed, and he really needs to get ready soon. He goes back across to the house, wondering if Isa’s made anything he can steal a bite of before he takes a shower, but there isn’t a trace of her in the house. Usually she’d let him know if she was heading out, even for a bit, and Luke looks at his phone to check if he’s missed a message from her. He has, and he lets out a sigh of relief to diffuse the panic that had started settling in.

_**Isa Pizza** \- Will be back in about an hour. Get off your ass and dressed._

Dressed for what? Luke’s unsure as to what the occasion is, but he’s going out to this party anyway so whoever is coming over isn’t seeing anything but the back of Luke. The message was sent nearly 20 minutes ago, so Luke warms up some left over takeout from the fridge and eats it while he chooses his outfit, gets in the shower when he’s done. By the time he’s out and dressed, an hour’s passed, and Luke strolls back over to the main house to see if Isa’s home.

Isa is home, and Luke can hear her chatting with multiple male voices that have the hairs on his arm standing up. He slides the glass door open quickly, because he can’t be hearing right, and the voices die off completely as soon as they hear his presence. 

Luke is definitely not going to cry, because he’s 18 and too old to get emotional over seeing his best friends but it’s been 3 weeks and he’s a loser. Calum and Michael sitting on the couch with smiles like they’ve pulled the biggest stunt in the world is the last thing Luke thought he’d see, but it’s also the thing he needed the most. He all but flings himself over their body’s and presses his face against Calum’s chest while Michael catches his legs, strokes his thigh while Luke composes himself. He hears Isa and who he assumes is Spencer leave the room, and Luke thinks it’s permission to break down if he needs. He won’t though, finds comfort in the hand that’s still making circles on his thigh and Calum’s that’s running his fingers through still wet hair, and Luke’s never appreciated anything more in his entire life.

He sits up after a while, looks at them still smiling and proceeds to punch them both softly in the arm. “I can’t believe you’re here.”

“Missed you too loser boy.” Michael says, and Luke pulls Michael’s head down to his chest where he can cradle it against the older boy’s protests.

“Happy birthday you idiot.” And they both laugh, Luke letting him go while Calum reaches over to help fix his hair, imprint dark and winding all the way up his arm. Michael smiles fondly in reply, kisses the mark gently and Luke’s so happy he doesn’t even care.

“Is this why you wouldn’t answer your phone?”

“We didn’t want to lie so we just, didn’t say anything.” Luke punches them both in the arm again.

“I spoke to you like 3 hours ago, where were you?”

“We’d just got off the plane. Then Calum couldn’t find his luggage, idiot, and we went to get ice cream before Isa picked us up.”

“How did she know you were coming?” Luke’s so happy but so confused as to how he’s the only one who didn’t know.

“Your mum. Isa had told her you’d been feeling a little down and she asked us and I told her you were feeling a bit down too from when we’d spok- yes, I’m sorry Luke but she asked! I didn’t say why,” Luke huffs in reply, pulls his bottom lip into his mouth in annoyance but lets Michael continue. “Then obviously it’s my birthday and Cal and I had been thinking about it since you left so last week we just bought tickets!”

“I thought I’d pissed you off when you didn’t reply!”

“Luke, you’re an idiot. I was texting you yesterday.” Luke shrugs, knew the entire thing was irrational but that’s all he’d been feeling lately, and Calum pulls Luke back into him and the younger boy goes without question resting his head in the crook of his neck. Michael goes back to drawing circles on Luke’s leg, and Luke sighs happily and thinks maybe he’ll just stay here because this is millenniums better than going to a party that Ashton is almost definitely attending too.

“I’m supposed to be going out tonight.” Luke mumbles, and Calum giggles at warm breath on his neck. Michael pokes Luke in the leg and gives him a warning glance, and the blonde rolls his eyes before sitting up. Calum pats him reassuringly on his back and Michael smiles before getting up to stretch.

“Good. What kind of birthday is it without a party?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading, honestly i can't explain how much it means to me that you guys read this let alone enjoy it, it makes me so sooo happy to see you guys reccing this to other people on tumblr! please come and speak to me even if it's just regular talk or if you like you can send me nice messages about this at [cashtens](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/ask) i love you guys ridiculously i can't explain. also kudos, comments and subscribing is always really welcomed <3
> 
> p.s a lovely reader made me a title and imma link her [here](http://allthosewordsunspoken.tumblr.com/) cause she's the bomb af thank u so much and i've put it on the prologue chapter so check it out bc it's cute you will cry


	13. Twelve: Is it too late to bring us back to life?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To soothe you from another broken promise here is a slightly longer one. I didn't even know this was going to happen myself, don't hate me, I hope you like! :)

_All the crossed wires, just making us tired  
Is it too late to bring us back to life?_

Michael and Alex to no one’s surprise get on like a house on fire. Calum gets on with Alex too for about the first half an hour of the party, but then he’s completely wasted after that and any attempt to hold discussion is out of the window. He spends the entire time clinging to Michael’s side, lips pressed to his neck and giggling every time Michael opens his mouth. The older boy keeps looking down at him fondly, clinging on tight around his waist while still holding conversation as best he can, and everyone keeps gazing at them with this stupid fondness that has Luke so fucking proud. It doesn’t really make sense that he’s _proud_ but Luke’s happy, happier than he’s been for ages because everyone’s here; he doesn’t need anything to make sense.

Luke’s not at all far behind Calum, keeps yelling stupid stuff that only the three of them understand in the middle of conversation, and Michael keeps glaring at him but the drunker he gets the more it ends up being this pouty look, but everyone including Jack and Alex seem to find it hilarious even though they don’t understand. Michael eventually has enough, attempts to dislodge himself from Calum but doesn’t have a chance because the boy whines and leeches, and Michael points at Luke with this look while he runs away into the hall with a laugh.

He figures he might as well get another drink, and Luke thinks maybe this should definitely be his last because he wants to wake up tomorrow so the three of them can do something nice, maybe go and see John, but he’s stopped from walking into the kitchen by a hand that grabs his wrist. He’s pulled back pretty hard, and he backwards stumbles into the chest of whoever’s pulled him. He’s about to run, thinking it might be Michael back for revenge, but he sees the skin of the arm is warm toned and imprint free, so it can’t be Michael, and for a second his heart rate speeds up because no, not now. He turns around so he’s chest to chest with whoever it is, and heaves a sigh of relief.

“Sorry. Didn’t mean to drag you.” The boy whispers, and his slurred words are gentle to Luke’s ears, make his heart rate slow down.

“Will.” He whispers, laughs at himself for getting so worked up thinking it was a _particular someone_. He feels his face relax, but obviously Will isn’t drunk enough not to notice.

“Not who you expected me to be?” Luke laughs nervously, thinking maybe he’s hinting at something but he looks into Will’s green green eyes, up to his tufty brown hair that’s curling at the ends, and smiles because right now to Luke that doesn’t matter.

“I don’t need you to be anyone else.” He bows his head unsure where the sudden burst of flirty confidence has come from because now he’s shy again. There’s a soft laugh that makes him lift his head, and the boy is a lot pinker than he was before. His features are soft, innocent in a way that reminds Luke of Calum when he was a little younger. 

“Sorry I didn’t reply to your message.” Luke says, remembering that he’d meant to text him back after getting out of the shower the night before. 

“It’s okay, you said you were tired. I’d rather you got your beauty sleep.”

Now it’s Luke’s turn to blush softly and he wobbles on his feet both from nerves and alcohol. Luke can’t remember the last time he was in this situation. “I don’t need beauty sleep.” He tries to sound defiant but he just sounds lame, and the brown haired boy lets out this sigh the Luke can’t describe other than _fond._ Even less makes sense now to Luke than before.

“You’re cute.” Luke’s head bows even lower to the point Will just has a face full of snapback, and he laughs before reaching down to tilt Luke’s face up again. “Stop.”

Luke shrugs. “Stop what?”

“Being cute.”

“I’m not cute. You’re cute.” Both boys giggle because what else are they going to do, and Luke shuffles on his feet happily because this night couldn’t make him any more content. His best friends are in the next room getting along with his new friends. Will is here flirting with him. What else does Luke need?

Something in the back of his head tries to answer that question, but Luke let’s being drunk take over his cognitions so he pretends he doesn’t know the answer. He’s about to start conversation again, steps closer to Will so their toes are touching, but Luke gets pulled back _again_ and he turns to glare at the culprits. It’s Michael and Calum, looking a little weary between the two and Luke rolls his eyes because no way is he getting cockblocked by his loser best friends. He tries to pull a ‘what’ face, but he doesn’t think it comes out right because Calum is holding in laughter, and he looks a little bit more aware of the world now as he holds a bottle of water.

“Hi, mate.” Michael starts, looking past him at a very confused looking Will, and Luke thinks maybe he should introduce them when he starts getting pulled out of the room. “Just borrowing Luke here. Won’t be long.” Luke can’t fit a word in until they’re out of the hallway, and back into the social living area, but Michael decides it’s much too crowded for their talk so drags him back out the room and up the stairs into an empty bathroom and shuts the door. He turns and points a finger like earlier at Luke. Calum stands at the side like he doesn’t know what’s about to happen so he’s making himself invisible.

“What are you doing.” It’s not even a question, and even if it was Luke wouldn’t be able to answer it.

“What?”

“What are you doing? Who is that guy? Is that the guy? I’ll kill him if that’s the guy.” The blonde boy isn’t sure whether to laugh or scream. Laughing seems to be the least problematic action, but even that’s weak. Michael looks at him like he’s insane.

“That’s not the guy.”

“What do you mean that’s not the guy?”

“I mean that’s not the guy.” Luke doesn’t know where Michael wants to go with this, and clearly neither does Calum because he slowly inches his way closer and holds onto Michael’s bicep gently like that’s supposed to bring him back down to earth.

“So who’s that?”

“A different guy.”

“A diff- what are you? Magneto? Why have you suddenly got all these guys at your door?” And Luke can see Calum squeeze Michael’s bicep in warning, be careful what you say, but Luke can already feel himself deflating. Michael immediately sees he’s said the wrong thing, and Calum lets him go this time when he pulls out of his grasp to cross over the bathroom to Luke.

“Sorry, that didn’t come out right, you know I have no filter.” Luke laughs weakly again, but he can feel himself sobering up and this is not what he needed right now. Couldn’t Michael have waited, is all Luke keeps repeating in his head because all he wants is to go back downstairs so Will can call him cute again.

“Doesn’t matter.”

“No it does, okay. I’m worried. I thought that was the guy because you were so red and blushing and smiling so hard. You haven’t told us about this guy.”

“Haven’t known him that long. Nothing really to tell, we’ve only been texting.”

“Well, he seems cool. You seem to like him.” Luke shrugs because he doesn’t know what he likes anymore.

“Um, well, I guess I’ll escort you back to him.” And this time Luke actually laughs, a little high pitched and a little surprised, and both boys smile back at him even though he shakes his head.

“It’s okay. I’ll find him later. I need a drink please.”

And they’re back downstairs in the kitchen taking shots of tequila because that always ends well, and then Will is there too, right by Luke’s side and their hands are brushing, this time Will’s and not someone else’s. Before Luke knows it he’s flopped over Calum’s back who’s attempting to give him a piggyback down the hallway but it’s all uncontrolled staggering, Calum’s just as pissed, and they end up on the floor in a heap. 

Everyone around them cheers over the sounds from the speaker system, and Luke doesn’t know where all these people have come from but he moans in reply. After Jack has flopped himself on top of the two boys Michael finally comes to help his boyfriend (he couldn’t miss those matching imprints a million miles away) but leaves the other two. Jack curls around Luke who pulls himself into a fetus position because everything is spinning, until eventually he feels arms tugging at his armpits, and he does the best he can to help pull his weight off the floor. 

He’s met with green, green eyes again, and he smiles; Will came to his rescue just like Michael came to Calum’s and no that doesn’t melt his heart. The boy smiles back and it’s pretty, slightly crooked, but makes Luke smile harder.

“Will?”

“Luke?” Will mocks, and Luke laughs before falling into the slightly shorter boy’s body, his head heavy.

“Willlllll.”

“How drunk are you?” Luke doesn’t even attempt to lie.

“Very. Extremely.” He drags out all the vowels, makes himself giggle when he hears his own voice filter through the music.

“I can see that.” The boy slurs back, and Luke narrows his eyes and pouts in a way he hopes is cute. He thinks it worked because the shorter boy rolls his eyes fondly, pulls Luke to sit on the stairs with him.

“Shut up, so are you. But I can’t see anything. Well I can see your face. Your face is nice.” Will laughs softly, albeit drunkenly, and takes his hand from Luke’s to situate himself comfortably.

Luke doesn’t know what he’s doing. Luke isn’t thinking anymore. “Heyyyy. I want.” He’s making grabby hands, let’s himself take one of Will’s hands, places their fingertips together. He doesn’t lock their fingers, he’s just pressing, and both of them are staring down at their hands.

“Luke.” The taller boy isn’t sure what saying his name is supposed to mean, doesn’t know what to take from his slightly trembling voice.

“Can I have something else instead?”

“What do you want?”

“You.” Luke doesn’t know where this is coming from. He isn’t thinking, and his heart is starting to race. He doesn’t think his mouth and his brain are connected anymore. He’s worried, because the alcohol has clearly disconnected some of his cells and his synapses are broken, and he’s definitely going to need help after what he’s about to do.

“Luke.” Will repeats, but it sounds warning and Luke doesn’t want a warning, he wants this. He wants Will.

“How drunk are you?” Luke asks instead, and he pulls himself up as best he can, this time interlocking their fingers. Will’s arm has to stretch to accommodate Luke’s height, and he’s forced to stand him with Luke to keep their hands entwined. Luke tries not to smile or count it as a win.

“Pretty.”

“Good.” And Luke takes the lead, back into the bathroom that he was in less than an hour ago with Michael and Calum, shuts the door behind him. He immediately presses Will up against the door, loves the way the other boy is already panting and Luke hasn’t done anything yet, hasn’t even touched him, and Luke feels large, on top of the world. 

It doesn’t last long though, before he knows it Will is spinning him round and pressing Luke against the door, and Luke’s snapback falls off his head with the force of it. Luke didn’t even realise he wanted this so much, wanted to be handled and taken care of, and that’s exactly what he feels when Will nudges his nose up and presses his lips to his, soft for about a second before they’re both squirming closer, pressing eagerly against the other’s lips. 

It’s fierce, fierce enough for Luke to feel his skin tingling but in a completely different manner, and Will’s tongue is tracing Luke’s bottom lip in a way that’s already got him whining softly. So he opens up eagerly, let’s Will lead the way because Luke can already tell that’s what he likes, and Luke is a sucker for feeling like he’s giving someone what they want. Will bites softly on Luke’s bottom lip, pulls at his ring and it makes him whine again, louder this time. It forces Will to pull back with this look that has Luke looking away because it’s too much. Will shouldn’t look at him like that, not already, but Luke’s mind is hazy so he goes to kiss him again, a hand tangled in his hair. Will lets up, gasps up into Luke’s mouth when Luke presses his entire body even closer.

Will pulls away again, this time stopping Luke when he pouts softly. “Are you sure about this?” and Luke is 2 seconds away from screaming because this is too much thought and he’s ready to stop talking. “Luke.”

“Yes, yes I am sure, I’m sure, please.” And Luke hates how desperate he sounds, how obvious it is that he just _wants_. But Will isn’t making fun of him, he looks the same as Luke feels, maybe a little more of something Luke doesn’t want to put his finger on, and Will takes the lead again. Will’s tongue is immediately on Luke’s and the blonde is sighing softly as he closes his eyes, feels Will’s hands slip down to his waist.

Luke allows Will to pull away, press soft, chaste kisses to his neck that makes him mewl softly, and Luke’s so hot underneath all his flannel and t-shirt he’s sure he’s going to burn alive. He’s not ready for the teeth that meet his neck just under his jaw, and Luke lets out a surprised whine, lower half jerking. He feels the press of Will against him for a split second, and his whine turns into a groan when he realises Will is half hard too. His hands pull on the shorter boy’s hair, slipping down to the hem of his shirt where they slide underneath, caressing warm skin. Will gasps, Luke knows his hands must be cold, and then Will growls as he puts his hands under Luke’s thighs.

Luke gets the message, jumps up and is surprised by how easily Will holds his weight, and catches Will’s lips again to hold in his moans at feeling of their hips pressed together. The shock the rolls through him when Will starts to walk to the counter as they rub together through their jeans has Luke pulling back and moaning softly. He starts to thrust even though it disturbs Will’s walking, and when he’s plopped down on the counter he doesn’t stop, keeps grinding their hips together because the counter is at a perfect level, and Luke whimpers when Will starts to suck another hickey into his neck.

“Fuck,” Luke groans out, closes his eyes tight when Will manages to press even closer, fingers digging into Luke’s hips hard enough to bruise, and Luke feels everything already and their jeans haven’t even come off yet.

“You sound so hot Luke, _shit,_ ” and he’s about to gasp in reply because _god_ he hasn’t been told that in so long, when the bathroom door opens and Luke’s eyes shoot open. 

Will reluctantly pulls back, but it wouldn’t matter what Will had kept doing because Luke goes completely numb and humiliated at the sight of hazel eyes staring right at him. His mouth gapes open and closed like a fish but he’s still panting softly. Ashton doesn’t look away, keeps looking like he’s waiting for Luke to say something. When Luke doesn’t, still completely red in the face from arousal and embarrassment, he arches a brow. Luke can see his jaw squaring, knows he’s clenching his teeth like he’s trying to stay calm. 

Luke can feel his hands shaking and he doesn’t know why he’s so nervous. He can feel his heart in his throat. This is Ashton, who’s barely treated him like anything apart from crap, but somehow he feels like he’s been caught. 

He feels like this is betrayal.

“Ash-”

“Please, don’t stop on my account.” By now Will’s moved away, maybe somehow feeling like he’s been caught too, and Luke doesn’t miss the way Ashton’s eyes travel down Luke’s body still sat up on the counter, and Luke squirms in on himself when Ashton’s eyes flicker back up. Doesn’t miss the look of _hurt_ before he walks away.

Luke knows Ashton’s got no right to feel hurt, but he feels his entire body sinking in on itself, and after a minute or two of trying to sober himself up which doesn’t work at all, he gets down from the counter. Will has to rush to grab Luke by his arms when his knees buckle slightly, but Luke shakes his head and pulls away. “I’m really sorry.”

“Nothing to apologise for.” Even now Will is still being nice, looking at Luke with those eyes, but now there’s confusion too and Luke can’t deal with this. Not now. He looks away; he’s not even remotely hard anymore and leaps out of the bathroom. He feels like everything is going to shit, and he has to find Michael and Calum now because they’re leaving. The place is emptying out anyway, it doesn’t take him too long to find them both sprawled out on the couch with their eyes closed. 

However he regretfully spots Ashton too standing right in the middle of the room, and stops abruptly because he thought maybe he’d left. Maybe the look of sadness was enough to make him leave, just like Luke was leaving because his heart is too full. But he’s laughing with a guy called Jess who’s always been nice to Luke, beer in hand like nothing’s happened. 

Luke thinks he’s about to be sick. He’s drank too much, the room is still spinning and the feeling at the bottom of his stomach is growing. He looks away as soon as he makes eye contact with Ashton, Ashton who’s giving him that blank stare again and Luke has to get out of here right now. 

He brushes past them both, and realises that both Michael and Calum have their eyes open now, staring at Luke with this look like they know who Ashton is simply from the way Luke looked at him. Judging from the way they’re looking past Luke, Ashton is probably still looking at him too, and he steals a glance behind him to find they’re right. Luke turns around after locking eyes with a still indignant looking Ashton for too long and shakes his head. They both sit up with Calum grabbing his face to stop the movement, ground him; they know Luke’s stuck in his head and can’t get out.

“It’s okay, we can go, we’ll walk home, don’t worry Luke. Let’s go.” And they get up to leave just like that, but not without Michael brushing his arm a little too hard against Ashton, and he smirks at him when Ashton’s beer slightly spills on his top. 

Luke is reminded of that first gig they went to nearly three weeks ago when Ashton had nearly torn that guy’s head off. Ashton looks like he’s about to say something but he closes his mouth, gives a tight lipped smile instead because Michael’s eyes are on fire, and this isn’t how Luke wanted it to go. He pulls away from the group, grabs an unopened bottle of water from a random partygoer’s hand and starts out of the house into the cool air. He keeps walking, doesn’t bother to wait for his friends to catch up.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Potentially another update tomorrow? I have the time to write more tonight :) Hit me up on [tumblr](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/) if you want to vent bc even i want to vent! Please also kudos, comment, subscribe it makes me happy and i'm so so grateful <3


	14. Thirteen: Even though my dizzy head is numb.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I hope you like!

_Even though my dizzy head is numb  
I swear my heart is never giving up_

Luke feels the beginnings of a smile from where he is a little further into John’s shop, watching Calum absolutely shred on a Sting Ray bass. Michael’s sitting next to him, mahogany Gibson acoustic sitting beautiful on his lap but he’s not playing. Watching Calum with this stupid fond look, it’s everything for Luke not to roll his eyes; he’s had to keep himself from letting loose snarky comments all day. John is sitting behind the counter looking extremely impressed, even more so than he did when he heard Luke play, and Michael play, but Luke can’t for a second deny that Calum’s got something special. If anything, it makes him feel overwhelmed with pride that someone else can see it too. It’s the nicest feeling he’s felt all day.

The younger boy walks around the instruments to plop himself down just as Calum strums his last note, and John and a random guy Luke hadn’t even noticed clap in applause. Calum tinges pink a little, smiles gratefully at no one in particular to the point his eyes crinkle, and Luke watches as Michael kisses them and Calum goes soft under his touch. They both turn to Luke like they’ve only noticed he’s there and send these _eyes_ they’ve been giving him all day. Luke’s had to result to deep breathing exercises because he’s been so close losing his shit.

“I’m hungry,” he diverts, looking away from them both and outside, and he awkwardly catches John’s eye who gives Luke this weary look like he knows something’s up. Luke continues to breathe deep, tries to remember some of the techniques Harry had taught him when they first started to talk. He knows Harry would know what to do in a situation like this, and he wishes that the curly haired boy was closer, not a phone call away. He could do with his reassuring presence, not the patronising gazes he feels are settled on him. He knows they care but they’re looking at Luke like he’ll crack any second and Luke doesn’t need reminding of it.

When he looks back at them they nod, but he can tell they’re a little confused because they had late breakfast at nearly 1pm and it isn’t even 3 yet. After last night it’d taken them over half an hour to walk home at 2 in the morning, the entire thing done in complete silence. And after Luke had offered the two food from the fridge, snacks and a pint of water each he’d gone into his room and locked the door without a single word. He himself hadn’t woken up until 11, but the other two didn’t emerge for more than an hour after.

By then Luke had showered and started on breakfast in the main house despite his pounding head, and when Michael and Calum showed up through the glass door they were clean and dressed, rid of last night completely except their faces when they finally made eye contact with Luke.

The blonde boy placed full plates of eggs, bacon, toast and beans in front of his two friends with a smile that Luke could feel to his bones was fake. “Please-” Calum started but Luke was in no mood for any sort of chat.

“Don’t.” And both boys had dropped it. Within minutes they were all speaking again eagerly making plans for the rest of the day. Luke promised he’d take them to the beach. But the entire few hours they’d spent outside Luke couldn’t get the two boys to drop those sad eyes, and it was making his head spin.

“Okay, let’s go and eat.” Calum agrees, and John is suddenly there to take the guitars. Calum smiles gratefully as John whispers something to him, and they end up embracing as best as they can with John’s armful of guitars. 

“Are you guys okay?” John asks, and even though they all nod Luke knows the question is directly specifically at him. He feels the overwhelming urge to leave and he smiles as best he can while shouting his thanks, practically out of the door. Breathing is Luke’s main priority because even that seems hard now, and when the boys catch up he starts spewing about this incredible Mexican he and Isa went to one evening, how they’d love it. He’s not sure he’s making any sense, and he’s pulled down harshly onto a bench that’s parallel to the park he got lost in that time. For a split second he wishes he never got out.

He’s pulled from the thought when he’s met with curious glass green and worried russet brown eyes. Luke can tell he’s not getting out of this one so his immediate reaction is defence.

“What?” It’s heated and angry and Luke’s even shocked at himself that it came out that strong. Both boys’ eyes flicker in surprise towards each other, but Luke’s forgotten that they’ve known him since he could talk. It’s no use.

“You’ve gotta talk to us.” Michael starts, scooting closer on the bench, but Luke just wrings his hands together.

“I don’t have to do anything.”

“Oh my god Luke!” And Luke’s eyes narrow at Michael, Michael who’s full of heat and fire too and everything Luke’s ready to fight.

“What.” Luke repeats, but it’s not a question, it’s a taunt, but Luke knows Michael’s aware of what he’s trying to do. 

“Stop egging each other on!” Calum whisper shouts, but Michael simply shakes his head and moves back towards Calum like he’s given up.

“Luke, we’re worried. I can count out one hand how many words you’ve said today, and I’ve never seen you look the way you did last night, okay? So we have every right to be worried, and question you about that boy, who was looking at you like you kicked his dog-”

“He’s no one, it doesn’t matter.”

“Luke! It matters when he was looking at you like you broke his heart.” Luke squeezes his eyes shut because all night before he’d fallen into fitful sleep he’d been trying to convince himself that no, Ashton was not looking at him like he’d broke his heart.

“No he was not.”

Calum nods his head gently like he’ll startle Luke. “Yes, Luke, he was. Are you going to tell us what happened last night?”

“He walked in on me and Will.” 

“You and Will?”

“In the bathroom.”

“Doing- oh.” For a fleeting second both boys look impressed at Luke before they remember the weight of the situation. Luke hates his friends. “He’s Ashton, right?”

“Yeah.”

“Well at least he’s hot.”

Both boys are startled, give Calum wide eyes. “Calum.” Michael whines, and Calum pats his back reassuringly until Michael sinks into the touch. Luke always thinks they’re kind of like wax to each other’s flames.

“Look, okay, clearly you both have feelings for eac- let me speak,” Calum intervenes when he sees Luke about to talk, “clearly, he’s into you. There’s nothing about it Luke. From someone who has never even met the boy, didn’t even really know for definite who he was at the time, he was looking at you like you held his fucking world and tore it to pieces in front of him. Even when you turned back around he couldn’t take his eyes off you for a second.”

“Calum’s right. We wouldn’t lie, not to you and not about this. You know we wouldn’t.” Michael scoots closer again, and Luke lets him this time, moves closer himself until he can rest his head on Michael’s shoulder. “Yeah, he’s a dick and arrogant and probably ruined your night but he cares, Luke. He cares about you and was upset about what you did and I think you guys need to talk.” Michael finishes, caressing Luke’s hair.

“I don’t want to talk to him.”

“It’s not about what you want anymore. It’s about what you need. Now let’s go eat.”  
\---

As promised Luke takes them to the beach. He tries to forget what happened the first time he was here, and instead concentrates on making new memories with Calum and Michael. They’d never really been away together like this, no adults, and they buy beers from a shack bar before settling down under the warm New Zealand heat in stolen deck chairs.

“I’m so glad you guys are here.” Luke whispers, and they’re so silent for a moment he thinks they didn’t hear him.

“We’re glad we’re here too. Aren’t we Clifford?”

“We are.” Luke smiles gratefully, letting his fingers and toes run over and sink into white sand. He closes his eyes and just listens.

There’s a moment where everything lulls around him to the point all he can hear is breeze blowing and birds chirping and the waves hitting the shore. For a few seconds Luke can’t remember a single problem in his life. Not one. And it’s then that Luke realises that there are too many good things surrounding him, things he can and can’t touch, beautiful things that will still be there even if Ashton Irwin isn’t.

Luke realises nothing he’s doing to himself is worth it. Beating himself up isn’t worth it, nor is feeling guilty and neither is feeling sorry for himself. There’s so many good things he isn’t doing by wasting time being sad over Ashton, and these games aren’t to Luke’s taste anymore.

Luke closes his eyes and breathes, pulls out his phone to send Will a text. He immediately puts his phone away, not ready to read any sort of reply, and pulls his sunglasses back over his eyes. He feels a little better than before. 

\---

Luke’s ready for it when Ashton walks through the glass doors into the garden. He’d made Calum and Michael, especially Michael, promise from the day before that they would stay indoors no matter what. Luke needs to deal with this on his own. When they’re done for the day, Harry and Luke walk towards the door but there is clearly something in Luke’s face that makes Ashton’s flicker a bit, and Luke sees that it’s probably realisation of Luke’s disposition. Ashton seems to square up suddenly, like he’s ready to fight and Luke has to keep from shouting in annoyance because he only wants to talk.

“Harry, do you want to take these guitars in for me? I need to talk to your brother.”

“Am I in trouble?”

“No of course not,” Luke laughs and ruffles his hair. “There’s candy on the kitchen counter and help yourself to a glass of water. It’s been really humid out today.” Harry nods in thanks, smiles gratefully at them both. Ashton takes the initiative to close the door after Harry, and they both go to take a seat in the bench. Something in Luke’s bones tells him that Calum and Michael are watching through a slip in the curtains, but Luke keeps his head clear because he has to do this properly.

“Ash-”

“Good time on Saturday?” Ashton’s got this look in his eye like he usually does, kind of cheeky; but this time Luke doesn’t miss that it’s unsure too. Luke is so, so confused.

“What?” 

“Seems like you had a good time.”

Luke has to keep from clenching his teeth together. “Based on what exactly?” Ashton doesn’t say anything, but his face is taunting Luke and he’s not having it anymore.

“What is your problem?” 

For the first time, Ashton seems genuinely startled, lost for words. Luke hopes he knocks all the words out of Ashton’s brain and perhaps some sense in instead. “No, what is your actual problem? With me? What have I done to you?”

“I, you haven-” Ashton breathes deep, goes quiet for a minute. “Shit.” Luke doesn’t care that Ashton looks genuinely sorry, has a look on his face that reminds Luke of the other night, like he’s hurt. Luke wants him to hurt. “Luke, I don’t have a problem with you. I swear, I don’t.”

“Then stop getting so defensive with me. You’re squaring up like you’re ready to fight!”

“I’m not getting defensive.” Ashton looks at Luke’s face then sighs, rubs at his eyes. “I’m _trying_ not to get defensive.” They stay silent for a while, and Luke can hear bolts turning in Ashton’s head, rusty gates coming down and bridges lowering over moats. Luke feels like he can see walls crumbling and his heart hurts. He hates that he always feels bad for Ashton, has always put his feelings before his own. He won’t do it anymore.

“You’ve been a dick.” Ashton nods, doesn’t even deny it. Luke counts it as his first win.

“Luke. I’m sorry.” Luke shrugs, but in his heart he’s soaring because he’s finally got what he wanted. For Ashton to feel even the smallest bit apologetic. “Honestly Luke. I swear. I’m sorry.”

But Luke doesn’t want Ashton to feel like he’s won. “Don’t Luke me.” It comes out whiny and petty, and there’s a tiny smile in his voice that makes Ashton lift his head. They look at each other for a while, scanning each other’s faces. Luke has to look away because Ashton’s eyes are so intense, so full of life in a way he’s never really been able to see before. He wishes so much time hadn’t been wasted. Luke thinks Ashton’s assumed Luke’s looked away in unforgiveness, because he scoots closer on the bench.

“I’m sorry.” Ashton whines back. “Luke.”

Luke breathes in deeply, tries to get his heart rate back to normal and keep the smile from his face. Secretly, he’s so into hearing Ashton beg like this. “You don’t get to say my name like that.”

Ashton smiles a bit, and Luke can feel the air shift. “Like what? Luke? Lukey?” He whines more and Luke is literally going to die in this garden from the way his face is heating up gently.

“Fuck off.” Luke swears, but there’s no heat in it. Ashton scoots close enough for their legs to touch. Luke wonders if Harry is watching through the glass, doesn’t dare check.

“I’m sorry Luke. I swear. I’m sorry. I’ve been a massive dick.” Ashton’s close enough for breath to tickle at Luke’s neck, and this is moving, way, way too fast. He hates how quickly Ashton can worm his way back in; it’s almost definitely a flaw in his system. “Is this okay?” Ashton presses fingers gently to Luke’s thigh, and his touch is nothing like Luke imagined it to be. It’s so much better.

“Yeah.” Luke breathes, but he’s shaking his head. Nothing is in sync anymore, and he has to breathe a couple of times to get his head straight. “No, wait, no it’s not.”

Ashton moves instantly, but their thighs still touch a little. He looks away towards the door, as if he’s having similar thoughts to Luke’s only a minute earlier. “What about Will?”

“What about Will.” Luke hopes he sounds as nonchalant as he thinks, tries not to read too much into the question.

“Aren’t you guys a thing?”

“Could have been.” Ashton sends a confused glance his way. “Sent him a message yesterday. Told him we’d be better off as friends.”

“Yeah?”

“Yeah.”

Ashton nods, tries not to smile but fails. “Good.”

Luke’s suddenly raging again, because why did Ashton have to bring up Will? “Good for who?” Ashton shrugs, smile dropping slowly. 

Luke can feel heat rising in him again, prickling skin, and he’s not letting Ashton off this lightly. “Look, okay. I’ve told Will to beat it. I didn’t have to. He was so good to me, always kind.”

“So why did you send the message?” Ashton retorts and Luke rolls his eyes, gets up from the bench. This time when he’s grabbed back he knows exactly who it is, doesn’t know how he could ever mistake that grip. “Luke, please. I’m being serious. Why did you send the message?” Luke shakes his head. Genuine or not genuine, he’s not giving Ashton that confirmation.

“Why are you such a dick?” It’s Ashton’s turn to roll his eyes.

“I’m trying here Luke.” Ashton sighs. “There’s this gig on Wednesday. Very underground. You should come.” He pauses, looks behind Luke just slightly. “Bring Michael and Calum too.”

“What, so you can ignore me again?”

“Luke. I’m trying.” Ashton repeats, but Luke doesn’t care, he’s going to make Ashton fight for this. Luke’s being fighting with himself for long enough. “Luke please.”

“Stop it.” Luke hates that he can’t help smiling when he hears Ashton say please, it’s music to his ears.

“I’m not doing anything.” Ashton smiles back, presses fingers into Luke’s thighs again but doesn’t make eye contact. “I won’t ignore you okay. I’m sorry. I mean it. I’m an awful person, I know. Alex has told me more than once.”

“He has?” Luke doesn’t wait for an answer. “You’re not an awful person.”

“No?” Ashton seems surprised, looks up at Luke again. Luke doesn’t break eye contact this time.

“No, I think you just act like one.”

“Fair.” Ashton shrugs again like it’s all he knows how to do. “You should come. We can start again. Properly. We’ll do it properly.” 

And fuck, Luke didn’t think Ashton would outright say anything. He knew what was starting to emerge from this conversation but to hear Ashton say he wants to try is making Luke’s heart beat so hard he’s sure he’s going to be sick. He needs more though, needs Ashton to say it for definite.

“Do what properly?”

“You. Me.” Luke breaks out into a beaming smile, grabs the hand that’s still lingering on his lap.

“Yeah?” Luke intertwines their fingers, loves how Ashton’s swallow his. Luke can’t help but wait to told it properly, he’s already impatient. He wants everyone to see.

“I’ll text you tonight,” is all he says in reply, and he’s getting up, reluctantly letting Luke’s fingers go. Luke all but whines, watches as he walks backwards. It’s only now that he sees Harry’s head poking through the glass doors, and he waves a little with hopes it’ll make things less awkward.

“Okay.” He says, but Ashton’s already in the house, Luke knows he can’t hear. 

Something abruptly pops into his head, and he jogs back into the house where he sees Ashton about to close the front door. He spots Luke, holds the door open with a raised eyebrow in amusement. It’s not mocking though, it’s fond; Luke’s seen both so he can tell. It doesn’t make his heart skip a beat.

“How did you know about Calum and Michael? Like who they are?”

“You told me.” And Luke did on their walk at the beach, how could he forget? Luke tries not to blush when Ashton turns back around with a wink, and once he hears the car rev off runs back out and falls into the grass with a smile on his face, still smiling even though Calum and Michael collapse on top of him with all their weight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is this fic so angsty? I didn't even realise until I wrote something happy! Thank u for your kind words honestly I cry inside with happiness every time I get a nice ask/comment (which I will reply to today I promise) but ty ty please kudos and comment and subscribe it gets me through the day <3
> 
> P.s this is nearly over? So crazy, but I have crazy work hours next week so i'm writing until I can't see tonight, seeing 5sos tomorrow (fuck me up) and then sunday and monday i'll hopefully get the entire thing done! Otherwise it'll be a week of no updates and I'd rather not make you guys pay like that! Just so you're aware :) ily!


	15. Fourteen: You've got me where you want me.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wasn't sure i'd get this done so soon bc of the whole michael situation, i was ridiculously shaken up especially bc it was my gig but everything is good now! i'm so happy he's okay :) but enjoy? there's boys touching boys at the end, word of warning if you want to skip!

_You've got me where you want me  
I'm hanging on your every word_

Luke spends the next two days thinking too hard and biting his lip raw, and this time Calum and Michael exchange their sympathetic looks to ones bursting with frustration because they can’t get him to concentrate on anything for more than a minute.

“Luke! You suck at this more than usual.” Calum yells, scoring yet another goal against him as they play Fifa. It’s hotter than usual today, especially as actual summer hasn’t even hit yet so they stay inside to hide from the early evening heat.

“Sorry,” is all Luke mutters back and Calum sighs for about the 100th time that day, pausing the game and turning to the younger boy. He waits for Luke too make eye contact, which takes far too long for his liking by which Michael has come back in the room with two 6 packs of beers. Luke breaks away from Calum’s knowing look.

“Why do you have so much beer?” Luke asks, eyeing Michael wearily as he bends awkwardly to place the beers under his armpit down on the desk. 

“Because.” He shrugs like Luke should know.

“Because what?”

“Because we’re going out tonight? What other reason do we need?”

“Ashton hasn’t really said anything about drinking.” Luke raises an eyebrow because he didn’t know it would be this kind of affair. He doesn’t really want a repeat of Saturday.

“Ashton hasn’t really-” Michael starts to mock before rolling his eyes. “Luke. When did Ashton become ring leader? I don’t need his permission to drink. I don’t want to fuck him.” Luke only shrugs, takes the beer he’s offered without a fight. Michael doesn’t let go of the beer though when Luke grabs it. “Seriously? You have nothing to say back?” Luke only shrugs again and Michael groans quietly, shaking his head.

“What is up with you! And don’t say you don’t know!” Luke only sighs, and he doesn’t know when he started to feel so permanently lethargic about life.

“I don’t know, I’m just tired of fighting with myself. I thought I had everything down but since talking to Ashton I feel like maybe I don’t.”

“What do you mean?” Calum asks, turning the console off completely and scooting closer.

“Like, I was sure Ashton and I giving things a chance would make me feel better but I don’t know, I’m worried I let him win.”

“Luke, don’t be silly.” Calum reassures, rubbing at Luke’s shoulder.

“I know it’s silly but it I feel like I’m already caving all the time. What else am I going to let him get away with?”

“You’re overthinking.” Michael butts in, squeezing in between Luke and Calum. He throws the arm not carrying his beer around Luke’s shoulder. “You like him Luke. There’s nothing wrong with that. Yeah, he dealt with this badly, but he likes you and right now that’s all you need. Tonight is a fresh start okay? Stop dwelling.”

“Michael’s right. Despite your worrying when you and him are texting you’ve got this stupid smile on your face, he makes you happy Luke. That’s more than a good place to start.”

He knows they’re right. He knows that the feeling in his belly is more than a sign that Ashton’s attention means something to him that no one else’s has in a long time. They’ve text back and forth nonstop since Monday evening when Ashton, as promised, text him only an hour after he’d left. It’d been much sooner than Luke expected so Luke didn’t see the text for another hour after, but ever since Luke couldn’t believe the lengths Ashton was going to to make up for lost time. 

Luke had gotten good morning and good night texts that made him blush to his chest, pictures of Ashton’s dog every other hour once Luke had told Ashton he missed his dog Molly at home. Luke felt like a kid at Christmas who’d been surprised with his entire list. It didn’t stop Luke feeling like he was letting a good thing cover the bad things that had occurred. He didn’t want to fall for the boy, think that maybe this was it, the _real thing he’s been looking for_ just because Ashton had clicked his fingers and decided he was ready.

“Start slow.” Calum reminds Luke when he gets lost in his head again. He whispers the next part. “No one’s talking about soulmates. I know it’s important to you but don’t let it take you headfirst, you don’t want to be disappointed. Not that you will be. Take it easy and don’t worry, is all I’m trying to say.” Luke nods, agreeing and takes a gulp of his beer.

\---

Luke doesn’t drink more than two beers then shares another half with Michael, primarily because he doesn’t want to embarrass himself which seems to have become a common occurrence. By the time they’ve stopped messing around, they’re kind of late as Ashton had said 9 is a good time to turn up. Luke rushes them out of the house after calling a cab to which they share the fair, something they’ve become accustomed to over the years and slip into the venue before 10.

It’s kind of sad how quickly Luke spots Ashton. 

It’s okay though, because Ashton’s looking at him first, and the younger boy smiles shyly before ditching his friends to meet Ashton halfway. Ashton doesn’t waste any time, wraps an around and Luke’s waist and kisses his cheek and fuck if Luke isn’t melting into his side. 

“You’re just in time. This amazing band is playing, remember from that first gig we went to? They’re a really good band.” Luke remembers, nods because he seems to have forgotten how to control his tongue which is probably the alcohol too, but Ashton smiles reassuringly and takes Luke into the pit. It’s nice, they don’t have to talk as it’s so loud. The heat is making his head spin and it isn’t helping that he’s a little tipsy, so he sinks even further into Ashton’s side. Even though Ashton’s slightly shorter he holds Luke like it’s his job, looks at him sweetly.

“Have you been drinking?” Luke nods causing Ashton to release a giggle, one Luke hasn’t heard since their walk on the beach that time and Luke’s so far gone. “You’re adorable.”

Before Luke can reply the band comes out and shouts fill the crowd but Luke knows his blush answers enough for him.

The band is good, incredible even, much better than Luke remembers but he wonders if that’s more to do with Ashton’s presence. Either way they free themselves and dance together stupidly, Luke all long limbs and Ashton jerky movements that make Luke howl with laughter that’s barely heard above the noise. Luke stares at Ashton, whose pupils are wide and his smile languid. He doesn’t think he’s seen him look more beautiful. 

By the time they pull away from the crowd, both Ashton’s arms looped around Luke’s waist from behind making them waddle awkwardly because they’re honestly too tall for it, and they’re sweaty but loose. Michael and Calum are on the edge, Michael’s teeth latched onto Calum’s ear and Luke can practically hear Calum purring from a metre away. They don’t notice him until the two are right in front of them but Luke doesn’t stop, walks past while shoving the two. “Get a room.”

“I could say the same from you two! Are you even coming home tonight Lucas? Remember what I said earlier?” And Luke blushes down to his toes even though Ashton probably can’t see in the hazy light, throws a middle finger in Michael’s direction. He pulls away from Ashton but grabs his hand, leads him outside the back area for smokers to get some air. He goes right to the end of the area so they aren’t in reach of the smoke and they’re easily hidden in the shadows, no one taking notice of them at all. 

Ashton crowds in on Luke who’s leaning against the wall, takes advantage of their hidden position and holds Luke’s hips into his hands. Luke breathes out a shuddery sigh because nothing is loose about the way he’s feeling anymore. He’d come out for air, his white tee shirt was sticking to his back uncomfortably but that’s swiftly becoming the last thing on his mind. He’s wired, he can feel how tense he is in his shoulders, and Luke knows Ashton reads it wrong because his face drops a little.

“Relax Luke.” Luke doesn’t reply, keeps breathing in and out because he’s worried he’ll forget to if he stops thinking about it.

“Am I making you uncomfortable?” All the while Ashton doesn’t stop tracing circles on Luke’s hip, looks down at his hand and back up to Luke’s face. The blonde boy tries to remember everything he told himself, about not being shy and being forthright and not feeling sorry for himself. 

“If uncomfortable is a synonym for hot then, yeah.” Ashton’s eyebrow raises, more in appreciation than surprise.

“I’m making you hot?” Ashton asks, and crowds in even closer. Luke’s breath hitches when he feels Ashton’s entire body press against his. “Pray, do tell.” 

Luke shrugs in an attempt to be casual but his heart is beating so, so fast. He’s almost positive Ashton can feel it. “You look good tonight.” Ashton does. His oversized button up sits on his shoulders so perfectly. Luke wants to wrap his arms around Ashton’s neck and never let go.

“You can talk. You need to wear white forever.” Luke smiles bashfully, averts his eyes.

“Yeah?” Ashton nods, pressing their foreheads together.

“Wanna get out of here?” He whispers, and Luke’s breath hitches for another reason. 

He’s scared, because leaving here means something, something that’s not taking it slow or easy, and being headfirst. Going home with Ashton is headfirst. Very headfirst.

“I-” Luke starts, doesn’t know what to say. His head and his heart and his body are saying entirely different things.

“Please.” Ashton asks, lips pressing to Luke’s neck and that’s not fair. “We don’t even have to do anything. I just wanna get out of here with you.” So Luke nods, lets Ashton lead the way out of the venue and knows Michael and Calum are somewhere watching, because they never miss things like this; it’s like they have a Luke radar. He’ll text them anyway, but that’s all forgotten when Luke gets pressed up against a car he hopes is Ashton’s. 

It’s all 90s teen movie, but it makes Luke heart race because Ashton is definitely going to kiss him, he can see it in his eyes and the way they keep dropping to his mouth, like they’re waiting, and it reminds him of that first gig when Luke caught Ashton staring at his mouth. It’s the exact same face, and Luke hates that they’ve wasted so much time.

That’s all forgotten too because Ashton presses in closer, and Luke’s eyes automatically slip shut when their mouths touch. Ashton’s lips are soft as silk, and it’s not fireworks or sparks or anything ethereal but it’s different to anything Luke’s experienced. It’s warmth and heat that fills him up, all the holes that Luke’s needed to filling for so long. They haven’t even done anything and Luke’s never felt more complete. 

He opens his mouth without any coaxing, and Ashton dives right in with his tongue, gentle but leads the way and it has Luke absolutely melting. His knees almost give way so Ashton holds his waist tight enough to bruise, and Luke realises he’d let Ashton have anything he wants in the damn world.

“Ash.” Luke breathes out when he pulls away, and Ashton smirks, dives in to suck sweetly on Luke’s neck and Luke groans gently, feels stirring in his jeans. He hopes it leaves a mark. “Want you Ash, please.”

“Ash huh?” Ashton pulls away, doesn’t break eye contact even as he walks around to get into the driver’s seat.

“Shut up,” Luke says, too hot already to get flustered, and follows Ashton into the car. He doesn’t take his eyes off the road once he starts driving, and despite his concentration Luke gets a little worried at the speed Ashton’s coasting at. It isn’t even 15 minutes by the time Ashton parks up outside a modest looking apartment building down a quiet road. Ashton pulls the break up, immediately lets his hands reach up and tangle in Luke’s hair, and Luke follows the hand when Ashton caresses his neck. 

“Can’t wait to see you underneath me.” Luke doesn’t get a chance to whine his reply before they’re getting out of the car, and Ashton’s climbing stairs. Luke takes them two at a time, keeping himself right behind Ashton, and the boy laughs at Luke’s antics before dragging him into a door with a number Luke’s too wired to read.

“Don’t you lock the door?”

“We forget sometimes.” Luke wants to frown because that really isn’t safe, but he’s pushed into the wall so hard a frame slightly right of his head falls off the wall. He hears the glass crack. 

Ashton looks down before frowning. “Well Jess is gonna flip.”

“You live with Jess?” Ashton looks like he Luke’s speaking another language, shakes his head like he should know.

“Yeah?”

“Didn’t realise.” Ashton shrugs like it’s trivial and in the grand scheme of things it is; instead he pulls Luke further into house. It’s too dark though and Luke can’t see a thing so he carefully follows Ashton to avoid breaking anything else.

They’re in a different room now, Luke can tell because there’s a little bit of light that comes through the curtain to illuminate the room. He assumes it’s Ashton’s bedroom but he doesn’t have time to check before Ashton stops, lets his hands slip down to Luke’s ass. Luke’s breathing turns heavy rapidly, the anticipation hitting him and he feels everything to his bones.

“Is this okay?” Ashton persists, bumping his nose with Luke’s. “I need you to say it’s okay.”

“I thought we weren’t doing anything,” Luke smirks, and Ashton returns it pulling at the hem of Luke’s shirt. Luke lifts his hands, goes straight to unbutton Ashton’s oversized shirt and slips it over his shoulders to find nothing underneath. Luke’s hands stroke at the firm plates of Ashton’s chest, almost disbelieving because his body is incredible, delectable and Luke can’t say no to this.

“Luke?”

“It’s okay.” Luke breathes, and he takes Ashton down onto the bed he feels behind his knees, pulls the boy on top so Ashton’s between his spread legs. “How do I look underneath you?” Ashton gasps a breath and it’s the first time Luke’s seen him look effected by anything he’s done.

“Amazing.” Luke quirks an eyebrow, presses his lips to Ashton’s jaw and kisses down his neck, letting his tongue slip every few kisses.

“Only amazing?” Ashton pulls his head up by his hair, and Luke moans properly for the first time.

“Fucking amazing.” The older boy’s wet hot mouth his back on his, bottom half pressing and Luke is so weak for the boy above him he’s going to scream. The kiss is so searing Luke can’t breathe, he’s desperate for anything now and needs Ashton’s hands on him so he arches into the body above him. 

Ashton’s getting ridiculously hard, so much so Luke whines in surprise, feeling himself follow Ashton’s body as he starts to rock against him. They’re still in their jeans, and it takes Luke no time to get too warm to keep them on any longer. His hands slip down to Ashton’s button but he ends up palming the boy through his jeans, eliciting a strangled moan that’s music to Luke’s ears.

“Get these off. Now, please.” Ashton doesn’t even fight it, takes his jeans off surprisingly quickly and then proceeds to take Luke’s off too. Luke doesn’t even get a choice, Ashton drags his boxers down too and Luke has to look away when he sees the intensity in Ashton’s eyes. Ashton looks up, hazel eyes desperate to find Luke’s blue one’s.

“Tell me what you want.” Ashton asks, running his hands gently over Luke’s thighs. Luke’s breath is hard and panting now but he can’t even find it in himself to be embarrassed.

“I want you.” But Ashton shakes his head, lets his hand ghost over Luke’s cock which is so hard it’s leaking now, shiny wet at the tip and he watches happily as Luke writhes under the touch, forgets to breathe.

“Not enough Luke, I wanna hear you.” Ashton’s still in between Luke’s legs, and Luke tries to buck up because needs contact, needs anything but Ashton’s not indulging him. Even in this situation Ashton’s still got the upper hand. Luke doesn’t even care anymore. 

“I want you to touch me.” Ashton nods, lets his hands roam Luke’s hips where he presses his fingers in hard like he already knows Luke likes that, pulls Luke’s body as close to his as it can get. Luke’s arms reach up to Ashton’s shoulder, grip hard enough to leave crescent moon shapes on top of freckles and for a second Luke wonders if he can get Ashton to fuck him so rough he’ll cry.

“Yeah, how?” And finally Ashton’s hand wraps around Luke’s throbbing cock, and Luke all but mewls into the soft grip, slick already because Luke’s so, so hard. He fucks up into Ashton’s fist but his hand isn’t really moving, and he’s going to die if he doesn’t get proper contact soon.

“Anyway, anywhere, don’t care.” Ashton takes mercy now, properly starts to move, grip and speed changing until he finds what Luke likes, the slight flick of the wrist right at the tip and a small squeeze when he reaches the bottom. Luke is so wound up already, doesn’t need much more before he knows he’ll be coming all over himself and Ashton’s hand. He can’t wait.

“God Luke, look at you. You look incredible. Wish you could see yourself.” Luke’s arm goes to reach for the headboard as he whimpers over Ashton words because that’s all he wants, to be good for Ashton. He’s holding the wood tight so he can get a solid rhythm going, Ashton barely moving and letting him do the work. He doesn’t really care, knows he must look pretty if Ashton’s hungry eyes are anything to go by. 

Luke starts to speed up, really going for it, and Ashton moans as he slips down a bit lower, leans on his arm so he can grind himself up against Luke’s leg. Luke wants to whine but he holds it in, biting at his lip ring like it’s his last shred of life.

“I can’t hear you. Don’t close up on me.” And that’s it for Luke because he’s spilling all over himself and Ashton’s fingers, breath hitching so hard he chokes a bit. He’s sure he hasn’t come so hard and so abruptly since he was 14, and his entire body is vibrating to the point he feels it inside his head.

“Fuck.” He whispers, panting weakly as he waits for his heart rate slows down. He watches as Ashton wipes his hands on the sheets below, and Luke pulls the covers forward to wipe at his stomach too.

“Yeah, _fuck._ ” Ashton is still grinding against his leg, and it’s so hot and wet that Luke’s dick twitches in interest but he’s so sated he knows he doesn’t have a chance. He turns as best he can without interrupting Ashton, whimpering weakly when he sees Ashton’s mouth hung open, hips moving faster and faster with each thrust. He lets his hands trace Ashton’s lower stomach, a weak moan leaving the older boy’s mouth before he takes his cock in his grip. It’s the first time Luke’s touched it, and he feels a jolt of electricity run through his body because Ashton’s this hard and wet for him. It makes a new confidence run through him, and he wastes no time moving both his hands up and down experimenting like Ashton did, punching sweet groans out of the curly haired boy.

“What do you want Ash. Anything, I’ll give you anything.” Luke kind of wants Ash to ask to fuck him so he can feel long fingers in his ass that he knows will make him scream and he wants Ashton to fuck him even more senseless than he already feels. He knows it’s probably not the best idea though, too much too soon, but it doesn’t stop him from thinking it. He whimpers, and Ashton’s head lifts up but his eyes drop to what Luke knows is his hot pink swollen mouth. He bites at his lip ring as his squeezes his hands up slightly when he reaches Ashton’s tip, and Ashton breathes out a shaky breath, body jerking.

“I’m so close.” Ashton whines like he doesn’t know what to do, body arching into Luke’s touch. Luke’s never felt so in control in his entire life, watching sweat drip down Ashton’s forehead. He wants to lick.

“Wanna come on my stomach?” Ashton’s hips are properly fucking into Luke’s fist now, his hands so wet with precum and the hottest thing Luke’s ever seen. “What about my chest? Or face?” Ashton whines like he doesn’t understand, and Luke doesn’t know where his filthy mouth came from either. “What about in my mouth? Want me to suck your orgasm out of you?” Ashton gasps, nods his head pushes Luke’s hands off his like he’s too close for comfort.

Luke flips himself on the bed, goes down. He wants to get Ashton off as quickly as possible. Ashton watches him, closes his eyes but Luke flicks at his inner thigh, sucks at the spot he hit. “Watch me,” and takes the head of Ashton’s cock into his mouth. The curly haired boy cries out, hips jerking, and Luke barely makes it halfway down before Ashton’s releases hot spurts into his mouth. Luke feels odd for missing this feeling, he hasn’t done it often but he loves the feeling of Ashton coming down his throat, swallows the entire thing down. He hopes it’s not long before he can do it again. Luke sucks the last of it out of him until Ashton pushes at his shoulder and Luke pops off with a grin.

“You’re going to ruin me Luke.” Ashton isn’t even smiling, simply staring the boy, but Luke feels like gold under the attention. He’s tired now and doesn’t think anything off it when he pulls the sheets back more, mindful of the wet patch, and climbs into the bed. Ashton doesn’t follow for a good minute and Luke should think more of that but he’s tired, sleepy from the alcohol that’s almost gone and the black spots still behind his eyes. Luke makes grabby hands behind him until Ashton follows, and pushes himself back into the boy’s naked body. It’s barely two minutes before he’s sound asleep, unaware of Ashton wide awake behind him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is the first boyboy scene i've written in forever sklgjkdjg i'll probably update tomorrow again and maybe once in the week but i'm afraid it'll be another weekish before any proper updates bc i have work :( i'm sorry i know this is so close to being done but i wanted you to know! i love you all, come catch up on [tumblr](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/) and please subscribe/comment/kudos!


	16. Fifteen: The look on your face when I let you go.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's 6am and I don't even know what this story is anymore, mistakes are all mine bc what is proof reading

_All the rest of my crimes don't come close  
To the look on your face when I let you go_

Luke should think more of it when he wakes up Ashton isn’t there, but he slips in an out of sleep for another 15 minutes before he sits up, stretching his limbs. He frowns because he doesn’t really want to get up yet, definitely doesn’t want to put on clothes, so he grabs a blanket sat right on the edge of the bed and wraps it around himself. He’s a little annoyed, he’d have liked Ashton to be by his side so he could snuggle up to him for morning cuddles, maybe have Ashton coax another high out of him. It would have been a nice morning.

He’s about to open the door, but remembers Jess lives here too, and he really doesn’t want an awkward encounter so early in the day. He turns back around, searches for his jeans to find his phone but the battery’s run out and there’s no clock in the room. Luke sighs, accepting defeat so he softly opens the door, pokes his head out. Immediately he’s met with a surprisingly nice open plan room, kitchen in the corner and dark grey sofas in the middle, and Ashton is sprawled out opposite Jess, laughing about something Luke’s probably just missed. 

The laughter cuts short though, and Jess gives them both a knowing look but doesn’t say anything. Neither does Ashton actually, who refuses to make eye contact with Luke longer than a second or two. His hands are running down his jogger covered thighs repeatedly. This only makes him frown deeper, but Luke’s still hazy with sleep.

“Ash, what are you doing?”

“Just hanging with Jess.” Luke nods, smiles at Jess and waves as best he can still hidden behind the door and blanket draped over his shoulders. 

“Oh, okay. Come back?” It’s only a suggestion, but it isn’t one Luke expects debating with. Luke doesn’t really expect anything else, even if Ashton had woken up early and went to sit with Jess that’s okay, Luke isn’t possessive like that. However, Luke is a guest and after last night he doesn’t really know why Ashton would want to be anywhere else anyway. He certainly doesn’t.

“In a little.” Ashton shrugs, like Luke’s suggestion isn’t worth the acknowledgement.

“In a little.” Luke repeats, nods slowly and goes back into the room. He doesn’t shut the door, wants to hear what they’re talking about that’s so important, but Luke doesn’t want to be alone either. He’s got a sinking feeling that’s sitting in his chest, because he’s seen this behaviour before.

It’s another 15 minutes of Luke snooping about Ashton’s room, looking at the drumkit set up in the corner, the vinyls and novels on the shelving unit and the posters on the wall. He’d known Ashton’s taste was similar to his own but it’s nice to see it in physical form. That fondness only lasts for about a minute before Luke’s plain annoyed at Ashton, practically raging. He needs to pee, so he pulls on his boxers this time, isn’t really fussed about Jess because there’s no way he doesn’t know what they’ve done now, and leaps through the door.

“Where’s the bathroom?”

“Second door on the right.” It’s Jess that replies, and Luke can’t even find it in himself to be angry at Ashton anymore. He’s only angry at himself. Ashton has sunk even lower down on the sofa, more comfortable, looking less and less like he’s going to move.

Luke doesn’t even spare him a look when he’s done, goes back into the room and shuts the door. He’s so confused, doesn’t know if he should leave or wait, doesn’t know what Ashton wants from him and can’t even ask because he won’t give him a second of his time. He climbs under the sheets again, exhausted as he curls up and pulls the duvet right under his chin.

Luke sighs shakily just as the door opens, and Ashton comes back in and gapes at Luke like he’s never seen him before. Luke’s been told before that he looks exceptionally pretty first thing in the morning when the sun streams in and he’s glowing gold, but Luke’s not sure that’s why Ashton’s looking at him like that. He thinks he can see something snap in Ashton’s eyes. Luke’s not going to be the first to talk so he waits, stares uncaringly because Ashton won’t even look at him now anyway.

“So, um, last night was cool.” Luke doesn’t flinch or discern the fact that ‘cool’ doesn’t mean ‘cool’ anymore; it’s what you use when you can’t be bothered to find anything better. It’s nonchalant. He waits, but Ashton seems to be done and he scoffs before moving further up on the bed.

“Cool.” Luke retorts, because he can’t think of anything else to say that isn’t an endless list of profanities.

“Yeah.” Ashton’s voice cracks a little, and he has the decency to look a little embarrassed. Luke’s doesn’t even find it cute.

“Okay. _Cool_.” Luke is getting angrier and angrier that Ashton sounds so uninterested, so dismissive like Luke’s no one. It’s making Luke grind his teeth. 

“So um, I don’t know what you want to do, feel free to like, leave or-” Luke’s eyebrows shoot up so high that he has to laugh to diffuse his surprise.

“I can leave?” He mocks, and Ashton’s maybe starting to tell that despite his laugh Luke’s not amused in the slightest.

“I was going to offer to make breakfast, I guess?”

“You guess? Last night was cool?” Luke’s so disbelieving now, doesn’t think there’s a point trying to hide it. “Try maybe ‘we should do it again sometime’, at least?” Luke is desperate to make a joke of this because it’s going steadily downhill but Ashton looks away, doesn’t even laugh. He almost seems small the way he’s turned away but Luke’s absolutely fuming at this point, rips the duvet back and starts pulling on his clothes.

“Luke please,” Ashton starts, and Luke’s heart pulls when he hears the desperation in his voice. But Ashton’s too puzzled, even more so than Luke was. Luke was never confused about his feelings for Ashton though, that was never the problem. Luke’s finally starting to realise that maybe Ashton’s not a dick, he’s just not on the same page.

“The least you could have done was tried. I’m not asking for a fucking prenup, breakfast wouldn’t hurt. Staying with me until I woke up on a strange bed wouldn’t have hurt.”

“I asked?” Ashton says it like that’s enough, his poor attempt to offer breakfast after offering for Luke to _leave_ first, and it’s so unbelievable Luke’s having problems processing.

“And I asked you to come back to bed.”

“Luke, I’m trying, it’s just so fast”

“Ashton. Stop talking.” Luke looks in the mirror, ruffles his hair to make it look less like he hasn’t been home for the night but nothing can help the bed hair. He’s so frustrated he doesn’t think before he says “it wasn’t fast when you were begging me to come home with you yesterday.”

Ashton’s entire face turns red, and Luke wants to laugh because he’s clearly hit a nerve. “Luke.” He says, and it’s weak like he’s breathless. Luke absolutely loses it.

“Stop it, stop saying my name like you’re some victim? Stop making me feel guilty! I’m sick of this dancing around each other, you know how I feel about you! What is this for you?” Ashton doesn’t try and say anything this time and Luke rolls his eyes. “Whatever.” 

“I’m trying Luke, I swear. It’s hard for me.”

“Oh, of course it’s hard of you Ashton, constantly getting your feelings thrown back in your face and told the morning after you slept together that the night before was cool, so hard for you.” There’s something in Ashton’s face that cuts him off, and he sighs, cupping Ashton’s face with his hands to get him to look him in the eye. “I can’t believe what you’re saying if you don’t tell me Ash. You need to talk to me. Tell me why it’s hard.”

Ashton looks at him before pulling away, turning his face to the door. “At least let me take you home.” Luke scoffs so loud Ashton flinches.

“Take m- are you serious?” Ashton doesn’t move. “I’ll walk. Thanks.” Luke doesn’t wait for Ashton’s response, throws the door open and doesn’t even say bye to Jess who’s trying to look like he’s not there anyway.

\---

Luke throws open the door the Michael and Calum’s room, doesn’t even care that they’re blatantly naked under the duvet. “What time are your flights?”

“Luke,” and Calum’s got that ‘calm down’ voice on, and Luke doesn’t want to be calm, can’t be calm because he needs out. The entire walk home allowed him to process on his own for half an hour and now he needs his head to be quiet. He’ll get quiet when he’s out of New Zealand.

“What time are you flights on Saturday?” He tries again, laptop in hand and he flips the top open. 

“12pm” Luke squeezes onto the bed by Michael, logs into his flights account and books the tickets right there in the space of 5 minutes. He closes the laptop without a word, curls into Michael’s side and lets the two boys stroke his hair and draw circles on his back.

“You can’t keep running away Luke.” Calum whispers, and it’s not a taunt or an ‘i-told-you-so’. Luke knows they’re worried but he doesn’t answer, lets himself sync up their breaths until he falls into fitful asleep. He dreams about a silhouette in the darkness who never gets their imprint and wonders if maybe he’s dreaming about himself.

\---

Luke’s not surprised when Ashton shows up at his doorstep unannounced. Isa lets him in he suspects, he can see because they have a little bit of conversation right by the glass doors, and even from with far away he is Luke can see how easily he charms her over. She’s smiling freely, like she’s comfortable, and Luke tries to keep from scoffing because he’s got a student in front of him who’s really struggling with getting from a G chord to a C chord, and that’s his biggest priority right now. 

Ashton still comes into the garden, and Luke’s so distracted by his presence sitting on the patio scrolling through his phone that he tells her she can have a break which she happily accepts. She runs past Ashton and into the house where Luke suspects she’ll head for the candy bowl and complain to Isa how bad she is, and Isa will remind her that she’s got the best teacher in the world. Luke always blushes when his students retell the story to him.

The younger boy places the guitars down on the grass, breathes deeply and forces himself to get this over with. He’s going to meet Calum and Michael soon at the beach, because tonight is their last night in NZ so they’re heading into the town to celebrate the end of their trip. He doesn’t know how he’s going to tell Ashton. He’d only told Alex an hour ago and that had ended so badly Luke’s not sure where they stand anymore. Even though Luke tries to convince him otherwise, Alex knows it has everything to do with Ashton. It seems Luke’s going to be leaving NZ with the same amount of friends he arrived with.

Luke doesn’t waste time though, because he’s still upset and doesn’t really want Ashton around. Tyler will be back to practice soon and she’s still got another hour, so he tells Ashton this.

“Okay,” is all Ashton replies, and Luke stays standing, waiting for Ashton to make the next move.

“Ashton I don’t have time for this.” He’s exasperated already. 

“I wanted to apologise.” Luke lifts his arms and lets them slap back against his side mockingly.

“Great, apology accepted.” He goes to move back to the shade beneath the tree, because it’s blindingly hot today, and he’s got his snapback on forwards to shade his face.

“I don’t think you mean that.” Ashton throws back, and Luke turns back around. He’s vibrating, prickling under his skin and this is it, he might as well tell him.

“Well I have to.”

Ashton’s brows furrow together and Luke can’t find it cute, not anymore. “Why?”

“Because I’m going home tomorrow.” Ashton’s breath hitches, it’s quiet but Luke still hears it because it’s like the entire world has gone quiet, so that they can have the conversation, and Luke’s breathing is a little heavy now.

“You’re what?” Luke doesn’t want to repeat it, can’t make that look on Ashton’s face worse. “What do you mean you’re going home.”

“My flight is at 12. I’m going back wit-”

“Michael and Calum, right. Of course.” Luke doesn’t know what that’s supposed to mean. “Were you even going to tell me?” Luke shrugs because no, he probably wouldn’t have but he can’t say it out loud. “Don’t fucking shrug at me Luke.” 

Luke throws a laugh Ashton’s way but it’s on the cynical side. “Whoa, you don’t get to be angry.”

“Of course I get to be angry, you’re leaving. You’re leaving like everyone else.”

“What do you mean like everyone else? I don’t live here Ashton. I’d leave sooner or later.” Ashton shrugs and Luke absolutely hates that this has become their thing, shrugging at each other when there’s something they’re not quite ready to say, or can’t really put into words so they don’t even try. It’s a recipe for disaster and half the reason when they’re constantly on this seesaw of emotions, and Luke can’t do this forever. There’s no way this is the relationship you’re meant to have with your other half, Luke’s sure of that. Luke hates how sure he is of it.

“Yeah but I’m not ready for you to go.” 

Nothing is fair right now to Luke. The universe isn’t on his side, but it isn’t against him either. Luke doesn’t want his hopes up again, he wants to warn the older boy but it comes out desperate sounding. “Ashton.”

“What happens when Alex and Jack leave?” Luke ignores it, moves in close so their shoes are touching even though Ashton is still sitting down. He’s looking down, and Ashton is looking up and something in the air clicks.

“All you have to do is say it Ash.” Ashton shakes his head but stands up, immediately wraps a hand around the back of Luke’s neck. He presses his thumb to pink lips, toys with Luke’s lip ring. Luke kisses his thumb gently, there’s nothing sexual about it, and Luke thinks it’s a promise. “Just say it Ash, say it and I won’t go.”

“I can’t.” Ashton breathes. “You weren’t even going to tell me.”

“You haven’t messaged me since yesterday.”

“Neither have you.” Ashton is about to shrug, Luke can see it, so he lifts his hands to press down on his shoulders. 

“Talk to me.” Ashton doesn’t move, blows out a wobbly sigh and Luke can see how much this means to him, there’s no bone in his body that’s unsure anymore. “Are you not going to say it them?” Ashton takes his hand from Luke’s face, moves back and stares at the glass doors. “So what, that’s it? You’re going to leave? God, Ashton. It’s all fucking games with you. Why did you even come?”

“This isn’t a game Luke. It’s so hard.”

“Then talk to me Ash!” Luke’s desperate because this is it. If Ashton doesn’t say it, he’s on that plane tomorrow and back to Australia, and that makes everything final. 

He pulls Ashton back by his wrist, threads a hand through his curls and kisses him silly. It’s all teeth and wetness until Ashton slows Luke down, calms him with his tongue to the roof of his mouth. Luke can’t imagine not having this anymore, he needs it like he needs to breathe, but he pulls away because it’s nothing if Ashton can’t say it. “Tell me to stay.”

Ashton pulls back again completely, takes steps onto the patio. “I can’t.” It’s then that the door slides open, and Tyler skips out with her dress flowing. Luke steps back with a shaky breath and watery eyes, doesn’t even look at Ashton again. He leads Tyler by her hand back to the guitars and the shade of the tree. 

He doesn’t have to turn around to know Ashton’s gone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Why is this story so angsty I need a holiday? But I have to go to work now, I love and appreciate your comments and support so much. Plusss nearly 200 kudos?? Wtf I love you guys <3 find me on [tumblr](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/) you can shout at me there :)


	17. Sixteen: I know you fought for all we had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've rewritten this so many times :/ We're getting so close and I've known how I wanted this to end forEVER but I don't want it to be unnatural? I want this to be good for you guys :) but enjoy!

_Wouldn't it be nice, if it could've worked out right for us?  
I know you fought for all we had_

The countdown to Christmas files by Luke so quickly he doesn’t even try to keep up. He decides it’s best to spend his days at work until the holidays, and Harry is so happy to have him back after only a month that they throw a little bash to welcome him home. Luke can’t believe how much he’s missed Australia, how much his loved ones missed _him_. The familiar smell of coffee and the twinkle of fairy lights, tea made perfectly by his mum. It overwhelms him that he ever thought it would be a good idea to leave.

Luke’s parents don’t ask questions about his hasty decision to come home but he suspects they already know. They welcome him with open arms anyway, and his mum kisses his cheek every time he passes by. He’s missed her so much he doesn’t care.

Amongst the bustle and catch up to ordinary life, sometimes Luke thinks of how abruptly he left Auckland. Isa took it better than he thought; maybe a part of her could see things were falling apart for him. She’d always had a knack for understanding Luke and his way of dealing with his feelings, s the older woman quietly saw all three boys off with a kiss on their heads and a promise they’d return soon.

Alex didn’t take it so lightly. Luke couldn’t bring himself to tell his first friend until the day before he was leaving. It was shady, knowing he’d have no time to properly say goodbye and the younger boy realises in the long run that this choice was worse, cowardly, with the potential Luke may never actually see him again. Luke’s apologies were eventually accepted but his guilt over the whole situation was running him dry; Alex stopped trying to get replies out of Luke after excuses of being busy with work. They weren’t lies but they weren’t exactly truth either; both boys could see that.

Even though he’s happy to be back, Luke hates that he’s returned home feeling broken in so many different ways. Luke doesn’t want to talk about it, talk about _him_ , so he spends a lot of time making lists in his head. 1) Alex, the first person that took to him doesn’t want anything to do with him anymore. 2) The guy he’s falling for couldn’t bring himself to commit and ask Luke to stay. 3) Luke couldn’t get him to care for him enough to do so. 4) Luke went to New Zealand to find himself and came home even more lost. 5) Luke still doesn’t really know what he wants to do with himself, both in relation to forgetting and to his future. Now that they’re home the three of them can start taking the band more seriously, but Luke knows that’s not something he can expect to take off. He can count on one hand the number of decent lyrics he’s ever written. 

He doesn’t think he has much going for himself.

The only difference now is that Luke is tired. He’s spent so much of the last week winding himself up relentlessly until he couldn’t bear it in his own head anymore. He couldn’t handle the brooding, wishing for things to have been different with Ashton and more importantly that he hadn’t put so much faith in the hazel eyed boy. 

Luke’s at work when he realises this. He’s in the same, despondent daze he’s been in since his return, and Harry’s worried looks getting worse every day would bother him if he could find it in himself to care. He feels like he’s getting more and more rational (perhaps irrational to Michael and Calum) but he’s making sense of things as best he can. Even if that means him not caring anymore. If that’s what it takes to make him stop missing Ashton, he’ll do whatever will get him out of bed.

Despite this he’s still walking around with his head in his hands, pouty and blue, and Harry’s more than had enough.

“Luke, honestly, you’re driving me crazy. Liam we’ll be back.” Harry wastes no time in dragging Luke by the wrist into the back room after Liam’s nod and sweet smile, and Harry sits him down on a crate of coffee beans. Luke feels a bit like he’s being told off.

“Please, tell me what’s going on.” The younger boy knows he hasn’t filled Harry in, and even when he was away he didn’t make much effort to keep the boy in the loop. Of course he’s going to be worried when Luke comes back with shoulders slumped and tired eyes, and Luke feels a bit bad for not trying to do a better job of keeping his emotions in check at work.

“Sorry,” Luke apologises, but Harry shakes his head.

“I don’t want your apologies, I want to know why you’ve come back looking so sad.” 

It’s only now that Luke realises he hasn’t talked in depth about the situation with Ashton since that time with Michael almost a month ago. Luke wants to shrug, but even that response holds bad memories now. He sighs, defeated, because Harry’s not going to let him leave until he talks it out.

“I met this guy.”

“Oh.” Harry sighs as he understands and it hums through the air almost apologetic, like he should have caught on sooner. “Go on.”

“He’s perfect, Haz. He’s beautiful and has a smile that could light candles. He’s so warm, and funny, and so smart I could listen to him talk all day. I know he cares but.” Luke stops, because he doesn’t want to say it out loud. It’s like all the movies say, saying it out loud makes it real.

“But what?”

“He couldn’t ask me to stay.” Luke bits on his lip ring, fiddles for a bit as he tries to find the right words. “I asked him to tell me to stay and he couldn’t. Said it was ‘too hard’.” Luke laughs but it’s cynical, weak. “How could it be hard to just ask me to stay? I wish I could say that he didn’t care but I know he does and that’s what makes it harder. I don’t know what’s keeping him from being honest with me, telling me what’s making him like this.”

“So he gave you no reason?” Harry scoots closer, rubs Luke’s back comfortingly and it makes him relax into himself, fold his arms over his legs.

“Nothing. Too hard, is all.” Luke breathes carefully, doesn’t want to put anything into the world he can’t take back. “We slept together. Woke up and he wasn’t there and when he came back he told me it was cool. Cool, Harry. And I _lost_ it because he’d been so callous before but I gave him another chance. I know he’s it for me, I can feel it. But it sucks because I’d give him a thousand chances over if it meant I’d get to kiss him again.”

“Luke.” Harry sounds like he doesn’t know what to say. It’s the first time and Luke despises it, he needs his advice more than ever now.

“It sounds stupid, I know, but I made a fool of myself so many times for him. I tried to talk to him, and he’d give me these sad looks and pity invites, he’d ignore me in front of our friends. I didn’t do that for some fling. He’s worth it. He’s so fucking worth it and I wasn’t worth him asking me to stay.” It’s the first time Luke’s come to this conclusion, realising how much he’d given of himself to Ashton. It’s comforting being aware but it’s also disheartening. He feels like such an idiot.

“Oh Luke, of course you’re worth it. He’s an idiot if he can’t see how incredible you are.”

“I don’t know if he can’t see it.” Luke whispers. “I think he’s scared. He said he’s scared. I’m not worth him risking what he’s scared of. I don’t know what’s worse.”

“Is that why you left?”

“I didn’t want to deal with it anymore.”

“I know it’s not what you want to hear but I don’t think leaving helped. You have to let him know you understand how he feels. He’s not scared for no reason, and he’ll need your help.” Harry’s careful with what he says next, whispers it like he doesn’t want to startle Luke. “If he’s your soulmate he’ll need your help.”

Luke doesn’t respond to the latter part. “I don’t want to keep running back.”

“You’re the one who said he’s the one Luke. It’s not always easy. Just because everyone close to you had it easier doesn’t mean that’s the way it’ll be for you.” Luke breathes out shakily; that’s what he’s afraid of. “If he’s your soulmate, it’ll work out. But you have to want it. You know this Luke, it’s how this whole system works. You both have to want it.”

Luke nods but it’s confused. “I don’t know if I’m ready.” 

Harry rubs his back again before getting up. “Call him.” As he’s about to leave he turns around. “Also, how’s your sleeping been?”

“Fine, why?” Harry doesn’t say anything, just keeps looking at Luke until he realises. Luke hasn’t even _thought_ about it, how much sleep used to contest him. He hasn’t had a problem with sleeping since, well, since he met Ashton.

Harry shrugs and pulls a face Luke can’t read. “Fate works in funny ways Luke.”

Luke isn’t quite sure he’d use the word funny. As soon as he’s had the talk with Harry, Ashton calls. Not only once. Over the period of the week Ashton calls around 10 times, and Luke’s almost sure there’s an emergency. He doesn’t know what emergency would involve him. Every time it stops ringing Luke wishes he’d picked up, wants to hear his voice again, but then when he calls hours later Luke finds himself frozen again. It’s a dangerous circle.

So of course he’s even more surprised when he gets a message from Alex claiming he’s coming down to Australia a couple of days after Christmas, so _don’t make plans because we’re spending a few days AND new year together AND we’re doing it properly_. Luke’s over the moon, elated that he gets to see someone he’d easily classify as one of his best friends again, and maybe some of the other guys too, Jack will definitely come and maybe even Will. Luke wonders if that’s why Ashton’s been calling.

Luke knows for a fact that Alex is aware of his primary reason for leaving. He’d hinted at it more than once over the last few weeks, trying to coax information out of Luke that Luke was still too raw to share.

Even when Luke finally finds time to sit down and call Alex, he doesn’t really know what he’s ready to talk about.

“Luke!”

“Hey Alex.” Luke feels shy because they haven’t spoken on the phone for a while, and the last time they did it ended awkwardly, Luke feeling a bit like he’d betrayed the older boy. But Alex sounds like he’s either forgotten or is too excited to care from that one cheer of Luke’s name. He’s so glad they’re okay. “How are you?”

“Excited to come down to Australia, excited to see you!” Luke blushes instantly.

“Shut up.” He feigns toughness but both boys laugh into the phone. He’s missed this.

“I am. We are. It’s going to be crazy.” Luke doesn’t doubt it for a second. “We’re thinking of doing late Christmas?”

Luke hums in approval, he loves Christmas more than most. “Late Christmas?”

“Yeah, well mainly for me and Jack since we aren’t home to do it properly.” Automatically Luke sinks lower onto his bed, feels bad for not thinking about his friends. Alex and Jack are thousands of miles away from home, won’t get a proper Christmas if they’re still hostel and couch hopping. Guilt washes over Luke again as he wonders when he became such a bad friend.

“Dude. I’m so sorry I didn’t even think about that.” Luke wishes Alex was around so he could cuddle into his side. He misses their cuddles.

“Stop, it’s okay. We’re both not ready to go back, things are a little weird right now at home and I think we’re having such a good time here there’s no point in ruining it, you know? I can have just as good a Christmas here.” Luke nods even though he doesn’t understand how that’s possible. 

“Well you know you and Jack are totally welcome to come over to mine for Christmas right?” Luke knows he should ask his mum first but there’s no way she’d say no, and he can’t bear the thought of his two friends not having an actual Christmas.

“No way, we’re not gonna intrude like that Luke.” 

But Luke’s already trying to convince them. “It’s honest-”

“Luke, no. Either way we’ve already bought our tickets for the 27th. Is that okay for you? We really want you to be there. We’re staying with A- this friend of a friend? Um. Only the guy we’re staying with doesn’t really have the space for a hang, you know? We haven’t got too far with this.” Alex laughs awkwardly. Luke knows who he was about to say but he doesn’t dig, doesn’t ask further questions because he would rather stay oblivious.

“Well, if you want we can have it here. We’ll have a proper barbecue. I’m all for double Christmas.” Luke wants to do whatever he can to give his friends a good Christmas. He owes Alex so much. 

“Honestly?”

“Yeah.” Luke shrugs even though Alex can’t see him. “My parents would love to meet you guys.”

“That’d be so good.” Alex says, and Luke can hear the thanks in his voice. He can practically feel himself glowing with pride, knowing he’s done a good thing but Alex interrupts quickly. “Um, Luke. Can we talk about it?” 

Luke lets himself lie down completely on his bed, curls up because he knows this is going to be uncomfortable. He sighs weakly. “What do you wanna know?”

He can practically hear how tense Alex is. “Why did you leave?”

“Because he didn’t ask me to stay.” There’s no point wasting time beating around the bush. He kind of wants to stop talking about it.

“He was such a mess when you left, Luke. I’ve never seen him like this.” Luke pointedly ignores the fact that Alex used present tense. “I don’t know, wasn’t there a better way you guys could have dealt with this?”

“I don’t know.” Luke knows Alex is hinting at his abrupt decision to leave, but he doesn’t know what better way there would have been to deal. Running away isn’t ideal but it’s always worked.

“Okay. Well, are you okay?”

“I’m dealing.” There’s a pause like Alex is waiting for more. He sighs when Luke doesn’t elaborate.

“Okay. That’s good. At least one of you is.”

“Alex.” Luke’s more than finished with this conversation.

“I’m not trying to start anything. I want you to know. He’s lost himself since you left. I don’t even think he ever had you but he knows what he’s missing out on, I guess.” Alex has good intentions, Luke knows, so he lets his shoulders relax. “He says you won’t return his calls. Maybe you should answer sometime.”

“Why?”

“He might have something to tell you.” Luke doesn’t get a chance to ask more, like what he could possibly have to say that Alex hasn’t mentioned. “Anyway, things to do! Thanks again for letting us hang when we come down, we’ll talk soon!” 

Luke wonders if phone calls can be physically draining, lets himself fall asleep anyway soon after he hangs up.

\---

The world is definitely against Luke. Ashton leaves the first and only voicemail after over a week of calling. 

_“Hi, Luke. It’s Ash. I know we didn’t end on the best of terms, but I miss you. I miss you so fucking much and I didn’t know I would. We didn’t spend much time together, and I regret that now that you’re gone. Please, call me back when you’re ready. I won’t call again. But I think I’m ready to talk. You leaving, it made me realise. I can’t keep running away. Especially from a good thing like you, Luke. I’m ready to stop running.”_

Luke ignores that his eyes are watery with tears, calls in sick at work and listens the voicemail over and over.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I've started the next chapter which will almost definitely be up tomorrow, I think this'll be done by sunday/monday :O come at me [cashtens](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/) :) kudos and comments make me so happy <3
> 
> also tf 40k? how did this get so long??


	18. Seventeen: Powerless, and I don't care it's obvious.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> it took me 5k of words and too many late nights to get this how i wanted it, i hope you're not disappointed!

_I can't contain this anymore  
I'm all yours, I got no control, no control  
Powerless, and I don't care it's obvious_

It’s Christmas in two days and Luke’s doing his last shift before his week off work. He’s been so caught up in his least favourite past time of _buying presents_ that he hasn’t really had time to think about a boy he’s not completely over leaving him voicemails.

When he has had a spare minute or two, it’s definitely all he’s thinking about.

He’d had no intention of telling Michael and Calum about the voicemail, but he’d also been pining again, sitting in his room while the two boys were downstairs having lunch his mum had made, and they’d barged in while he was listening to it for the 200th time. He didn’t even bother trying to hide it, just replayed it again as they sat beside him and rubbed his back. Luke hadn’t cried much if at all, but he felt like even if he’d wanted to none would be any left. He feels more than drained.

It’s clear he’s tired from the lethargic way he’s taking the next order, but alarm bells start ringing when he realises what Alex by Ashton might have something to tell him. It wasn’t mentioned in the voicemail. Luke thinks it definitely should have been.

The first thing he notices is that a teenage girl walks into the shop, followed by a boy slightly younger than her. He’s still serving the customer, so Luke only sees them walk in through his peripheral vision. The second thing he notices is that the boy stops still a little short after (who Luke now knows) is his sister. The third thing he notices is his name being called.

After wishing the older lady a nice day and to come back soon, Luke turns to his left. 

He hopes his mouth doesn’t drop open as wide as it feels. He doesn’t know how else his body could possibly react to seeing the younger Harry standing there, looking a lot more excited than Luke currently feels. Luke doesn’t feel excited. He feels as if he’s missed himself stepping into a hole in the floor and being sucked into an alternate universe. This part of his life isn’t supposed to be here in Australia. He’s still trying to run away from that part.

“Harry. Hi.” Luke’s breathing has gone a little funny, and the girl Harry’s with gives him a weird look.

Harry’s bouncing on his feet. It’d be cute if Luke wasn’t having palpitations. “What are you doing here?”

Luke scoffs with surprise but hides it with a cough. He can’t take any feelings he has out on Harry. It’s nothing to do with him, and if anything he was always a good student for Luke. He misses it in a weird way. “I could ask the same about you!” He tries to sound enthusiastic but he sounds closer to strangled. He needs to sit down.

“We’re home visiting Nana for Christmas!” Luke knew they used to live in Sydney but he’s startled Harry still refers to it as home.

“Home?” The girl looks at him funny again even though she still hasn’t said a word. He feels a bit like he’s being analysed so he breaks eye contact and looks back to Harry.

“Yeah, we used to live in Sydney! But it’s still home, we’re gonna come back soon.” Evidently Harry doesn’t know Luke knows all of this already, but he nods anyway to avoid anything awkward. It’s too late for that, because the girl is looking at Luke with a new fire in his eyes like she _knows_ who he is.

“So, um, is… Ash?” He looks between the two in front of him, hoping they’ll catch on to what he’s asking. He doesn’t even know what he’s asking. The girl tilts her head before she opens her mouth.

“Yes, Ashton is here.” It’s almost mocking and Luke is definitely afraid. “He’s on the phone outside.”

“I. Right. Okay. Um. I’ll be back.” He hears her shout about ordering drinks but Luke doesn’t think he can walk right now let alone make a drink.

“Harry.” Luke surprises himself by how panicked he sounds. “Please, can you take over? I can’t be out there.”

Harry rushes over to Luke, and it only makes him panic more. He’s making a big deal of this, and it’s a big deal to him but on wider scale he really does need to calm down. “What’s up? Is it a customer? Do I need to call someone?”

“No, no, I- it’s a customer but.” Luke lost every single ability to speak, he doesn’t even know where to start. “He’s here.”

“Who’s here Luke?” Harry grabs Luke to look at him properly, and Luke sees realisation click like a light switch. “Ashton?”

“He’s here? I didn’t see him but his siblings are here and they said he was outside and I can’t bear to serve him coffee like I haven’t been ignoring his calls for the last month.” Luke’s pacing now, can’t keep still if he even tried. 

The thought of Ashton being so close makes his heart soar, and he hates it because he’s supposed to be upset; being in closer proximity shouldn’t change anything but it does. It changes everything. Harry confirms this for him, reaching as he says, “you need to talk to him Luke. Maybe this is a sign.”

“Sign? Sign of what? The world hating me?” Luke’s laugh chokes half way through, and he’s more than distraught. Harry sits him down, rubs his arms soothingly but Luke’s breathing is still erratic. “What are the chances of him walking into this coffee shop in the whole of Sydney?”

“Maybe it’s a sign.” Harry repeats quietly, but goes out with a pat to Luke’s back to make drinks for the new line of people that have showed up. For _Ashton_.

Luke doesn’t see Harry for another ten minutes. When the long haired boy finally makes his way back in, he’s quiet for a bit, goes back to check stock. Luke’s breathing is a little steadier now, but he’s still so scared of what’s waiting for him outside.

“He knows you’re here. Harry? Harry told him.” Luke nods, would laugh at Harry’s confusion over saying his own name. He didn’t expect the younger boy not to tell Ashton; he doesn’t know any better.

“Should have seen the look on his face when I walked out. He was so desperate for it to be you Luke. Please, go and talk to him. I promised him I’d try and get you-”

“Shouldn’t be making promises to him Harry.” Luke wants to finish the sentence with something harsher, but his hearts not in it. He’s so scared.

“Fate works in funny ways Luke. He didn’t walk in here for no reason.” He kind of hates how much Harry repeats himself, hates how he’s right too. “Mates apparently always find their way home.”

Luke doesn’t want to hear about _mates_. He definitely can’t deal with soulmate talk right now. “Don’t.”

“Luke, I care about you, but I can’t have you sit in here for the rest of your shift. So it’s either you go out there or you go home. Whether or not you talk to Ashton, I can’t make that decision for you. But you need to do something.” Luke knows Harry’s not being horrible, but he feels a bit like he’s been punched in the gut. Harry knows more than most that sometimes that’s what Luke needs.

Luke tries to ignore his rushing thoughts, pushes through the swinging door with a little more force than necessary, and Ashton’s head shoots up from his phone in surprise. Luke definitely thinks that’s cheating, standing by the counter and waiting. But that thought slips his mind so quickly, because Ashton’s standing right there, looking beautiful as ever in a tight fitting black long sleeve shirt, black jeans snug and Luke can almost bet he’s got those black boots on he lived in back in New Zealand. His sunglasses are pushing soft hair back from his face. Luke wants to hit own his chest for betraying him like this, his heart is racing so fast. It’s been so long, over a month since he’s seen Ashton and he feels how much he’s missed him right down to his toes.

“Luke.” Ashton breathes his name out like a prayer, and Luke definitely doesn’t feel his knees wobble.

“Ash. Hey.” It’s nothing above a whisper but they’re in their own bubble. Luke can hear each of Ashton’s individual breaths. They’re silent for a long time, and Luke doesn’t have a clue how this is going to play out.

“I, you didn’t return my calls.” The younger boy doesn’t really know what Ashton expects him to reply. He stays quiet instead, nods when the silence gets too long again. “Did you at least get my voicemail?”

“Yeah.” Luke whispers, and Ashton nods, doesn’t take his eyes away from Luke’s face. He’s scanning him, over and over for a whole minute before Luke’s positive he’s blushed to his feet. Luke’s so aware of it on his skin he scowls. “What.”

“I don’t know.” Ashton’s smiling now, but it’s fond and a little fearful, and it sends the look right off Luke’s face. He did that to Ashton, made him fond. “Seeing you. It’s good. I thought I missed you before but. Really fucking missed you now.”

Luke doesn’t think he’s ever going to return to a normal colour, and he hates how easy it is for Ashton to charm him over. It’s like a nasty spell but he loves being under. He’s not going to make it two more seconds before he flings himself across the counter because even now, after all the heartbreak and all the nights spent cuddled into Calum or Michael’s side when he couldn’t sleep alone, he’s still so gone for Ashton.

“Can we talk? Please?” Ashton says, and Luke sighs. He hadn’t thought this far. Honestly, he thought he’d never see Ashton again.

“Ash.” The older boy comes as close to the counter as he can get, leans over and grabs one of Luke’s hands. Luke’s never been more grateful for non-existence early afternoon traffic for coffee.

“We don’t have to rush anything. I want to talk. I need to know where we stand.” When Luke doesn’t look convinced, Ashton continues. “I need you to know how I feel about you.” Luke purses his lips, breathes out as he feels his walls crumbling.

“What about them?” He tilts his head towards the younger Irwin’s, who are both pretending to look occupied but are obviously staring at the two. Luke blushes as he awkwardly catches Ashton’s sister’s eye.

Ashton looks at Luke like he’s not sure what the right answer is. “I can get them home. I don’t know, meet you-”

“Look, Ash.” Luke pulls his hand away, because it’s been too long since he’s seen Ashton for him to fall into his arms like this. He wants to, so bad, he probably will. But he’s still going to make Ashton work for it. “It’s Christmas eve tomorrow. Maybe you should spend the next couple of days with them, and with your Nana. Harry sounded excited.” 

“I don’t want to waste anymore time. I fucked up.” Ashton looks like Luke felt back in Australia. Like he needs this to turn around desperately. All Luke can think of is when he needed Ashton to say yes and he didn’t. Luke’s not going to say yes back yet. He needs a strong state of mind, and he’s willing to sacrifice a few days if it means that they’ll both come out of the end knowing what they wants.

Ashton’s about to argue back and Luke wonders when he started to read Ashton’s body language so well. “There’s time, Ash. We’ve spent a month apart. I can wait. We can wait.”

“I don’t want to. I can’t. Not now.” Ashton shrugs. This is the exact problem they’ve always had, communication, and Luke looks at Ashton silently until he finds words. “It’s different, now I’ve seen you. I know how I feel. I knew before, but I know now.” 

Luke’s so proud and his heart is soaring so high, but he tries to keep his cool even though he’s smiling like an idiot. “We’re having late Christmas at mine, I’m sure you know. Come so we can talk? Properly.”

Ashton looks like what Luke said isn’t really want he wanted to hear, and his smile falters. “I don’t want us to talk with our friends around.”

“I don’t want us to talk alone.” Both boys know what Luke means when he says that. They made it clear last time that talking alone doesn’t work. “We don’t have to rush anything.” Luke parrots, and Ashton nods. It’s a step closer.

\---

Luke doesn’t tell anyone about Ashton showing up. He blames his constant drifting and easily startled manner on being excited about Christmas and the New Year. No one believes him.

By the time Christmas is actually here, he’s drifting even further but now he’s smiling too, because in a few days he’s going to finally have what he’s always wanted. Luke’s excited, and more importantly Luke’s letting himself believe. No one can stand to be around him anymore because he’s like a puppy in love but no one knows who with. 

Michael and Calum who keep giving him these unimpressed looks and he thinks maybe they know, but he’ll save that for later.

\---

One thing Luke needs more than anything is for Ashton to stop being sneaky. 

The boy shows up an hour earlier than expected to Luke’s, and the younger of the two has only managed to shower. It’s so unexpected that Luke’s only got his underwear and a loose joggers on, thinking maybe it was one of his brothers and warmth rises up his neck so quickly he has to turn away. He doesn’t say anything as he lets Ashton close the door behind himself, and leads them up the stairs to his room since his parents are out.

“You’re early.” Ashton nods like he doesn’t think there’s anything wrong with it, sits down at Luke’s desk on the swivel chair. He looks like he wants to spin on it from the way he’s swinging from left to right.

“Thought we could talk.” Luke stares at Ashton, because he’s unbelievable and _sitting at Luke’s desk_. In his childhood room with no one home. He doesn’t look the slightest bit guilty, and it’s like everything Luke says goes through one ear and out of the other. Or maybe he’s ready to fight this time.

Luke didn’t even give Ashton his address.

He busies himself because he will no doubt combust if he thinks any harder. “I thought we’d talk when everyone else was here?”

“Doesn’t that defeat the purpose?” Ashton is shaking his head like he doesn’t understand. “Then we’ll be talking in a group.”

“Exactly?” Luke doesn’t know what he makes it sound like a question but it makes Ashton’s frown deepen. “I don’t trust us, Ashton. Look how it ended last time.”

“Luke.” And he’s already backing away to sit on his bed because he’s not falling for this again. At this point Luke’s not afraid anymore, but that doesn’t mean he isn’t going to take every precaution. They need to make this work, and going in headfirst like last time is a recipe for disaster.

“We have to start somewhere. We need to go slow.” Ashton guides the chair towards the bed with his feet, and Luke moves further back on the bed so Ashton can’t reach him. He pulls his knees to his bare chest, watches with wide eyes as Ashton comes closer. He needs to be honest though, needs Ashton to understand he means business. “Your voicemail. I, it sounded like you want to give this another shot.” He stops, reminds himself to breathe. “And I do too. But if we’re going to do this. I want to do it right.”

Ashton stops by the bed, grips onto Luke’s dark blue sheets until his knuckles go white. “I’ve missed you too much to do it wrong.” 

Luke knows Ashton can sweet talk him into anything, and it sucks because Ashton is aware of exactly what he needs to say. It’s not enough though, not when Luke reminds himself how rubbish he’s felt for the last few weeks, whose fault that was. He needs clarity and assurance that Ashton means it this time.

“Tell me what you want Ash.” Luke lets his hands drop from his knees, tries to make his body language open and attentive because he needs this. Ashton is here in his room, sitting in front of him with wide, wanting eyes and there’s no way the world didn’t make this happen, that this isn’t the work of the system. It’s fate, and he doesn’t for a second doubt it’s meant to be but he needs Ashton to say it. 

“Want you.” Luke shakes his head. It’s still not enough.

“Want me how, Ash? Wanting me wasn’t enough before. Why would it be now?” Luke knees drop too now, and his legs are so long they hang off the edge and bracket Ashton in the desk chair. Ashton’s hand immediately shoots out, large hand wrapping around Luke’s ankle, and Luke’s never thought he had small legs but they look so tiny in Ashton’s grip.

Ashton squeezes, doesn’t break eye contact and Luke thinks this might be the longest they’ve ever looked at each other. There’s nothing shy about this anymore. “I don’t want you.” Luke doesn’t even have time to register it before Ashton inhales quickly. “I need you. I need you to be mine and I need to love you and take care of you and kiss you whenever I want, because I’ve never felt like this about anyone. I thought I had, but I haven’t.”

Luke’s hands are shaking now. “Do you mean that?” 

He’s overwhelmed by the look Ashton’s giving him, frightened but honest and for the first time he believes that Ashton would probably do anything for him. It’s making his knees weak.

“I mean it. I want you to be mine. Mine only.” All the bloods rushing to Luke’s head, and he’s not thinking properly anymore. All he can hear is his heartbeat and all he can see is Ashton. He doesn’t even feel his arms extend and grab the thin grey buttoned top Ashton’s wearing, pulling the boy onto the bed with him. 

After Ashton’s confession Luke should have nodded, held Ashton’s hand or played with his hair in bed like he’s always wanted but he definitely shouldn’t have pulled Ashton to his bare chest until the boy crawled over him, met his lips halfway. But Luke’s never really thought straight when it comes to Ashton. He doesn’t know how to be anything but headfirst and head over heels for him. 

It’s only been two months, but Luke feels like he’s known Ashton for years, and it makes Luke press his lips harder, fist his hands in his hair and hum happily. Ashton hums back, and the vibration is so nice it makes Luke giggle. Ashton takes the opportunity to lick into Luke’s open mouth, and Luke can’t believe how much he’s loves this, needs it like he needs to breathe. With every second longer they kiss Luke feels the weight of the last few weeks disappear. Instead, the weight of Ashton’s body lowers over his until the entire length of it is against his, and all Luke can think about is their night together, weight of Ashton’s dick in heavy in his mouth and he has to pull away because he feels himself twitch in his bottoms.

“Ash, people will be here soon.” Luke can barely speak between heavy breaths, has to pull away further when he feels Ashton’s warm ones on his collarbone, curly head of hair nestled in his neck. “I need to get ready.”

Ashton pouts when he finally looks up, and it’s so beautiful and _his_ and Luke can’t believe he can kiss that pout whenever he wants. So he does. When he pulls back, Ashton’s word replaying in his head, he frowns. Ashton’s looking at him, reaches up to press his thumb between his brows but Luke’s still thinking before he says. “What did you mean by ‘you thought you had? Thought you had what? Been in l-” 

The door decides to open before Luke can finish, and this time it actually is Luke’s brothers. Any questions Luke has are forgotten as he stares in horror.

“Hey bro didn- oh.” Ben stops speaking, and Jack peers his head over and lets out a loud laugh. Ashton hasn’t even moved from his place nestled between Luke’s legs, head still leaning slightly on Luke and there’s no way this position doesn’t look compromising. Luke wants to die. “Didn’t realise you had company.” 

“Hey mate.” Jack waves, and Ashton waves gently back as he realises now might be the time for action. Luke also moves, off the bed as opposed to Ashton moving closer to the wall, and Luke goes to his desk to lean on it as he lets out a nervous breath. Of course his brothers wouldn’t leave. “I’m Jack, this is Ben.”

“Ashton.” Luke is surprised by how confident he sounds, not at all like he’s been caught with these older, tougher boys’ younger brother, and Luke turns around and gives him a look he hopes Ashton understands when they make eye contact. He knows it’ll score points with his brothers that he’s not afraid. 

“Cool. Luke get dressed, mum’s waiting in the kitchen.” Luke nods even though he still hasn’t said anything and starts to pick up the clothes he chose earlier folded by the window. He’s about to pull down his joggers when he remembers a) Ashton is still in the room and b) so are his brothers. He’s so confused by the situation that he stops, genuinely unsure of his next move.

“Just gotta make sure nothing happens you know. Big bro duties.” Ben slaps Jack’s back as they both stifle laughter. Luke’s never been more embarrassed. He stalks to the door and uses all his force to push them both out, locking it quickly. He ignores the banging and shouts through laughter, and there’s definitely no hiding this from his mum. Luke turns around, back still pressed against the door and looks at Ashton with wide eyes.

“Sorry. They’re… them.” Luke laughs so hard so abruptly he feels like he’s been punched, suddenly finding the whole thing hilarious. 

He’s so happy, it’ll make the whole introducing Ashton thing a bit easier. But he’s happy in general too. Happy Ashton’s here, happy Ashton’s given them a chance; they’ve done the hard bit.

“They’re okay. Seem nice. Could have easily beat me up.” Ashton’s looking at Luke a little funny, like he’s worried he’s the joke, and Luke grabs his clothes before he goes towards the bed and grabs Ashton’s ankles. It feels intimate, like it did earlier too when it was the other way round but this time Luke pulls until Ashton’s sat on the edge. He kisses him again because he can, and Ashton runs his hands through Luke’s hair and sighs. “I love your hair like this,” he whispers, and Luke forgot he’d only just come out of the shower. He hates how it flops over his face, starts to curl. Jack’s hair looks nice curlier but Luke’s hair only ever looks untamed.

“I hate it, it looks silly.” Ashton pulls gently, like it’s a warning of some sort.

“It looks beautiful. You look beautiful.” He lets go of Luke’s hair and runs a hand down his back as far as he can reach, pressed a kiss to Luke’s collarbone before he pushes Luke away. “Get dressed before your mum comes looking. You have a knack for people walking in on you.”

\---

When they finally get down the stairs, Luke’s mum is waiting with two open bottles of beer on the counter, and clearly Ben and Jack didn’t waste a second to tell her Luke had company. Ashton’s at his back after letting their hands release before entering the kitchen, and Luke really wishes they’d talked about introductions rather than kissing each other silly while Luke pulled on his muscle tee and jeans.

“Hi there.” Liz sounds a bit strained, like she’s trying to keep something in, and Luke appreciates the effort. “I’m Liz, Luke’s mum. Here,” she hands Ashton one of the beers as he gets situated on a stool next to Luke on the counter. He waves a bit more feebly this time, and Luke can tell he’s nervous.

“Ashton Irwin. Nice to meet you mam.” Ashton says, and even though his actions are shy his voice is still confident, and Luke lets his hand quickly reach for Ashton’s as he squeezes in reassurance. He can’t imagine how he’s feeling, meeting Luke’s mum already after they’d decided to give it another go only minutes earlier. Luke is so fond of Ashton, loves that he’s making the effort.

“Just Liz.” She corrects sweetly and she starts to sort through all the food she’d kindly bought for their Christmas barbecue. Luke’s so hungry, having left himself to starve so he could eat copious amounts of food and even more beer, and he kind of wishes everyone had come early so they could eat like, now. Ashton nods, whispers ‘Liz’ so quietly like he’s been scolded Luke can’t help but snort.

“Want to share the joke Luke?” And she sounds so serious Luke stops, wondering if maybe she actually is a little bit angry that Luke has his boy over. When he looks at her, he relaxes visibly. She’s got a twinkle in her eye rather than ire, and for second Luke wonders which is worse. “So, Ashton? I want to say I’ve heard a lot about you but I haven’t.” Luke rolls his eyes even though he knows his mum is looking. She clicks her tongue in a ‘watch it’ manner and Luke stays silent. Ashton shifts a bit. Luke made an effort to kill any questions about Ashton if he ever accidentally slipped into conversation. If that isn’t evidence he doesn’t know what is.

“Well, we met in New Zealand.” Ashton stops, and it’s clear he’s unsure of what else to say and how far to go. Luke takes pity on him.

“Yeah, remember I was teaching? One of my students is his little brother.” His mum nods and smiles and Luke can see in the corner of his eye Ashton start to relax too.

“So do you play any instruments too?” She asks, and Luke knows what his mum is doing. She’s on a search.

Ashton lights up, sits up straight as he sips his beer. “Yeah I play drums. I love it.”

“Drum. Drummer.” She hums after like she’s heard some information she’s been waiting for and has managed to put something together. “Luke’s been looking for a drummer for his band. Why don’t you join him and the boys?” Luke splutters on his beer.

“Uh, mum.” She turns with a smile, and to anyone else it would look natural but Luke knows his mother inside out.

“What, will it cause tension?” Ashton shifts again, more noticeable this time like he’s finally seeing what’s going on. 

Luke’s almost afraid to ask. “Why would it cause tension?”

“Because you’re seeing each other?” She says it likes it’s nothing. Ashton chokes this time.

“Mum! That’s an assumption?” Luke’s voice has gone up an octave. He looks to Ashton for help but he doesn’t know why he even bothered. He’s gone a soft pink and is looking at his hands in his lap like they’ll hold an exit route for him.

“But I’m right, no?” Ashton takes the time to look up, expectant eyes. If there’s any a confirmation on how serious they were about this, this is it. Ashton shrugs but it follows with a smile, and it’s so full of love that Luke kind of whimpers a bit. The curly haired boys smile gets bigger, and he reaches his hand over to Luke’s but lets Luke’s mum see this time.

“It’s complicated.” Ashton says, and it’s honest because it is. They’re nowhere near settled but they’re decided and that’s just as important.

“Tell me one thing, Ashton.” And the seriousness Luke heard earlier in her voice is back. He doesn’t pull his hand away though, gives her eye contact even though she’s looking at Ashton. “Are you the reason Luke left New Zealand?”

“Yes.” Ashton doesn’t think twice about lying, his voice is strong but it’s hurt and Luke’s heart flutters in sadness but he’s so overwhelmed that Ashton’s trying to right his wrongs. Liz nods, frowns for a second before giving him eye contact again. A smile fills her face when she looks between the two, and it’s fond but reminiscent. Luke thinks she can see something she’s seen before, and it’s making him tear up.

“Well. I’m glad you came to your senses.” They sit in silence for a few seconds, Luke smiling gratefull between the two as he finishes his beer. It’s comfortable, and Ashton doesn’t look at all like he’s been scolded and maybe it’s because he hasn’t. He squeezes Ashton’s hand again just as the doorbell rings, and Ashton excuses himself to get it, realising Luke might need a second with his mum.

“Mum.” Luke’s a bit embarrassed if he thinks about it, he feels like that conversation could have waited for a month or two, but his mum shakes her head like she reads his mind.

“He’s part of the family now.” The way she says it makes Luke’s heart rise to his mouth, because he knows what she means. She can see it, what he saw in Michael and Calum, probably what she saw in Ben and Jack, and what he thinks Harry saw between the two as well. He turns, sees all his friends from New Zealand beckoning him over. Ashton is pulled tight to Alex’s neck, and all Luke needs is for Michael and Calum to arrive for him to have his perfect picture.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> one more chapter and epilogue. who would have thought <3 find me [here](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/)


	19. Eighteen: I roll 'til I change my luck.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, wtf. This is kind of over??? I was debating on whether it was worth talking about this but why not! 
> 
> I have never finished a chaptered fic; whereas I’ve written enough one shots/short fics to open a bookshop! In my near decade of writing I've always given up or got restless and bored, but you’ve all been so supportive these last four months and I could not be more grateful. It’s also the reason why I’m a bit nervous to end this, because it’s like, the end. An ending that you expect things from and loose strings tied up. I don’t want to disappoint! I’ve thought over possible endings so much I didn’t even know what to give you anymore. I’ve tried to let it come naturally, go back to my original plans bc gut instinct is always the best. Basically I hope you love where this ends up, you deserve to have an ending that makes y’all weep happy. Epilogue will be up tomorrow when I get back from work <3

_I think I'm gonna win this time,  
I roll and I roll, 'til I change my luck_

Luke and Ashton are standing by the barbecue, sides and arms brushing while they talk to Luke’s dad and Jack. It’s funny, almost, how when the two boys approach after shuttling away from their crowd of friends both men are trying to hold back knowing grins. Luke isn’t sure whether to be embarrassed or endeared but he smiles anyway and announces their presence, letting Ashton and his dad shake hands. His dad is kind as always, asks Ashton questions without being intrusive or overbearing, and Luke’s grateful he’s already making the effort even though they haven’t told him about their status. Ashton’s charming the pants off of his dad; Luke can tell by the glint in his eye whenever they catch eye contact. 

It might not be to Ashton, but it’s obvious to Luke that Jack’s already told his dad who he is. Jack’s never had a filter about these things, probably told their parents how he _’found them alone in Luke’s room’_. Luke still feels like he owes it to his dad to be honest. He owes it to them both. 

“Ashton and I met in NZ.” Luke’s dad nods slowly like he’s waiting for new information, already aware of this from earlier conversation. But Luke didn’t exactly think it through before speaking; he didn’t need to properly introduce Ashton to his mum, she did that for herself. Luke doesn’t know what they are. Boyfriends? Dating? Potential soulmates? All three of them are looking at Luke expectantly, and Ashton is turning a soft shade of pink like he’s embarrassed for Luke, knows what he’s trying to explain. Jack looks like he wants to cackle similarly to when he found them earlier. “He’s, uh. My… we are.” 

All three of them laugh softly at Luke’s stumbling words, Ashton’s albeit is more nervous, and his dad shakes his head. “I know.” Luke nods, grateful he’s no longer under pressure and allows himself to sink into Ashton’s side. Everyone knows now, or will infer quickly enough. Luke doesn’t want to keep his hands off Ashton. He smiles softly at the older boy who pulls him in tighter and kisses his temple like he means it. Luke squeezes back, nervously looking back at his dad who has the exact look on his face that his wife did earlier. It doesn’t even make Luke’s heart race; Luke thinks he feels closer to settled instead. He’s surprised when he hears his dad’s voice say, “look after him.”

He’s even more surprised to hear Ashton reply. “I plan to, Andy.”

Luke cannot in a million years think of what else he’d rather be doing than sitting in the summer sun, barbecue on the go with his family and best friends and a boy he’s so wound up for he’s high from it. His two boys are still missing but there’s enough beer going round that Luke’s kind of forgotten about them.

But his forgetfulness and settled heart does last for long, and Luke doesn't know why he thought this would go smoother. His perfect picture didn't paint so well when Calum and Michael walked in not long later. 

Luke didn’t even notice when the two joined the party, too wrapped up in chat with his mother on the other side of the garden. Ashton comes to find them, and his mother gives them both a warm smile before going to help Luke’s dad with more food. 

“Hey.” Luke turns to _his_ boy, loves that he’s spent the day so far by his side, giving Luke all this attention. He’s not listening much to his voice, instead staring at pretty hazel eyes and a prettier mouth and Luke looks back up to Ashton’s eyes with a tiny blush. “Michael and Calum are here.” He doesn’t really notice the warning tone in Ashton’s voice. He’s so excited that his whole team is finally together. 

Luke's face is lit up seeing his best friends deep in conversation with the New Zealand boys, likely catching up on the last month. He’s slipping out of Ashton's grip to greet them, but Michael's obviously seen Ashton and their tight embrace; his face drops heavily seeing the older boy’s arm looped around Luke's waist. Calum catches on quickly, stops mid conversation as he looks between them. Luke’s starting to catch up a lot later than the other three, who are sharing looks Luke wouldn’t wish upon his enemies.

“Guys,” he tries to diffuse, but his voice is strangled and he needs to talk to Michael and Calum right now. “You’re late! Come with me, I have to show you something.” It’s obviously a ploy, a meagre but necessary ploy even though everyone knows what’s going on. The air is thick and Luke turns to give Ashton a look when he’s clearly deliberating on following. So Ashton stays back, let’s Alex rest a hand on his shoulder just in case. Even Will who he hasn’t particularly spoken to looks ready to help if need be. Luke’s got incredible friends.

When they enter the house he's met by a very apprehensive looking Calum and an absolutely raging Michael.

"What the hell is he doing here?" Luke realises that it was a very, very bad idea to not at least warn them about Ashton. The worst case scenario that could have happened is happening and Luke’s doesn’t have a clue how to rectify it.

There’s nothing else he can do but tell the truth. "I invited him"

Calum’s looking at him like he’s grown an extra head. "But why? Why is he here?"

Luke shrugs, unsure of what to say. "We made up."

"You made up?" Michael says, scoffing like he's never heard anything so ridiculous. And Luke felt bad before but now he doesn’t really, because they’re doing that ‘not-understanding’ thing again that Luke’s so tired of. He’s had enough.

"I don’t expect you to understand." It’s bitter, both boys look at him like he’s punched them simultaneously but they don’t get to feel hurt, Luke won’t let them. "All I need is for you to be civil. Just for today. I don't even need you to talk to him but I need you to know we’re trying again. So be nice. For me." Luke doesn't let them reply. “I care about him, and if you care about me, that should be enough.” 

Luke walks away, out of the house and back into Ashton's arms who's looking even more apprehensive than Calum did. He feels a bit like he's picked sides.

\---

The rest of the day goes smoothly, as smoothly as it can with Calum and Michael completely ignoring Ashton and only speaking to Luke if necessary, but by the time they’re all full of food and drinks they’re all feeling a little less tense. It’s nearly midnight when they decide to call it a night, and all the boys visiting call cabs to come and take them back to their residences, promising to see each other at the New Year for a proper party. 

Luke invites them all again to his to start off, with permission from his parents who won’t be around for the New Year after a decision to go to Brisbane to see family for a few days. He likes the idea of them all in his house again; it feels even more like home. 

Calum and Michael have disappeared, and for a second Luke’s worried they’ve left for home, aren’t talking to him again like before he left for New Zealand but he sees their converses neatly pushed up by the stairs like they always are. He assumes they’ve gone upstairs to his room, knows they need to talk properly.

When all the other boys have left, Ashton calls his cab too. He has about 10 minutes to wait, so Luke sits with him on the doorstep with a leg hitched over both of Ashton’s. They don’t say anything, don’t need to when their fingers are intertwined, Ashton’s thumb brushing over Luke’s knuckles. Luke can’t describe it, the feeling of Ashton actually wanting to spend any time with him, but it’s overwhelming. The whole day has gone too fast but it’s still been perfect, Luke thinking about their quick shared kisses when no one was watching or Ashton bringing Luke burgers with two slices of cheese and all the sauces inside because he knows now that’s Luke’s favourite.

“Today’s been amazing, Ash. The perfect second Christmas.” Luke tells him, presses a kiss to the underside of Ashton’s jaw. Ashton nods, returns the kiss but to Luke’s lips instead, stays there and pushes Luke’s mouth open with his tongue so he can explore. Luke doesn’t think he’ll ever get enough of feeling Ashton’s tongue against his.

“I’m so glad you’ve given me another chance Luke. I’m grateful, I swear. I promis-” Luke doesn’t want to hear about it, pecks him quiet instead. He doesn’t need reminders, he’s going to get them all when Ashton goes and he has to face Calum and Michael in the quiet of his bedroom. He wants what they have now and that’s all.

“I know.” Ashton nods, looks up at the starry sky. 

“What have I got to do to get back into their good books.” Luke hates how defeated Ashton sounds, couldn’t even make it sound like a question.

“I don’t know.” Luke says. He honestly doesn’t. “They’ll come around Ash, don’t let it worry you.”

“How can I not? They’re your best friends. They’re just as important as your parents if not more. I can avoid your parents, I can’t avoid them.” Ashton whispers as he sinks further into himself. “I don’t want them to hate me.”

“I’ll talk to them, okay. And then I’ll talk to you and we can see where we can go. I promise you, they’ll come around. It’s only because they care so much.” Luke squeezes his hand, and Ashton squeezes back.

“Can I tell you something?” Luke raises an eyebrow. “It’s important. I think it might help. Plus, you asked earlier but we got interrupted.” Luke can’t remember what he asked earlier. “About me being in love.”

“Oh.” Luke shuffles in his seat. He knows he needs to hear it but it doesn’t mean he wants to.

“I was nearly 18, and I met this guy. He was, well at the time I thought he was incredible. Even when I met you, I think I still thought he was. But the way I felt about you reminded me too much about the way I felt about him, and that scared me. It still does.” Luke doesn’t know how he’s meant to respond to this so he stays quiet.

“How do you feel about me?” Ashton shifts his eyes to Luke, light eyes twinkling in the dark like Luke asked a ridiculous question. He looks away, pauses for a bit before he continues.

“I was with him for more than 2 years, including dating. It was a long time for me to be with someone at that age. I thought he was the one.” He looks back over at Luke for prompt, but it’s clear Ashton knows already what he wants to say. Luke wonders if he planned this.

“What happened?” Luke thinks he might as well indulge the story.

Ashton laughs but it’s dark. “Nothing.”

The younger boy’s eyebrows furrow. “What do you mean nothing?”

“Literally nothing. We were good. Happy. He helped me become the person I am now, find myself and my love for music, whatever. I helped him with university and get a job because he was a couple of years older. I kept him going. We kept each other going. It really was love and it was _good_. But that’s just it, it was good and we spent so much time together and made love and I’d fall asleep with his arms around me but it wasn’t enough.” Luke thinks he knows where this is going. “Two years is a fucking long time to wait for your imprint.”

Luke sucks in a breath too loud to hide. “Ash.”

“It’s okay. I mean, I understand now.” He takes Luke’s hands into his again, plays with his rings as he tries to find the words. “But other people got theirs in a day, two days, months, a year. People didn’t wait over two years for their imprint. It doesn’t happen. Eventually, he gave in. Told me that I obviously wasn’t the one, and that he was getting older and needed to find his other half.”

“He’s a fucking idiot.” Luke whispers, voice choked. He can’t comprehend how anyone could let Ashton go.

“He broke my heart, Luke. It broke me that I wasn’t enough, that he needed that imprint as proof. That was what would have made me his. Not my personality, not everything I had done and given up for him, not the fact that I loved him at all. A stupid black mark that wasn’t on my arm made the decision for us. When my family moved to New Zealand it was great. A fresh start. I missed Sydney but it helped get rid of the ache. All the boys were so good in helping me forget about him.”

“He’s a fucking idiot.” Luke repeats. He still can’t believe it.

Ashton breathes out, grabs Luke’s chin to make him look at his face. “Well then so am I.”

Luke lets their breathing sync up before he replies. “What do you mean?”

It’s like Ashton’s only just heard his earlier question. “I felt so strongly about you so quickly Luke. I was positive all I had to do was touch you and we’d be soulmates. That scared me. I couldn’t bear the thought of feeling the way I did about you and having to do it all again if you weren’t the one. I was a coward.”

“God, you weren’t a coward. You were just protecting yourself.” Luke has to convince Ashton because he understands now. He knows how Ashton feels, maybe not in exactly the same way but he gets the idea more than he can explain. Ashton doesn’t deserve to feel like this.

“And I broke your heart in the process.” Luke doesn’t care. He couldn’t care anymore if he tried.

“It doesn’t matter now. It honestly fucking doesn’t. I don’t care.” Luke says, kisses Ashton’s hands still holding onto his. “I just wish you’d told me.”

“Didn’t even know myself.” Ashton chuckles, and Luke hears how nervous it is. He doesn’t want Ashton to ever feel nervous around him anymore. He pulls the boy closer, let’s his head rest on Ashton’s shoulder.

“When did you realise?”

“When you left back to Australia and it hurt more than any other heartbreak I’d ever felt before.” Ashton’s cab pulls up on the curb but he makes no effort to move. He shifts suddenly though, in what is obviously discomfort and Luke knows he’s about to say something significant. His heart rate picks up so quickly he sits up again, clutches at Ashton’s hand to ground himself.

“After we slept together that night, I couldn’t fathom being anywhere near you if you weren’t mine. It was the most confused I’d ever felt in my entire life, because no one had made me feel like you did. But my brain kept telling me that those feelings didn’t mean anything before. I had this battle in my head the entire night. There was so much more to lose. I couldn’t lose you that way again.” The curly haired boy says, his voice is getting quieter by the second. “And I saw you when I came back in with the sheets bunched at your waist and you looked like an angel. You were glowing and I’d never seen anyone so beautiful in my entire life.” 

“God, shut up. Stop trying to woo me.” Luke is so glad it’s dark. Ashton can’t keep making him blush like this, it’s lame.

“I know for a fact that it doesn’t get any better than this. I need to woo you because you’ve woo’d me.” Ashton whispers, pulling Luke in for the softest kiss he thinks they’ve ever shared. “I know, Luke. You can promise Michael and Calum that if there’s anything I fucking know it’s that you’re my soulmate. Mark or no mark.” Ashton doesn’t let Luke reply but it doesn’t matter because Luke doesn’t think he has words. He’s closer to tears, tears that are threatening to pour as Ashton backs away with a small smile on his face. Luke takes his lip ring into his mouth and bites back the biggest smile of his life.

“Ashton!” Luke calls, and as he’s opening the door to the cab, the boy looks back. Even though it’s dark and he’s further away Luke can see his watery eyes too. “Come and have breakfast tomorrow morning. I’ll get Liz to do us something nice.” Ashton laughs, but it’s choked. He nods eagerly, blows Luke a kiss before getting in the car. The driver wastes no time in driving off, and Luke goes back inside because he knows another important conversation is waiting for him too.

He doesn’t go upstairs right away, tries to compose himself because he’s feeling a little brittle. He looks in the mirror at the bottom of the stairs and sees his eyes are a little red; he hopes they don’t notice but he also hopes they do, maybe they’ll be gentle. Luke thinks absolutely anything could make him cry right now. 

When he goes into his room, the boys are lying on his bed, Michael with an arm slung over Calum’s stomach. They don’t move, and for a second he thinks they’ve fallen asleep but he sees the headphones they’re sharing with music still playing from his iPod, so he gently pulls it out of their ears and snuggles between them. They have to shift to fit him in, and even though it’s been tense between them all day Luke knows them staying to talk means there aren’t any hard feelings.

“Mike, Cal?” He asks, because he doesn’t know where to start. It’s Michael who moves first, turns to face Luke and rests his head on his arm so he’s looking down at him. Luke doesn’t really want to move, looks up with what he hopes are his best puppy eyes. Michael just sighs, looks away unamused and Luke’s definitely going to cry. 

"You can't just fall back into his arms like this.” Luke doesn’t think that’s fair. He voices this quietly, but Michael shakes his head like that’s not important. “He didn't see you! He didn't see what he did to you but we did and I don't know how you've let him back so easy.”

“There’s so much more to the story than me ‘letting him back easy’ Mike. There’s so much more.” But like always, it’s as if everything Luke is saying is going into one of Michael’s ears and out of the other.

“He didn't stay awake when you couldn't sleep, watch you refuse to eat-"

"I think he gets it Michael." Calum says for the first time, but Luke doesn’t even want to hear what Calum has to say even if he is trying to calm Michael down. He isn’t supporting Luke either and that’s the only thing that Luke needs right now. He’s tired of always letting them make him feel bad even if intentions are good. This is something that’s so important to him, _Ashton_ is important to him, and there’s a new fire in his stomach that’s building too fast. He’s not going to let anyone try and make Ashton out as anything other than the beautiful, broken soul that he is; Luke has someone to protect now.

"You don't understand. You can't understand!” Luke throws at Michael, and his tone is vicious but his voice is quiet because his parents will definitely be asleep now. “Just because you and Calum had it so easy doesn't mean that's how it is for the rest of us. Some of us have to fight. We have to make sacrifices and you may not get it but it’s worth it to me and worth it to him too. I love him and love makes you stupid but it also makes you brave. I don't expect you to understand because you never had to be brave with Calum."

"Luke," Calum starts from behind him, because Michael is sitting across from him with wide eyes and no words. Luke still doesn’t want to hear it, turns around to direct the rest at Calum.

"We’re soulmates.” Luke feels so powerful saying it with such confidence. “I know we are, and Ash knows we are too. Whether or not anybody believes us I don't care but we _will_ get our imprints one day like the rest of you. I don't want to talk about it anymore." Calum nods, and Luke turns around to see Michael nod too. He doesn’t say anything else, gets up to change and offers both boys some clothes they’ve left from previous sleepovers. It would make him laugh that they’re still doing these even at 18 and 19 years old. They barely fit on the bed anymore, but they squeeze in tight with comfy joggers and band tees and Luke feels both boys encircle their arms around him.

“How do I know he’s not gonna break your heart again?” Michael whispers, and Luke knows how hard it must have been for them both to see him that state. Luke doesn’t think he’d ever be able to handle seeing them broken hearted either. Luckily he never will, trusts them both to look after each other forever. It eases his heart a little.

“You don’t. But I do.” Calum pulls Luke in tighter from behind like that’s the right answer, and Luke chuckles wetly because between these two boys and the words Ashton told him not long ago, he’s never felt so loved in his entire life. The heat between them is only because they all care too much. “He’s not had it easy either. I thought I had it bad but he’s probably had it worse. So please, don’t be upset at him because he’s already had so much on his plate. He doesn’t want you to hate him.”

“We’re sorry.” Calum whispers. “We’re sorry we’ve not been good friends. We’re sorry you have to fight so hard and that it hasn’t been easy. For both of you. I wish we could make it easier for you guys. Share some ease.” He laughs, and they join all in softly. Michael squishes closer too, and Luke loves how normal this all is.

“Don’t be.” Luke murmurs. “Tell him. He’s coming for breakfast tomorrow.” They both hum happily, and when they’ve both fallen asleep, Luke sends Ashton a smiley face and a thumbs up, followed by _10am?_. He doesn’t think the boy will still be awake, but when he gets a kissy face back he giggles softly, in love, and falls asleep within minutes.

\---

If Luke thought the week before flew by quickly, the last few days building up to the New Year fly even quicker. 

Breakfast the next day is a small deal. Both boys welcome Ashton with hugs and apologies and if Luke didn’t know any better he’d be worried Calum liked Ashton more than him. Calum laughs at Ashton’s jokes so often Luke starts to pout a little, and when Calum invites Ashton over for a free day at the gym he works in in return for the last pancake, Luke’s had enough.

“Can you stop trying to steal my boyfriend?” Luke whines, and all three boys cackle in response. Luke thinks it’s the best sound he’s heard in his entire life. 

He hears it a lot over the next few days, realising quickly that they work seamlessly as a four, and it makes all of Luke’s feelings of prickly skin and sleepless nights so worthwhile if this was what was missing. It’s perfect, his friendship back to normal and his relationship with Ashton more than anything he could ever dream of. 

Luke loves that they can’t keep their hands off each other, and at any given point Ashton has a hand in his hair or on his back. Feeling like he belongs is all Luke’s ever wanted and Ashton is faultless in his performance. 

Before they know it it’s New Year’s Eve, and Luke’s trying to get the house together for the few people that are turning up to celebrate with him. At first he was only planning to have the first part at his, maybe go out and party for the rest of the night but everyone made it clear they’d rather just stay at his. Luke definitely doesn’t mind.

“Ashton! People will be here soon!” He needs his help getting the last bits together, but he hasn’t seen Ashton since he left him in bed nearly an hour ago.

“When have I heard that before?” Luke blushes as he hears Ashton come down the stairs, remembers when they got it together a few days ago. It already feels like months.

“Stop it.” Luke groans, embarrassed. “Are you only just getting dressed?”

“What can I say, your mouth is incred-” Luke squeals as he throws a pack of tissues at Ashton’s head. He laughs, sees it coming catches it before throwing it back.

“Ashton, do not finish that sentence.” Luke’s learnt over the last few days that as Ashton gets more comfortable he also gets filthier, but Luke still feels inexperienced and awkward despite the fact they’ve got each other off at any chance they could get. Including an hour ago as soon as Luke’s brothers ended their quick visit, off to celebrate the New Year elsewhere. 

“What? It’s true.” Ashton comes closer, lets his hands slip down to Luke’s waist. “Love your mouth.”

Luke slips out of his grip because he knows how that always ends. He tries to ignore him even though Ashton’s smirking successfully. “We need to move all the breakable stuff. I know what you guys are like.”

Ashton doesn’t give up though, Luke’s also learned. And in addition to this Luke cannot ever say no. So when Luke’s pulled on top of the older boy with an “in a second,” whispered in his ear, he knows that the breakable stuff isn’t going to end up getting moved.

\---

Alex and Jack bring fireworks. Luke’s worried, because he’s never done them without his parents and if anything goes wrong he’ll be blamed. But they promise him they’re safe and easy to work, so he leaves them to set it up now while they’re still sober.

Luke whines as he goes back into the house, falls onto the couch next to Michael. “I think one of us is going to die tonight. Either that or the house will get blown up. Enjoy this, you’re never seeing me again.”

Calum laughs from across the room where he’s making a drink. “Don’t be such a drama queen.”

The boys end up sitting in the garden, music blaring and a couple of people dance in the makeshift dancefloor of balloons while most just relax with their drinks and a smoke. It’s nice, the most relaxed New Year Luke’s had in a while, and maybe this is what it’s supposed to be like. He feels like every time him and Michael and Calum have gone to parties they’ve always ended up disappointed, and Luke ends up going into every new year like nothing has changed. Luke feels like something is about to change tonight.

He feels arms loop around his waist from behind, feel his neck being kissed and Michael pulls a face before looking at Calum. “We’re we this annoying?”

“Yes.” Luke and Calum answer at the same time, and they share a laugh, even Ashton joining in. Luke feels like he hasn’t laughed so much in his whole life as he has in the last week. He uses the excuse of two beers to turn around and kiss Ashton silly in front of everyone. He hears cheers, and a boo that is definitely from Michael, and has to pull back because they’re both giggling so hard.

“Hey.”

“Hey you.” Ashton offers him another drink, and then shots, and then they all do shots, and before he knows it someone is slurring out that it’s nearly midnight.

“Are you guys gonna do the fireworks?” Luke asks, stumbling back into Ashton so he can look up even though there’s nothing there.

“Fuck yeah,” Jack screams, and they all cheer. 

“Don’t burn my house down okay?” He doesn’t get a reply from Alex who’s fiddling with the firework in the grass. “Alex I need you to not burn my house down.” Luke repeats, genuine worry filling his veins next to the alcohol.

“I won’t!” Alex whines, looks back at the crowd of them. “How long left?”

“50 seconds!” Michael shouts, and Calum flings himself at the boy with a giggle. Luke’s never felt so fond of them before.

“Let’s go watch from the front of the house.” Luke whispers at Ashton, and he nods, leading the younger boy back in when they’re certain Alex knows what he’s doing. Luke leaves the front door open so they can get back in, and he steps into the road because the likelihood of any cars driving down here at the time is zero to none. Most people are out by now or still indoors as he can see from the lights of some neighbours. He drags Ashton when he doesn’t follow, kisses him quickly before bringing out his phone. 

They both watch carefully with bated breath as the time changes to 0:00 and the date to January 1st, and Luke looks up just as the fireworks set off. 

They’re beautiful, the kind Luke always gets awestruck over even at his age and Alex and Jack made a good choice. But when he looks down finally he finds Ashton isn’t looking at the fireworks, he’s looking at him. 

It’s one of those movie moments Luke’s dreamed of but thought would never happen to him. However right now Ashton’s looking at him like he’s the only thing in the world that matters, and Luke knows now, for definite, that he’s hopelessly in love with the boy in front of him. He’s also very drunk, doesn’t realise he’s said it out loud until Ashton smiles, dimples deep and a little lopsided.

“I love you. Fuck, Luke I love you. Happy new year baby.” And Ashton holds his face so gently Luke isn’t sure they’re actually there, but he pulls him in tight and presses their lips together. It’s become so familiar this feeling, the warm velvet of Ashton’s mouth against his. He barely notices the haze that covers them, mistakes the tingle in his arm for feeling overwhelmed by Ashton calling him baby, saying I love you, by the fireworks that are still going and the New Year that’s a fresh start for them both. Being kissed at midnight by someone he genuinely cares for. 

But the tingle doesn’t stop, spreads throughout his body, and Luke’s feeling so heavy with love so quickly he can’t breathe, and it seems like Ashton feels the same way by the force of their kiss so they pull back, panting too hard. He opens his eyes but it’s still misty, and he starts to panic because the alcohol in his veins is blowing things out of proportion. Luke grabs tightly onto Ashton as he tries to clear his head, wonders if he’s about to pass out. 

He doesn’t care about himself anymore when he hears Ashton gasp wetly. He already knows that’s a tell-tale sign something’s wrong so he looks at him fearfully as his eyes start to clear, follows Ashton’s eyes down to wear he’s staring at his arms. Their arms.

It’s dark outside so Luke can’t see exactly but he knows undoubtedly what the tingle in his arm was about. He blinks, hard, because maybe he’s losing his mind.

His entire left arm is covered in tiny flowers, shaded perfectly, winding all the way up his shoulder. Luke can’t see it under his vest but he knows exactly where it stops. Ashton’s is identical, he knows it is even without looking, and they’re both so silent Luke doesn’t think either of them are breathing. He can hear everything around them, the cheers from the boys in the garden, the wind, a crow call in the distance. He feels like they’ve stopped in time even if everything else is still moving.

He doesn’t know who looks away first. He doesn’t know who lets out the first sob, but he knows it’s him who slams his entire body into Ashton’s, lets the older boy cradle him to his chest until he pulls back and presses wet kisses all over Ashton’s face. He laughs as he lets Luke continue his assault, clearly overcome wholeheartedly. He knows that he shouldn’t need the imprint to prove anything, especially after all they’ve been through and talked about but he’s so glad to he can show everyone that every single second was worth it. Nothing he’s experienced in the last couple of months was hopeless.

“Fuck, Luke,” Ashton hums, and Luke eventually stops when Ashton runs a hand through his hair to calm him down. “Luke.” Now that he’s got Luke’s attention, it seems like Ashton doesn’t know what he wanted to say anymore, and both boys giggle. 

“Look at them.” Luke says, taking Ashton’s arm and putting it by his own, stroking over both at the same time. The up down motion of Luke’s hand grounds them both. “These are beautiful.”

“You’re beautiful.” Ashton whispers, and Luke loves him so much. “I can’t believe it.” Ashton seems genuinely struck by the weight of the situation, the weight of waiting for so long for something that’s finally tangible. Luke thinks back to being at the coffee shop all those months ago, feeling like there was a hole in his heart. He knows exactly how Ashton feels now. 

He doesn’t even remember how he used to feel was before and he never has to again.

“Neither can I.” Luke whispers, but then he thinks, why can’t they believe it? They’ve fought for this for months, fought with themselves to try and make this work. They can believe it, and they will, because they made this happen and they deserve their imprints more than anyone else Luke knows. 

Luke makes sure Ashton knows this, pulls him further into the road to watch the last of the fireworks before kissing him until they’re breathless, speechless, and he hopes Ashton feels all the adoration and love he senses swimming through his imprint. He hopes Ashton feels as loved as he does multiplied tenfold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> 50k... unbelieveable. Thank you to everyone who has shown support from the lovely comments I got every chapter, the messages on tumblr, even the silent readers, I love every single one of you!


	20. Epilogue: Nobody loves you baby the way I do.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Since the start I've always known the flower I picked for their imprint, but I didn't know the meaning until writing this epilogue and I can't believe how perfect the fit was. It's little things like this that make writing so worth it! Plus your comments give me so much inspiration and make me feel like all the sleepless nights and essays I should have started earlier have been worth it. I hope you loved reading this as much as I loved writing it!

_Cause nobody knows you baby the way I do,  
and nobody loves you baby the way I do_

**i.**  
Luke doesn’t even get a chance to yell surprise when his parents get through the door a day early. He’s sat with Ashton on the couch, the older boy’s arm looped around his shoulders and they’re watching cartoons but not quite watching. Luke’s fingers are tracing Ashton’s slightly blue shaded imprint, small flowers bundled and winding all the way from top to bottom. Do imprints even have colour? Luke’s never particularly noticed but theirs definitely has a blue hue. Luke hopes theirs is the only one with colour. He didn’t think blue was his favourite until he saw it on Ashton.

There’s a key suddenly turning in the lock and Luke thinks it’s one of his brothers but when the door opens he hears suitcases. He jumps up from his seat because he doesn’t know what to do, he hadn’t exactly told his parents yet because it hadn’t even been 24 hours, and he’s honestly still overwhelmed himself. Even going back into the house to tell his friends the night before had been too much, and Luke had to drag Ashton away and up to his bedroom to breathe. 

Does he waltz up to them, does he shout now before they see him? There’s no time though, they’re walking into the living room and Luke’s mouth is gaping open and closed. Their eyes are staring at his arm automatically like it’s an elephant in the room. Luke doesn’t know why he was worried though, because his mum looks up at him with wide warm eyes, opens her arms and he falls into her like he always has. 

“So happy for you honey. My little Luke.” And Luke nods, astounded again and he wonders when he’ll stop getting emotional about this. When he finally stands up straight, Ashton is beside him shaking hands with his dad, and his mum grabs the other boy and envelopes him just like she did her own son. Ashton looks at him, smile blinding and Luke didn’t think he could ever be more in love.

“Do you know what they mean yet?” He hears his mum ask but he doesn’t really understand. His mum sees his confusion and rolls her eyes. “Don’t you know what these flowers are?”

“Um, no.” Luke tries to tap down on his defensive tone but it doesn’t work.

“Do you?” Ashton asks, a little more politely, and Luke has the nerve to look apologetic for his snippy tone. He didn’t know that these things were supposed to mean something; he feels like he’s missed a memo.

“Do you want to know?” And Luke knows it would be easy to say yes. But he already resents that his mum knows before they do.

“No, we’ll find out.” Ashton looks at him with soft eyes, and Luke bites his lip with a shrug. He wants them to find out themselves.

 **ii.**  
Luke is sat at his desk with Calum and Michael sprawled across his bed behind him watching a DVD. In the excitement and easy distraction that have on each other, Luke and Ashton still hadn’t found the time to research the symbolism of their imprint (much to Liz’s constant dismay). The more Luke thinks about it, the more he feels disappointed in himself for not making more of an effort. Ashton mentions it in passing the night before he’s due to fly back out to New Zealand.

_Luke doesn’t know when he became so reckless. He definitely thinks it’s Ashton’s doing._

_His parents are sound asleep only two doors down but Luke’s on top of Ashton trying to steady his breathing as he sinks down onto Ashton’s cock, the older boy’s face slack as he presses bruises into Luke’s hips. He bites his lip to hold in his whimpers as Ashton fills him up inch and inch and Luke has never wanted to cry out so badly. He already feels tears prickling his eyes from trying to hold back, stimulation way too much, but Ashton’s got a hand laced with his and when Luke’s ass finally touches Ashton’s thighs, he squeezes until he hears Ashton’s breath hitch._

_“Hey,” Ashton whispers, once they’ve got their rhythm going. Luke’s doing most of the work but he already knows he likes it when he’s on top, gets to dictate how much he can take and how fast he wants to go. Luke also knows Ashton loves to watch him, so it’s an all-round win for them both. “Have we researched about our imprints yet?”_

_Luke pulls back even though it kills him, and he has to let his head roll back when he sinks to a slow stop to keep himself from crying out. When he looks down at Ashton he’s got an eyebrow raised. “Really? Right now? You’re asking that now?”_

_“Did I kill the mood?” Ashton whispers, and they both laugh quietly as Luke pushes Ashton’s shoulders back down to the bed, rolls his hips so hard Ashton’s back arches beautiful, and Luke will never get enough of making him look this good._

_“It’s such a married couple thing to do. Soon we’ll be discussing toiletries and making shopping lists.” The curly haired boy rolls his eyes, runs a hand through his wet wisps stuck to his forehead with sweat._

_“Keep talking dirty to me.” Luke shakes his head, starts moving again but this time Ashton moves with him, and he lets himself fall forward so their chests are touching. Luke thinks he could die happy like this, warmth pooling in his belly, lips pressed to Ashton’s but not moving._

_“Tomorrow, we’ll do it in the morning.” Luke barely gets out, instead goes for sucking bruises into Ashton’s neck so won’t forget what he’s missing while he’s away._

_Luke sleeps easy knowing they’ll find out tomorrow. Luke sleeps easier anyway knowing Ashton will be there when he wakes up._

They don’t find out in the morning, because Ashton’s flight is earlier than they anticipated and it’s only because Ashton’s an organised freak that they realise. Luke still thinks it’s time they should check it out though, so he does it by himself. With Ashton back in NZ for a week to pack up to move back to Australia, Luke’s found a great deal of his time freed up, and as much he hates how alone he feels without Ashton it does mean he can finally get this done.

“Hey guys,” Luke asks, distracted as he looks through an endless picture list of flowers; he’s going to be here for a long time. They both hum in return, and Luke knows that their eyes haven’t even left the TV to look in his direction. Good friends. “Do you know what your imprint means?”

It takes a couple of seconds before the low drone of the TV completely disappears, and Luke swivels around in his chair to look at them. Michael’s face has gone a funny colour, and Luke wonders if he’s asked something he shouldn’t have. Calum’s face is a little more open, confusion clearly written across his features.

“Well ours are more like vines.” He says, caressing Michael’s instead of his own. “They’re not as obvious? Like yours and Ash’s are clearly flowers. I don’t think it has much meaning.” Luke hums in response, about to swivel back around when Michael clears his throat.

“Vines still have meanings, though.” The now black haired boy looks like he wants the bed to fold over and swallow him up. Luke wants to smirk, but Calum’s got a weird look on his face now too, so he lets Michael continue.

“To some it symbolises connection and restoration, some say it symbolises protection. I like them all.” He says the last part while looking at Calum, and Luke wants to throw confetti over them because Michael might as well have proposed.

“Mikey.” Calum whispers, overcome. “Why didn’t you tell me?” Luke figures this is the time to mind his own business, so he swivels back around while they turn the volume up again and their tones become hushed.

It takes Luke nearly 40 minutes and constantly staring at his arm before he finds it. He hates how emotional he gets when he reads the symbolism, and hates even more that Ashton isn’t here to do this with him. He’s only been gone for a day but Luke misses him so much it hurts, misses the way Ashton always kisses him in greeting and goodbye or played with his hair while they cuddled. He wants him to come back now, but he can’t have that so he texts him instead.

_hydrangeas – symbolises heartfelt emotions and gratitude for being understood_

_thank you for understanding me. love you bby and miss you so so much, wish you were here :(_

Luke doesn’t expect a reply so soon, but minutes later his phone vibrates.

_perfect meaning lukey i’m so in love with it and so in love with you, can’t wait to be home for good xxx_

**iii.**  
Luke walks into the coffee shop for his first shift of the year with his sleeves down and pulled over his hands. It’s only when Harry called asking if he could come back to work that Luke realised he hadn’t even told him yet. He felt more than guilty for not passing on the good news. Even though it’s hot now, the real heat of the Australian summer beating down Luke couldn’t pass such a good opportunity so he wears a white long sleeve and bites at his lip ring in excitement.

Harry’s at the counter when he reaches it, and Luke’s trying so hard to keep a straight face but he can’t do it, let’s a laugh slip through until Harry’s eyeing him suspiciously.

“What’s got you in such a good mood?” And Luke’s always been bad at this stuff, slams his arm on the counter and pulls up his sleeve. Harry’s eyes go so wide Luke’s a bit worried, but then he laughs happily and pulls Luke to come around, holds him so tight Luke’s going to cry again. He can’t believe he’s got so many good people in his life who are so happy for him. It makes him want to be sick in a good way. “So happy for you Luke, honestly.”

Luke nods, doesn’t know what else to say that won’t sound sappy and weak. Harry makes Luke his favourite iced berry smoothie whilst firing questions at him, and Luke answers them as equally enthusiastic because he’ll never get tired of talking about him and Ashton, ever. When Harry hands it to him, he smirks before asking, “so, double date with Niall and I soon?”

 **iv.**  
Luke goes to pick Ashton up from the airport. He feels like tables have turned, or something’s shifted. Last time he was in a car towards the airport was to go to New Zealand in the first place, before his imprint, before Ashton, before his new friends. It’s bizarre to say the least, but it leaves him so full of happiness that everything was worth it.

It’s definitely embarrassing how quickly they spot each other, and Luke doesn’t even care that they’re smack in the middle of a busy airport, let’s Ashton drop the mountain of things he’s carrying to take him in his arms. They kiss and it’s wet and passionate and definitely not for the public but Luke hasn’t seen him in more than a week. It’s a long time to spend away from someone who you’ve only found out is your soulmate for keeps, and Luke doesn’t plan to let his boy out of his sight for a long time.

When they pull back, Ashton’s giving him those eyes that are reserved just for him, and Luke won’t ever stop getting shivers from that look. Ashton’s his, and they’re in Sydney but Luke doesn’t want to get out anymore. He’s got a reason to stay now, and as Ashton kisses him senseless again Luke’s finally got that feeling of belonging he’s been burning for endlessly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> [find me on tumblr](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/) :) I'll talk about this fic til I die literally I'm so ready for endless weeping so leave me messages
> 
> [here](http://cashtens.tumblr.com/post/128500915235/maybe-you-are-fireproof) is a rebloggable link if you wanna spread :')
> 
> also i made a playlist for this fic! i thought those of you who are still subscribed might like to hear it [here](http://8tracks.com/cashtens/maybe-you-are-fireproof) :)


End file.
